Tuesday, March 30, 2010
In the interim, I'm going to do what any self-respecting dog lover would do and show you that you don't necessarily require opposing thumbs to make tools, you don't necessarily need friends to have a good time and that a party for one is entirely within the realms of possibility.
First, you need a brand new soccer ball that you've pinched from your careless next door neighbour slightly punctured and softened for 'portability'.
Then a stick. Not too long, not too short, not too thin and not too thick . . trim to size
Place stick firmly in mouth so that each end protrudes equidistant from the jaw and get the ball rolling so to speak with a sharp and forceful push with the top of your nose. This is a particularly difficult manoeuvre for snub nosed breeds such as Pugs, Pomeranians, Bulldogs and Boxers . . don't try this at home especially if you're a Pekingese.
Once a degree of momentum has been reached, maintain the pressure with the stick and push the ball around the back yard for upwards of 20 minutes in a frenzied canine soccerfest. This technique works particularly well when employed in water also providing the ball is not too heavy.
Finally create that crazed 'I couldn't stop if I wanted to' expression and play this frequently and for as little or long time as you desire depending upon stamina, proximity to tea time, whether your ball is confiscated or you tread on bindis. (I'm not referring to Steve Irwin's precocious daughter!)
A very nice man repairing our pool pump n0t so long ago told me "Your dog has a wonderful time all by herself" . .party pooch. I want to come back as a middle class dog!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Seriously, even consoling an upset child that isn't your own, can be misconstrued as 'sexual abuse'. Well damn me for cuddling that little lost kid in the shopping centre a few weeks back!
But what about helping a child out of a potentially dangerous situation? What if that potentially hazardous situation is at school during school time?
Tonight's Friday Fuckwits are indeed some of the rules applied that prevent teachers and common sense prevailing when little buggas get themselves in a bind:
The SUN: STAFF REPORTERLovely weekend ahead we hope, although the firies have started back burning (the weekend pyromaniacs) and the air is acrid with smoke, Why they need to do it after so much rain I'll never know. Enjoy your weekend folks. I'm off to Doyles to cash in my Christmas voucher down by the sea! Cheers:)
Published: 24 Mar 2010
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD pupil was left stuck up a tree at school because a bizarre health and safety policy BANNED teachers from helping him down.
And when a passerby rescued the stranded child — she was reported to the POLICE for trespassing.
The cheeky youngster climbed the 20ft tree at the end of morning break and refused to come down.
But instead of helping him, staff followed guidelines and retreated INSIDE the school building to ''observe from a distance'' so the child would not get ''distracted and fall''.
The child was only rescued when a woman noticed him and helped him down herself.
But instead of being thanked for her actions by staff at the Manor School in Melksham, Wiltshire, Kim Barrett was shopped to the cops.
Kim, who lives in Melksham, was left stunned by the school's policy.
She said: ''I stopped to ask him if he was OK, and it became clear that he'd been there since the end of playtime, which had been around half an hour earlier. 'I was immediately concerned. I walked over to the school with the boy and was met by the associate head. 'He didn't appear at all concerned, and was actually very patronising, patting me on the arm and asking me 'what do you expect me to do, exactly, dear?'
''When I said I thought it was a serious incident, he then said his only concern was me trespassing.
Kim claims that she walked around to the front of the school, on to the playing field and then helped the schoolboy down before taking him back to his class.
But the school alleges that she ''approached the school in an inappropriate way'' and asked her to leave the premises after she got into a row with staff over the boy's welfare.
Later that evening a letter from headteacher Beverley Martin was posted through Kim's door, explaining that the school had contacted police about the incident.
The next morning she was visited by a PCSO who told her she had committed a trespassing.
Ms Martin confirmed that the school's policy prevents staff going to the aid of children who have climbed trees.
C'mon . . play in the tree house . . .
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Then came the mega malls of the late 70's and early 80's. A huge Westfield shopping centre was built near the Railway station about 1km from the existing building and the whole store moved into the new retail precinct.
The building was transformed into a factory outlet "Brand Smart" where you could by bargain designer brands on two floors and grab a kebab or fast food in the basement. Then another mega factory outlet opened about 5kms away and Brand Smart moved, lock stock and barrel. By now, the building had been listed as a fine example of 60's architecture and is heritage leaving the owners little opportunity to develop it into anything other than four sprawling floors.
