Friday Fuckwits

Friday again and not before time. The new job is hectic and I haven't actually had a proper handover. She who is supposed to be teaching me the ropes was sick Monday, gave me an hour on Wed and Thursday and is now off until next Wednesday. Talk about a baptism of fire!

So . . today's Friday Fuckwits are left-handed men . . but only those who have trouble getting their willies out to have a slash and apparently take 3 seconds longer than right handed men thanks to the slit in their under chunders opening to the right. Really guys. I mean you don't have to struggle with panty hose and the Bridget Joneses or hoicking your skirt up to your waist before wiping the drips of the previous slasher who refused to lift the toilet seat - all whilst your bladder is the size of a hot air balloon and screaming to release it's contents!

The new range, by UK-based Hom men's nicky noos, will have a horizontal opening instead of a vertical slit accessed from the right-hand side, breaking a tradition that has lasted for 75 years.

"In our view, this is a vital step toward equality for left-handed men," said Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store. Haha . . .don't talk to me about equality you willie wankers.

Almost 10 percent of British men are believed to be left handed but men's Y-fronted underpants have traditionally had a right-handed opening from the time they were invented in 1935.

"As a result," Debenhams said, "left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z shaped maneuver through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right handed men perform with ease." OMG . . .Z shaped . . the mind boggles!

Previously, it added, boxer shorts, with an adaptable, ambidextrous opening in the middle, have been the underpants of choice for left handed men.

The new pants mean that left handed men can finally go to the bathroom as quickly and efficiently as their right-handed colleagues, the store said. Somehow, 'quickly and efficiently' hasn't been my experience. Especially when they don't lift the seat!

"Switching the opening from vertical to horizontal may sound like a small step, but it's the major breakthrough that many have been waiting for," added Faucherand. The chunders will retail for a whopping 22 pounds! Crikey, they'd want to get the schlong out of the pocket for you at that price!

LONDON (Reuters) - A British store is launching a range of underpants for left-handed men, an innovation it says will save them both time and embarrassment in front of the porcelain.

Actually a horizontal slit in your shorts sounds a bit uncomfortable when reaching for your wedding tackle but I wouldn't know much about these things.

Fwoaaar! Nice pecks!

And before you get on your left-hoofed high horses, I'm a cacky hander and constantly have to turn my ironing board round the 'wrong' way, lay tables back to front, and struggle with right handed scissors and boy could I do with a left-handed hammer. (What do you mean there's no such thing as a left-handed hammer?)

Have a fabfuckinabulous weekend folks. I'm spending it removing red dust from outside surfaces and washing it off my windows. I should bottle it and sell it as 'natural blush'.