Right You Naughty Boy - You're On Detention!

Fourteen days ago, we arrested an Indian doctor who had been working in a Queensland hospital for 2 years (apparently met all the immigration and qualification criteria at the time) attempting to leave Brisbane airport because his second cousin three million times removed happened to be involved in the failed English terror attempts. Apparently, 11 months ago, the hapless Doctor had given a sim card to said second cousin three million times removed and it was found in the Jeep - driven - in the failed attack on Glasgow airport. Probably down the back of a seat where it’s been living for the past 11 months like a kids lost biscuit or a MacDonald’s chip.

So Oz is abuzz. Finally we have a terrorist other than hapless David Hicks and innocent Hamaad Abib – niether of whom could knock the skin of a rice pudding. (Yeay happy claps the world will take notice of us now surely?) He was detained under our new terror laws which say that if you like kebabs and have dark skin and a moustache we can hold you indefinitely without charge. Needless to say, more and more Australians are clean shaven these days and tubes of blonding crème have sold out.

He endured a brief hearing at a local court and not enough evidence was provided to commit to trial by the Australian Federal Police so what did they do? Checked his “character” because we don’t want any drop kicks in here. If you a criminal record, live in a hot and rocky country within three million miles of Osama Bin Laden or arrive on a rickety boat we have nice specialised hostels for you called Detention Centres where we can hold you indefinitely and delay the processing of your exit or temporary residence visa before packing you on the next Qaintarse flight to the back of beyond. They’re nice. They’re new, they have shiny razor wire on the fence (Oooh I like shiny things) but other than that, you have a warm bed to sleep in and a hot meal and we’ll teach you English if you’re very, very good so that you’ll really stand out like a sore thumb when you’re repatriated to Wherethefuckistan.

Although we’re not that fussy. We’ve actually locked up two of our own by mistake in the past, one poor sausage because she was schizophrenic and couldn’t tell them her name. Spent 3 months in a detention centre before someone realised she was an Australian national (she’ll be rich when her law suit completes).

Circumventing a court order to free him after Federal prosecutors failed to convince a magistrate the Indian-born man was deemed too dangerous to release. Despite the fact that he’d tried to return to his homeland using his real name, a real passport and had his flight booked well in advance of the English explosions. His wife is still in India so maybe he was just going home for a bit of nookie.

What’s truly remarkable is the new lack of separation between justice and politics. Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews was apparently given “unspecified advice” to revoke the 27-year-old's visa shortly after magistrate agreed to release the doctor on $10,000 bail. What the?

Though most legal minds were outraged, Former head of the National Crime Commission offered his full support. "The truth is, we don't want anyone here, coming into this country, who we suspect is a terrorist," Mr Faris (fair enough) said. "That's different to saying we can prove they've committed terrorist offences." What the? (did I say that twice?) So now if you look a bit dodgy, are of middle eastern or Indonesian descent or have a funny name and a beard and a funny hat you will not be allowed in Australia just in case.

"If we see people who've got a connection like he has to a terrorist group, well, obviously we wouldn't let them come in here."

Well fair do’s . . . we did bar David Irving, Gerry Adams and Snoop Dog . . . look out Fitty Cent!