The food fast food court and a hold-out newsagency stayed until about 3 months go but they too have now vanished leaving nothing but counter tops and a few sporadically placed plastic chairs. I was too slow with my camera and the food hall has now been cordoned off so I couldn't get through for a photo.
Today, it's a shell. Our office occupies the top floor and there's nothing on Lower Ground other than a little cafe and the ground and first floors lie dormant.
It's as if the whole place has been hit with a neutron bomb or all the inhabitants slaughtered by some insidious epidemic and all that remains are a few shopfittings and of course, the signs that nobody reads anymore. It's rather spooky, no sign of life:
Theme Thursday once again so pop along and see what 'signs' others are talking about!
Monday, March 22, 2010
I was unwell today, bit of stress and and a touch of too much chili jam in the burritos last night I expect. S0, after coming home from work early, snoozing a little, washing my floors because housework clears the head and distracts me from 'issues' right? Then doing what comes naturally . . I started trawling the net for appropriate casual work either in the evenings or on the weekend:
Hi girls, We are Sydney's fastest growing monthly Tech-house nights in Kings Cross. For our next event on Easter Sunday we need outgoing, go-getter, positive and passionate-about-music girls to hand out flyers and attract club goers into the club on the night. Please email us with a photo of yourself. Given that Kings Cross is our red light district, I think not.
Flat Cleanup and Cooking Help
I am looking for a girl who can help us in general cleaning and may be help in cooking as well if she can. we prefer Indian /punjabi girl. good pay/hour time adjustable.
I cook a mean Rogan Josh
Pregnant Model Required
Hello, I am the owner of a maternity wear company and I need a model who is pregnant, ideally 7 months or thereabouts. The tummy is needed for a close up shot for some packaging (wearing jeans). Ideally size 8-10 with good legs. A great face is a bonus, as we may to a "lifestyle shot" , but it is a really good tummy with nice belly button that is very important. Half a day's work. Good pay. Hmm could probably get away with that one .. wonder if they want an 'innie' or an 'outie'?
Needed for 2 and a half hours work is a girl willing to work in lingerie uniform. Employment is on a regular but casual basis. All is supplied and only general cleaning and office duties will be required. For more information and interview and almost immediate work 5:30pm; email with pic to: Do I get paid extra because there's 'more' of me?
Friday, March 19, 2010
OK yesterday I took a major detour from the usual and thank you for your empathy and sympathy. It took a while to muster up the need to post but hey, this is a personal blog and I don't post half the things I'd like to now that it's 'out there'. So let's lighten up. Don't know about you but I love a show that's on here called "Border Security" that nabs particularly the Chinese and Middle Eastern visitors for their incredibly weird undeclared foodstuffs. Hello! This is Australia and there's nothing you can't buy here . . even Magners is on tap!
A 29-year-old tourist from the Philippines has spent five days in custody after Australian Customs officials mistook iced tea for drugs.
Tourist, Maria Silva bought three 800 gram bags of Nestle iced tea on her way to the airport in Manila before her flight to Melbourne.
On arrival at Melbourne Airport she was detected by sniffer dogs and arrested by Customs.
Customs' initial tests showed the packets contained 2.44 kilograms of meth amphetamines.
Customs later revised its results to amphetamines and Ms Silva was charged with importing a commercial quantity of drugs into Australia.
It was only after she spent five days in custody, unable to contact family or friends, that further tests by a Federal Police forensic team revealed the supposed drugs were in fact powdered lemon-flavoured iced tea.
The Melbourne Magistrates Court heard the powdered formula contains an ingredient that is often mistaken for drugs.
The Magistrate awarded Ms Silva $5,000 in costs for what he described as "an unfortunate set of circumstances."
Ms Silva burst into tears as she was released from custody today.
Outside court, her lawyer, Michael Pena-Rees said Ms Silva had bought the iced tea, which is cheaper in the Philippines, for her friend as a treat.
Mr Pena-Rees says Customs is yet to apologise for its mistake.
I tell ya . . give someone a uniform and some electronic gadgetry, a well-trained Beagle and your talcum powder becomes suspect . . does anyone use talcum powder anymore? If you ever visit Australia, trust me, you can buy iced tea and we won't insist you brew it in a billly.
