Memelicious Monday

Writer's block has hit big time. I have lots of ideas but little inclination. Didn't even feel like a Friday Fuckwit last week, due in no small part to a 'warning interview' by the woman I work for who doesn't want me to put things on her desk when she's absent, doesn't want me to organise her diary, doesn't want to communicate via email and doesn't think I'm capable of attending to detail. Basically, we just don't like each other. Not one bit. I am a disappointment so she's farmed me off to the loveliest man and his project team right down the other end of the office. I still have to be her Executive Assistant, but on a day to day level, I'm working with a gentleman and five of the nicest men you could hope to meet. While the sword of Damocles hangs over my head, I'll stick it out until I actually do vomit before leaving for work in the morning (I've come close!) So here's a little meme to lighten what is otherwise a rather stressful existence at the moment.

My earliest memory is . . . being in my high chair and terrified at the shimmery shadow a spoon made on the ceiling. Oh that and sitting under the kitchen table sharing the dog's Winalot!

At high school I… met my best friend in the world, in year 9, after going to three different high schools and 9 different primary schools. She's still my best friend was my Maid of Honour and I her bridesmaid. I love her but I treat her badly.

My first relationship was… Well apart from my riding partner Casey Vanderzaag who I dumped after 2 years of lovely friendship because he wore white socks to a party - Steven Rodriguez who was the best eucalyptus and honey tasting kisser on the planet. The whole thing was quashed when I moved from Melbourne to Sydney and my prying mother found his letters . . yep . . he used the 'F' word and I was banned from corresponding! (Haha . . if she could hear me now!)

I wish I’d never worn… a pink corduroy pant suit that my Nana bought for me to the Monkees show in Melbourne. I stood out like the Pink Panther at an Amish service! Didn't stop me standing on my seat and screaming like a banshee. Oh and a poorly inserted tampon when I was 14 and rode a horse all the way down Windsor and North Rocks Road (about 15 kms) . . .

My mother told me… If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all and always have $50 in your pocket for a cab and wear clean underwear. Oh and don't burn a roux and eat your vegetables and a banana is a meal in itself and "I love you . . "

I wish I had… Money . . lots of it. Then I'd work in a job I liked not one I need. Oh and I'd pay the kids' HECs debts and buy Adam a new van with army camouflage on it and big "Garden Assault: plastered all over the side! Then I'd book my holiday . . .

My most humiliating moment was… I'm only allowed one? Let's keep it funny . . Farting rather loudly in a car full of five twenty-somethings because I was laughing so much. It wasn't that humiliating except it's been remembered and reminisced frequently and after 30 years . . .move on girls!

At home I cook… most of the time. Deciding what to cook for the fam 24/7 x 365 is getting a little laborious. Although Adam's pretty good and fills in now and then.

My last meal would be… Hot and cold seafood platter without the 8 legged thingamies with suckers and a bottle of champagne. OK maybe a little pot of chocolate mousse to finish and a flat white, extra strong with one.

I’m very bad at… managing money, paying attention to detail apparently, keeping in touch with good friends, relaxing, looking on the bright side, swimming in the surf, making pavlova, controlling my emotions, biting my tongue and . .well that's enough for now . . I'm very bad at a lot of things.

When I was a child… every birthday found me asking for the money for a "Day Trek" at the local stables. I was allowed out until the street lights came on . . didn't matter where and to eat rhubarb from my Granddad's patch without washing it and pouring lashings of castor sugar in the groove . . I have never had an allergy in my life so I put that down to childhood, grubbiness and a good immune system.

The book that changed my life is… Ken Follet's Pillars of the Earth . . I'm not a great reader but this one has never left me.

It’s not fashionable, but I love… rubber thongs, yoga pants and DJ's T shirts. So much so that I have multiple 'units' oh and not wearing a bra on the weekends. Go girls!

Friends say I am… bolshy, confident, argumentative, unreliable and I snore. I'm also loyal, helpful, there in a crisis and can always be the voice of reason.

The song I’d like played at my funeral is… Again only one! Every time I hear something I like I think 'yeh, that's the funeral song'. I vacillate between the absurd, Ween Push the Little Daisies, the serene, Pachobel's Canon (Remix) and the dreamy, Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah! There are more but they would bore.

If only I could… hug my parents just once more, walk into a room of strangers by myself, operate a camera on totally manual settings, work for a worthy cause and not worry about the salary. Give up my fondness for wine and cigarettes, lose weight, meet a goodly bunch of you . . especially the emailers with whom I've formed a some very close relationships. Swing the leg over a horse without fear of rupturing something important.

The last big belly laugh I had was…you know, I can't remember. I love that contagious uncontrollable laughter that makes your eyes water and your bladder leak. I'm having a weekend with the girls in November and that is their challenge! Make me lose it ladies!

What I don’t find amusing is… my internet disconnecting so frequently, control freaks, racist or sexist humour, Camry drivers, sycophants, animal cruelty and people who think they have power abusing it. I'm also not fond of people traffickers, Japanese whaling for 'ressearch', poor planning decisions by Government and an inability to find a lighter that works when in desperate need of a nurrell! I am also not fond of beer bottles on the window sill and smelly landscaper's clothes left on the floor for a week!

I’m always being asked… 'are you alright', 'how's the new job?', 'why don't you come out more often?', 'what's for dinner?'.

If I wasn’t me…then who would I be? Is that the point of this question? If I wasn't me, I wouldn't be. Although sometimes I wish I was Richard Branson.

At the moment I’m listening to… Triple J, Clare's career and travel plans, ABC News and crickets!

My favourite work of art is… anything Klimpt but I would like to see the Last Supper just to check out that effeminate apostle! And I long for a cruise around the Louvre. Actually I love art, any of it in any shape and form. I love looking at it, touching it and marveling at the skill behind it. I do have a problem with a piece in the National Gallery of Australia called PMS450 which is just a square of blue. Hell I can do that!

If I were a car I’d be… A Jeep Troopy . . .uncomfortable, practical, dirt coloured and able to tow a trailer.

I often wonder… What my life would be like if my husband had survived, if indeed I will ever live to sell this house and feel financially secure. Whether I'll meet a man young enough to interest me but be a tad older than my son!