Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Well as you know I’m on the job hunt. To date I've made 10 applications, had 2 rejections and 2 interviews the balance, I've yet to receive a response. So with the Madhouse playing with “Foot in Mouth” . . I wondered if perhaps I’d written something weird on the cover letters, put something silly in my Resume or said something stupid in the interview . . .it has been 15 years since I did a job interview!

It’s a tough market and I’ve only just started really going for it in earnest so, before I get depressed about the lack of jobs in my wage bracket or the frustration of registering with agencies and trawling online, I decided to look at the bright side with examples of inclusions in cover letters that demonstrate opening mouth and inserting foot!

I’ve had sex jobs in the past five years I would like to re-enter the pubic service I am talk, dark and very good looking so when you meet me you will definitely employ me
God fearing
Please do not think that I have jumped from job to job from the 15 jobs I listed. I just get itchy feet and need change.
Personal Interests (woman) Personal Interests (man) - painting my toenails in varying colours" Personal Interests (unknown sex) – Facebook, Linked In, Twine, Twitter other Social Networking and Blogging Personal Interests: I enjoy driving around in my Lamborghini at the weekends
I have a known track record and excellence experience with accurancy and fixing erors
I had an affair with my boss which went wrong, so I had to leave my current job!
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
Its best for employers that I not work with people.
Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

I just hope some of these guys are in competition for my next position application!