I threatened to Clare and Jeffscape that I was going to take the stitches out myself and both berated me no end. I've done it before, hey the wound's healed it doesn't hurt but no, I was pressured into doing the right thing and going to the Doctor at great expense to have them removed.
Which got me thinking about pressure. The sort of pressure exerted on you by people you love and how you compromise your own decisions in favour of their influence. I thought I was over that. Being influenced by others but clearly I'm not.
Someone says "You should . . ." or as is more frequent these days "You shouldn't . ." I still acquiesce. It's taken me a long time to revolt against that and I still succumb now and then.
Yet dare I suggest that someone else 'should' or 'shouldn't' invariably I'm met with resistance. What's the story there? Are we creatures built on giving advice whether it's good or bad. I've given plenty in my time, rarely is it acted upon so what makes one person more influential over another, or one person cave in against their better judgement.
I am not the person I used to be. I don't have the confidence, the trust, that I used to have and it's turning me into someone a little fearful. I am negative and think the worst. I drive people crazy with my worrying. Then I worry people sick with my recklessness. I am a contradiction in terms. I tread on eggshells with bastards and I protest to much against the gentle.
Tell me the truth gracefully, point out my faults gently, but praise my attributes honestly. Be my friend. Friends are supposed to put up with the good and bad in each other without recrimination. I am what I am, which is mostly the reason you're my friend in the first place.
I guess life experiences aren't strengthening my resolve as much as I thought they would. I don't like it. I don't like being who I am at the moment. Needy, worried, cautious, afraid, then the upside is I'm more understanding, forgiving, loyal. Does there always have to be a trade-off. I was so buoyed and happy last month. Not so much this month and it's all in my over-thinking head. Or is it? My kid's left home, which I think I'm fine with. My closest online friend is having an 'episode' which I understand but am not particularly fine with.
I think I have the answer. I am too good at building up hope. Hope is a wasted emotion, it's like jealousy, destructive and rarely ends up well. I hope I sell this stupid block. I hope I will meet this wonderful person. I hope my kids will always be there for me. I hope my finances will improve. I hope that clunk in my transmission isn't anything serious.
So if I annoy you, do things you don't like or appreciate, I'm sorry. It's usually because I'm either having a hedonistic moment or I care about you. Take your pick.
Although 99.9% of the time, it's because I care. Oh pass me a fucking baguette.
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| Me in my Happy Place - Florence, October 2010 |
OK Tomorrow it's the Friday Fuckwit so I'll lighten up.
smiles. hoping everything will be alright with the friend...it is hard...and harder still knowing we cant change others...hang in there...you alright in my book...
ReplyDeletePersonally I think I've come to love you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteI hope I get to see more recklessness ...is that the right amount of sssss's? I want a dash more of that too.
You are in the process of becomeing the most authentic version of yourself.
Do you know the Velveteen Rabbit?
We are like that.
xx p.s I had a sudden flash of my children saying "she got so reckless"...Oh that sounds fantastic! Thank you for the prompt.
You are just a wonderful human being, comfortable in your own skin. If we did not have such complexities in our personalities, we will be like zombies. I know that you care as do all your regular readers.
ReplyDeleteA happy photo on the desktop and favourite music playing in the background do wonders to lift the spirit.
ReplyDeletegreat pic I always try to avoid you should mainly because I'm no expert and do not walk in anyone's shoes.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand about the pressure from others. It's taken me almost 50 years to figure out that I can say no gracefully and do it my own way....although it's still something I struggle with.
ReplyDeleteWhat a cute photo of you! love the view, too!
Hells, you shouldn't let anyone who lives outside your head tell you what to think, believe or do, and you should listen to your own heart and mind and do whatever you want.
ReplyDeleteBut, gah, being this shining example of a "palm tree personality," swaying whichever way the wind blows, who am I to give advice? ;-)
Oh, and you gonna share that baguette, or what?
ReplyDeleteLots of good thoughts in this post. The same ideas are often bouncing around in my brain. I always say I am a work in progress and will never be able to figure it all out and be done.
ReplyDeleteLove that picture of you!
Always worried about something? Me too. You can tell yourself a thousand times that worrying too much is pointless, but does the brain listen?
ReplyDeleteYou are what you are, for better or for worse. All you can do is minimise the unhelpful bits and focus on the bits that enrich your life. And then have another glass of chardy!
well, part of your world was turned upside down recntly and it seems to be a shock to the system...need a bit of time to recoop and reflect. Don't worry, be happy (now).
ReplyDeletehere comes a whole box full of virtual baguettes...you don't even have to share with Patti if you don't want to.
Ohhh, how cold is that? And here I thought Mr. Half-Moose was my friend. Gah.