Have a lovely weekend. We're in full 'spruce up the overgrown garden mode' this weekend and guess what, it's going to be 28 degrees, I'll lose kilos in lost fluids!
Did I mention that I love Labradors! And butt cheeks! And Frenchmen who stick chargers up their bottoms.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
She was was stirred gently by his Boticelli fingers toying with his Fisher Price plaything strapped tightly to the pine bars of his cot. Knobs were turned, bells were rung and telephone dials clicked to his happy awakening. She smiled in that semi-conscious euphoria that only an early morning, pre-breakfast Sunday sleep-in can invoke.
She lay there waiting, dozing, her man beside her curled sleeping, breathing deeply, naked and vulnerable. She longed for an extra 15 minutes of respite with the birds chortling and spooning his shape in the warmth.
Her firstborn darling woke and wondered into their room, sleepy-eyed with tangled golden locks, smiling sweetly as she climbed above the covers and slid under the blankets for a Sunday morning snuggle, all warm and puppy-smelling, sweet and snooxy.
He stirred, groaned in that blissful Sunday morning early wakefulness, kissed her forehead and rose from their bed. Mother and daughter giggled and kissed, tickled and taunted, unaware of the time . . but he took a long time. The baby went quiet as if something was wrong.
He lay in the hallway, a grown man naked, limp and frightened as a child, "I don't feel so well". She scoffed and berated him for drinking too much the night before.
She told him gruffly that he was probably hungover . . but he was pale and weak and sweating in a way she'd never seen before. His eyes were glazing and his limbs shivering in away she'd never seen before . . he began to breathe in a way she'd never heard before.
. . . Her heart stood still at the sight of him and the panic struck.
They'd fought the night before, too much to drink, too much to say and she'd refused to make love to him before they slept. "Never go to sleep on an argument!" Her mother's words rang round and round like castigating black crows circling her head.
She scooped up the smiling four year old and placed her gently in the toddler's cot. They would play and amuse each other.
She rang 000 and told them her husband was ill, very ill, shaking and not responding . . . suddenly aware that she was naked, she covered herself with a loose dress and hurriedly tied up her hair. Such a silly thing to do given the circumstances, why tie up your hair?
She rang her parents . . .they too were not responding . . .
She rang 000 again and they swore they were on their way.
She covered him with a warm red blanket and slapped his face to try to revive him . . .feeling guilt at hurting his beautiful cheeks but he felt nothing.
She finally rang her in-laws, his mother answered the phone . . .
The paramedics told her to wait in the lounge of their shoe box palace. She did as she was told. She left him . . . she deserted him . . she put him in the hands of strangers/experts and waited in the corner, standing like an unadorned Christmas tree, shaking, wondering. Things will be alright he's only 34 years old, healthy, slim, sporty . . his life ahead of him. She heard the hissing and the smacking of air, she heard slapping and pumping and muffled voices, she heard the clattering of medicines being hurriedly sought and administered. She heard them speak in code and request another vehicle. She heard her children playing happily in their 'cage' and the Fisher Price thing twanging and buzzing and ringing and the intermittent giggles of joy.
Her now pale and panicked mother and father in-law arrived just as they were gently carrying his stretcher down their tiny front steps. He was asleep and quiet, now covered in a grey blanket and not looking right, then into an intensive care ambulance.
She was ushered into another while her distraught parents-in-law watched their son carried onward and promised to take care of the children. Tears poured down a devoted mother's face as she fought the urge to follow for the sake of her grandchildren and watched her son disappear amongst the wail of sirens and the flash of lights.
The world then slipped into a fantasy fog of slow motion alternating between high speed and pockets of slow. . like flying through clouds with little breaks of piercing blue then blur . . .
She, I and they, knew in our hearts he was long gone but they tried, they defibrulated and pummelled. They injected and intubated until his complexion bore an unusual pinkness.
She sat in a small musty office with no-one to keep her company, young and helpless and alone. No-one told her that it would be alright. No-one came . .it was early, the shift was changing, no time for solace or comfort for a distraught young woman. She cried, she sobbed, she hoped, she told herself she was silly and this doesn't happen to fit young men but she knew. She hoped, she prayed, she wished otherwise but she knew.
