Insighted to Violence

Today I had a brain explosion enduced by someone at work. I don’t normally bitch although I’m known for being very forthright. I won’t say things behind your back that I would’t dare say to your face and I’ve never hated anyone in my entire life. Although, this week, my resolve has been truly tested and it’s only Wednesday. The progaganist:

TheMostAnnoyingParaPlannerInTheWorld. (TMAPITW)

I am assured by people who know nothing, that this hopeless woman is a gun ParaPlanner and used to punch out five plans a day. We don’t operate like that. Our plans are customised to each client so now we're lucky if we see one plan in 2 weeks! Slothful cow. Not only is she unproductive, she's bloody annoying.

She has one of those porn star kinda names like Misty Fuentes,or Dusty Fairplay but doesn't look at all like her name. Apparently, she found God a few years ago. That in itself isn’t enough to condemn her but get this - Her husband is unemployed but apparently he works for God. When asked “What does he do?” she replied “Whatever God wants him to . . .“ Obviously God wants him to sit on his arse being sanctimonious all day.

She’s one of these people that spends so much time talking and complaining and reinventing the wheel that we all sit here with visible hackles raised. She feels it’s her right to laud her opinion over everyone and has said as much. Subsequently, we feel its our right to tell her to shut the fuck up and go away . . . she doesn't seem to get it. Water off a duck's back - over the top and caught behind!

She is A Position Description Snob. Despite the fact that she’s is a working-class try-hard, she looks down on the administrative staff as if they are lackey’s installed to do her bidding. She is blissfully unaware that I am actually earning about $25,000 more than her but I'm too humble to raise that point. If she wants it, she wants it now – we delight in making her wait. Her work goes directly to the bottom of the in-tray, does not pass Go, does not collect $200.

She is a Hoverer: Whether you’re on the phone, finishing some correspondence, in the middle of a discussion or in the toilet - she will hover– well within the 1 metre mandatory personal space grid.

She Constantly Interrupts: If you don’t cease what you’re doing immediately she ALWAYS says “Hello . . .” then pauses pregnantly as if greeting you for the first time and you didn’t know she was there, or couldn’t feel her breathing down your neck. She then begins to poorly articulate whatever it is she wants whether you’ve given her the go ahead or not

She Speaks in Tongues: You know the type, you listen to them talk for 10 minutes and then think “What did she say?”. A sort of roundabout boardroom speak with very few nouns so you feel like you’re listening to a foreign language and can't even pick out the gist.

She Eavesdrops- I work within a quadrangle of workstations and occasionally the ‘troops’ will have a break from work and discuss life the universe and everything. It’s between them but . . . TMAPITW will come out of her office and attempt to join in the conversation which is invariably ‘about’ her. The phrase ‘mind your own business’ has no resonance. And the attitude 'we don't care'. . doesn't make an impact.

She Passes the Buck: Multi-tasking is a necessity in a small business. She is incapable of 'pitching in'. The last to assist, the first to put her hand up for a freebie. She is never seen punching a hole and fixing correspondence to a file. The filthy mess of potage is just dumped on one of the assistant's desks for them to contend with,complete with coffee stains. If her PC crashes she is useless. She won’t answer the phone. She is incompetent in Word so passes her work for formatting. She refuses to use electronic client management system. In fact, all she does is Financial Plans.

She challenges EVERYTHING: It might be the way you speak, the way you write, the layout of a letter, the position of the watercooler. The type of coffee, the calibre of the biscuits, the procedures in place, the organisational structure, the meeting format . This morning, I was even given some unsolicited advice regarding the title for a new staff member and was told that one of the photographs I used in a client promotion was ‘unsuitable’. Fuckwit. Where did she get her credentials!

She Talks Too Much: If the time spent hovering, gossiping and providing unsolicited advice was condensed each day, there would be an extra three hours in which she could improve productivity.

I’m well over my word limit but this woman incites me to violence why? Because she gets away with it. If I complain, I'll be the cow that upset her so I sit silently, saying nothing then venting on my blog which I know she'll never find. The woman's a technodolt and thick as two short bricks. . . .I can’t look at her without imagining my fist swiping across her face and her ugly mutt flying across the room and that is indeed an extremely rare thing for me as the penultimate pacifist. She is infuriating, annoying, troublesome, untrustworthy, lazy, disrespectful and unempathic - everything I hate in a human being and to top it off she doesn't do her friggin job properly and nobody seems to notice or care.

Ohm madi padi - ohm madi padi - ohm madi padi - I just hope karma gets the biatch!