Friday Fuckwit

Ok I'm taking the term Fuckwit, literally tonight. Just had lovely after-work drinky poos with the girls from work and TheBoss a the honorary matron (hey, he's good for a round) so research has been a little stymied by good times and sex talk was obviously on the Agenda once TheBoss left (hey, girls talk about it too!) But this week, some interesting facts from France and their nemeses, the Brits:

As Britons tighten their belts to cope with the credit crunch, a new poll showed their favourite leisure activity is whipping off their pants for a quick roll in the hay.

According to the YouGov survey conducted over the Internet, 37 per cent of Britons rank having sex at the top of their list of free time activities. So much for that reserved stiff upper lift. I once dated a Brit for ages before he took the plunge to venture a french snog!

That was more than the next three highest options combined - gossiping with friends (18 per cent), window shopping (9 per cent) and going to a museum (6 per cent). Now that's more like it.

"During the credit crunch our famed British upper lip might not be as stiff as before but other parts still are," said Lisa Power, head of policy at the Terrence Higgins Trust, the British sexual health charity that commissioned the poll. (A Charity has funding to commission a sex poll?)

According to the poll, however, women preferred gossiping with friends (no surprises there), while men tended to rank sex as number one. (still no surprises)

It also showed that passion levels may be tied to the cold weather, (You don't say . . dancing doonas (continental quilts or duvets for the uninitiated) all over pommieland attest to this fact) with 43 per cent of Scots rating sex as their favourite free time activity, compared to 35 per cent of Londoners. I think that might have something to do with what they don't wear under their kilts and ease of access perhaps? (I know, I know, don't get all sensitive and kick me for being stereotypical because that's what I am m'kay!)

Then there are the amorous French who apparently need the largest condoms in the world:

The French say (yeh they "say", as they would!) they need the largest condoms in Europe while Greeks get by on smaller ones, according to a Europe-wide study by a German consultancy that provides advice on condoms. (Another interesting career choice. "So, what do you do for a living", he says, "Well actually , I give advice on condom sizing!" Now there's a conversation starter if ever I heard one!)

The study by the Singen-based Institute of Condom Consultancy (sounds very credible don't you think?) was done by asking 10,500 men in 25 countries to measure their penis and enter the number into a database. (Wouldn't you like to be a fly on that wall while the tape measure was being utilised?).

The results show French men on average claim to need 15.48cm-long condoms, about 3cm longer than Greeks, whose condom-size requirement was the most modest.

The institute's director did not want to comment on how honest he thought the Frenchmen had been in reporting the data. "Hoh hoh hoh hoh, I iz ung like ze donkey! Ze chicky babez lovez eet."

The survey was aimed at educating youngsters about the importance of effective contraception.

The institute also offers online condom-size advice and hosts Pimp Your Condom (are they serious!), an annual fair organised in cooperation with the national Aids Trust, with the aim of educating teens about sexually transmitted diseases. (Oh well that's alright then)

Mr Krause was in the spotlight in the past when he produced a prototype of the 'spray-on condom,' an aerosol can which contains latex that creates a perfectly fitting condom. The idea was not developed further. (Erm because it hurt to peel it off?)

I have one thing to say . . .I was taught this at university in a perfectly authentic biology class, honestly, this is God's own truth: "The flacid penis is no indication of it's erect state!" And ever since Batman, I've had a thing for men in rubber suits!

So next time you get a clear view just think - Jesus, wouldn't want that as a wart over my left eyebrow!

This post is rated M15 for Mature Audiences.
Children under the age of 15 should be accompanied by an adult. Ropi, you just scrape in.