Then came a white overall, no face, no touch, just a white overall with "I'm very sorry . . ." Right then, at that moment, there was nothing more to say. No more tears to cry. Nothing to feel. The world ceased to spin. Time ceased to tick. Life ceased to exist.
And it all happened one beautiful Sunday morning, in the month of March, 22 years ago, just before breakfast.
Raymond Michael "Chooch" Bainbridge, 1952 -1988.
Visit other Theme Thursday interpretations of Breakfast
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The view was all we expected and some . . .
The natives were so friendly they ate out of our hands . . .
Our Christmas gifts came in handy . . had a bottle of Moet and a bottle of Verve!
We played silly games after Chicken and Capsicum Skewers and Rocket salad . . .
Adam le Chef, does Bono with Clare's sunnies . . .
The next day we wondered around Kiama which I'll post another time, before getting into the gladrags and frankly hanging in the shade until the big moment because it was hot! The ladies looked lovely . . .although their high heels made Clare look 'short'.
The groom and long, long time friend Adam don't look too fazed . . .
Well maybe just a bit, waiting for the girl to arrive, that's the groom on the extreme right .
And she did . . looking gorgeous and happy and confident . . .
Vows were self-written and made inside a heart of rose petals on the grassy knoll beyond Kennedy's beach. The Bridesmaids had a few difficulties with those shoes. Don't you just love the lady in the pink hat!
Then on to the reception after an hour in the pub . . . the motley crew and yes Kate the purple top worked fine . .
They even bottled their own Coopers Ale!
And that my friends, is a happy couple . . .doing a happy dance!
Breakfast on the beach the next day . . .
Billy tea of course . . .
Fruit, eggs, bacon and buns . . . totally lovely.
This was the wedding of my best friend in the world's son and was truly wonderful. The speeches were fantastic, the catering awesome, Markyboy did us credit with really nice wine and champagne and Tom and Belinda looked awesome and happy and relaxed. Totally wonderful weekend.
Apologies for minimal activity this week, it's filled with drama and distractions but hopefully I'll be back on the ball next week or over the weekend.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
This is what I will wake up to on Saturday and Sunday morning . . .
We are going to a wedding. The first born of my best friend is getting married on the south coast this weekend. We've rented a nice little house on the beach with a view and looking forward to a much needed family weekend together and to wish the happy couple a happy life . . .ta ta for now . . I have to find my beach hat! See you next week.
For more erudite contributions . . please visit Theme Thursday
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
The latest is Maternity Leave.
Now I took advantage of Maternity Leave twice. I was entitled to 12 months off work, no pay, but my position or one of equivalent salary would be preserved for my return. Easy! Then came Paternity Leave which allows your partner and you to share care of your infant and take six months each, again, no pay but a nice way to share the load. Both of these schemes are funded wholly by the employer.
Now, with an election hovering towards the end of the year, the debate is heating up.
Our Government has announced that around 150,000 new mums and dads will be eligible for taxpayer funded paid maternity leave each year when the scheme kicks in in 2011. Parents will receive 18 weeks of paid leave at the minimum wage of $544 a week. To qualify, parents who take the leave will have to have an income of less than $150,000 and have worked at least one day a week in the 10 months leading up to their child's birth.
Parents who receive the paid leave will not be eligible for the $5000 baby bonus or family tax payments (monthly payments to help support raising children for lower income families). Yep, here in paradise, it pays to procreate.
To counter, the Opposition are offering six months' parental leave at their normal pay level, capped at an annual pay rate of $150,000 a year. Taxpayers and employers would foot the potential 2.7 billion dollar tax bill.
In government in 2002, Mr Abbott decreed that compulsory paid maternity leave would be introduced "over this government's dead body". But it seems that the Holy roller, father of an illegitimate child and the man who only last month declared that women should hang on to their virginity until marriage because it is a precious gift . . (no such advice for men) seems to have changed his tune. Apparently he has become more attuned to the needs of women. Ahhh . . . bless!
This won't be a huge election issue. Why should maternity/paternity leave be paid and why funded by business and the tax payer? If you choose to have a child, you should be financially secure enough to take the requisite time off work. You should be able to afford child care or have someone available to look after your children while you work.
Look at it this way. If you're a smoker, you're entitled to regular breaks during the day to indulge your addiction, while the rest of us (no I don't take smoke breaks at work) plot on shuffling the paper trail for what amounts to as much as an extra hour a day while our colleagues puff and chat at the bottom of the fire stairs.
Where does this policy offer any compensation or equity to those of us too old to have children, too young to have children or choose not to, or just can't, have children?
The other side of the coin is that if the employer bears the brunt of the payment and has to hire someone for the 12 month absence as well as paying the person on Maternity leave, do you think they're going to look positively on women in the 19-30 age group? Or even men in that category? Knowing that the possibility of them having children could cost an arm and a leg?
Because only women can breed, (and believe me I'm waiting for the day a man can actually deal with 9 months of pregnancy and shitting a watermelon at the end of it! come to think of it, I'd like every man under 50 to put up with the crimson wave on a monthly basis and function normally) I'm all for holding a position open, guaranteeing work upon return, subsidised, cheaper child care so that working mums can go back to work and still make a living . . . but paid maternity or paternity leave? I don't think so. We don't need more breeders, we need better leaders.
I'd rather free education, free dental, free university or my many year's of income tax to fund my retirement . .
Friday, March 05, 2010
Ah my darlings . .it is Friday . . after a week in the "Executive Suite" I have shone! I'm not being paid extra but hopefully I'm getting some 'brownie points'. The rain is tapping nicely on the tin awning outside my back verandah, my dog didn't run away this morning, Adam has a new job starting Monday that actually pays green stuff, Clare's booked our silly but oh-so-necessary flights to Paris and all is well with my world.
Then . . .there is the Fuckwit . . .
Israel's military and one of its soldiers are no longer "friends" after the artillery unit gunner posted details of an impending West Bank raid on his Facebook page, leading to the mission being aborted.
The soldier updated his page on the social networking site, saying "on Wednesday we are cleaning Qatanna and on Thursday, God willing, going home," Israeli army radio reported.
Other soldiers in the unit, who saw the posting, alerted their officers and the planned raid on Qatanna, a village near the Palestinian city of Ramallah, was called off.
"The division commander decided to cancel the operation out of concern that the information had reached hostile groups and would harm IDF (Israeli military) forces," the army said in a statement.
The soldier's page contained details of his unit and the exact time and location of the planned sweep.
The soldier was "sentenced to 10 days' imprisonment, his combat certificate revoked, and he was removed from his battalion and from all combat postings," the army statement added.
The Israeli army says soldiers are barred from posting any sensitive information on the internet
The army frequently carries out raids in the occupied West Bank, detaining suspected Palestinian militants.
And tonight the Palestinians are awarding them 'golf claps' . .huzzah, well done soldier!
I am learning internet French. I think after watching these guys . .I will impress:
Have a wonderful weekend. Mine couldn't come soon enough. I won't have to do laundry because it's raining and I'm only sorry that this blog isn't quite private enough to post le vrai fuckwit de vendredi . .
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Here in the land of water shortages, red dust and willly willys . .on verandahs we sit, listening to crickets and cane toads and watch sunsets and the sugar cane burn . . . Of course I'm lying I live in the suburbs of Sydney and whilst it's quiet the only sign of moisture on most occasions is frogs, drips on the tin roof and the sound of sweat seeping down my cleavage. Actually recent rain has been a Godsend and the world is filled with 'green'.
We still can't water our lawns or wash our cars with a hose . . but until I actually went through my Flickr account I didn't realise how much green there actually is around here. And if anyone has some spare time this weekend, I could do with some help mowing and whipper snipping . . .
New Years eve fireworks in emerald green . . .
Latrine door graffiti'd by inmates at Melbourne Gaol
Huge cactussy thing at Mt Tomah Botanic Gardens . . reminded me of the perfection of a nautilus shell . . .
Ocky . . former lead singer for Aktor . . the job's open if anyone's interested. Taken at Home Bar in Darling Harbour
Where there's a dark, moist corner . .greenery survives and thrives. Bella Vista Farmhouse . .
OK . . .one for the boys to ogle and for us girly swats to wish our ass looked like that. . . C'mon . .you know you want it!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I have an acquaintance, a couple actually, who persist in forwarding emails, I suspect without reading them. Ridiculous assertions or xenophobic, ill informed rants that I find offensive and dangerous. These emails trawl the net for years, find many ignorant sympathisers and spread nothing but harm. Today those emailers have been told in no uncertain terms to cease and desist!
I received one this morning that I have received many times before and tolerated but today . . no more. The email in question features a small logo which appears on some well known products from reputable manufacturers and sits often, right next to the
"Recycle, Reuse, Reduce" or "Made in Australia" logo encouraging purchasers to dispose of the empty product containers responsible. For this, each organisation pays a license fee to display the logo. The inference of the email, is that the Halal Authority which endorses and licenses the logo for many products sold domestically and internationally uses the license fees earned from such endorsement to fund terrorism and ruin the "Australian" way of life whatever that is. I find this offensive and repugnant. So much so that I actually did a little research.
But first. the gist of this horrible piece of viral anti-marketing. . . the intonation has not been altered by me:
The LHS (circle)symbol is that of the - HALAL CERTIFICATION AUTHORITY - AUSTRALIA. This is a Muslim Association that collects money from the Australian Food Industry for this symbol so that Muslims will purchase the product.So infuriated at this sort of narrow minded bigotry and ignorance, I emailed the Heart Foundation, Weight Watchers and the Halal Authority (all of whom charge manufacturers a licence fee for logos or branding) and was resolutely told that they did not disclose fees paid by manufacturers to feature their logos. These are variable and dependent on a number of factors and frankly . . nobody's business but their own! They do not 'court' the manufacturers . . .quite the contrary . .savvy manufacturers approach them for endorsement to enhance their marketability domestically and overseas.
Yet we are told the Muslim population are only one and a half percent of Australia 's total!
On a recent radio talk-back show a well known host was alerted to this practice. He hit a stone wall when trying to find out HOW MUCH money was paid to this organization and WHERE the money went. It was explained that by buying those marked products at least you are supporting a religion that is actively trying to destroy the Australian way of life or at the other extreme the money MAY be supporting terrorism.
Many Australian Companies are paying this money. Check before you buy. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT MONEY IS GOING? Until you know, support those companies that support the Australian way of life. Check it for yourself . I checked out Cadbury today at Woolworths!!! No more Cadbury's for me!!! I will check everything from now on... It is also on my Bega Cheese. The symbol is so small you can hardly ready what it says. This is absolute fact. Before Lorraine went shopping Monday I showed her this email. She looked at the products in the shop mentioned and they had the symbol hidden on the back of the packaging and in a very weak colour that was hard to see. Leggo's Pasta Sauce has the logo on their bottles.
I also received a considered reply from the Halal Authority Chairman:
Thank you for your email and for being fair minded.
The emails and websites you refer to are noting but the work of the religious bigots and a few desperate anti Muslims opportunists. Halal certification is no different from Kosher certification, the Heart Tick, ISO, etc. Companies have to pay for the privilege of opening a market for them. A fact not known to public is that we work hand in hand with the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service (AQIS). Does that meant the Federal Government is involved in terrorism and trying to change the Australian way of life?
The couple of products you mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg, we certify more than 20,000 products. Halal certification allows Australian products to be sold in Muslim countries. This amounts to $8Billion which is one third of all Australia’s total food export. One third of the Australians working in the food manufacturing industry would be laid off if we ceased certifying. Also 80% of meat works would collect cobwebs.
Since we deal exclusively with manufacturers we see no reason to advertise our fees to all and sundry. The puerile insinuation that we take this money to support terrorism or to change the Australian way of life is laughable, absurd and bigoted.
Anyone who suspect us of doing anything illegal should immediately call the Australian Federal Police (AFP) on 1800 333 000. Calls can be anonymous.
Thank you very much for your interest and I am glad that there are people like you who have logic.
I don't know where the money being raised from the licensing is going but I suspect it costs quite a substantial amount to . . . HELLO! . . pay people to administer and inspect premises and certify manufacturers.
Then I don't know where the money in the collection plate is going either . . funding the New IRA perhaps? . . . I doubt it!
Please note: I am in no way endorsing or making comment on Islam as a religion. Just that xenophobia and ill informed viral emails are doing damage. Stop sending them!