ReplyDeleteA hug for you as I could ramble about emotions and our subconscious, but I think a hug is of equal value right now and possibly will be more appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful
xox
PS... awesome photo x
ReplyDeleteOh I hear ya, sister. "You should" are the two words I don't want tattooed on me (apart from 'Don't Laugh' and 'No thanks'). I think we're all experts at giving advice but when it's us at the receiving end it's difficult to either carry out what they suggest or tell 'em to sod off. Somewhere in the middle and I'm still searching for that mythical middle.
ReplyDeleteYou're a complicated woman, Baino and that's why we're here, reading your blog, cheering you on. Who'd want to be simple in a world like ours?
You are so funny and frank, that is why we love you. Plus this is the Baino's Banter. Did you ever tell the story behind the name? And where were you in that picture? Europe? It is beautiful.
ReplyDeletep.s. your closest online friend?
ReplyDeleteno worries, i'm fine :)
xo
Other person: "you should....(whatever)"
ReplyDeleteMe: "yes, I probably should"
Other person: "so you're going to..?"
Me: "No."
A clunk in your transmission is always serious. Ignore it at your peril.
I still say he's a brat. :)
ReplyDeletehells, i've returned here to find that my first comment didn't post, which makes my second comment non sensical.
ReplyDeletewhat i said first was that the melencholy in this post is a signpost to move slowly, carefully. i know about this.
and still, i also know when you fly you will not fall.
Ah Helen, you have never managed to annoy me and I can't imagine a situation in which you would. I have always thought that you were one of the few "real" people out there. So relax and have another baguette.
ReplyDeletesome wag said: life's a bitch, you marry one... and then you die!
ReplyDeleteParis, j'taime!
ReplyDeleteNo one likes to take advice - but everyone likes to give it. And I can't think that anybody but a nutcase wouldn't like a baguette.
ReplyDeleteHey sounds like that whack to the head that required stitches has caused you other troubles!!! I am diagnosing you...and that is what I do now that my kids have all gone every which way loose...and I have all this time on my hands and no money and am knee deep in shit of trying to get disability and all i think about is head injury...
ReplyDeletebut seriously lets not discount your problems...
http://www.cdc.gov/concussion/signs_symptoms.html
When the feel physically down and/or tired, life can seem more psychologically daunting too. Just park any insecurities over to one side for a bit, recover, eat, drink, go out walking and hopefully they'll not seem such big deals after all.
ReplyDeleteTalking about missed opportunities... being to drunk to flirt with the ambulance nurse. You SHOULD moderate your booze intake of course. And aim for a doctor.
ReplyDeleteAnd you SHOULDN'T be so hard on yourself.
You deserve a prize for the best titled post ;-)
I think it's part of the maturing process, Baino. We're most of us over-confident and all-knowing idiots when we're young and never listen to any advice, ever. As we get older and wiser we do change as we learn. It's always going to be a balancing act between give and take, confidence and anxiety, excess and moderation. We go through phases too - and I've been where you are. Still am, in many ways. Don't worry so much. You're alright!
ReplyDeleteSo true what you say about friendship. People become your friend because they like you, as you are. If someone can't cope with both the good and bad aspects of your personality, they aren't true friends. ;)
Lots to chew on in this post. I have a friend who's going through intense therapy following a breakdown. Her therapist says, "Do only what you want to do, or are willing to do. Don't do the should-do's. I enjoy your honesty and frankness. And I'm also working on letting go of the shoulds. I'm facing some tough medical decisions right now, and the amount of shoulds people are bombarding me with is overwhelming to me. So if you'd please share some of your box of baguettes and hand me that martini. So glad to put a face with the name. Very cute picture.
ReplyDeleteWe are all contradictions in one way or another. I promise I will never give my kids another word of advice; then I see them going off the rails and put my mouth in gear before I engage the clutch. (Or whatever the saying is.)
ReplyDeleteAnd "should" must never be in anyone's vocabulary when giving advice. It's much better to say, "I wonder if you have considered this." Works for me.
Great photo Helen. I'm all for being in the Happy Place. I always dread if someone says "Would you mind if I just tell you something?" It's usually a polite way of saying you suck at this.Did you pick up on the intense thought bubble emanating from that top pigeon? It wants your bagel.The fact it doen't have it is making it shitty. But then, anything makes a pidgeon shitty, right?x
ReplyDeleteWell dear Baino, i know what you mean. that is so true for many of us in one way or another. here's to boldness and freedom from hope even! What a thought but I know exactly what you mean here in fact. Ok, I'm hoping that baguette is surprisingly buttered for you. Enjoy. :) thanks for always being so real. Love that.
ReplyDeleteNow that's a piece of writing Baino. Just superb. I love the line "I thread on eggshells with bastards", I love it!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBaino, about pressure, when you said you thought you were over that, I can relate to that. God, I can relate to that.
ReplyDelete"I tread on eggshells with bastards and I protest to much against the gentle."
superb writing Baino.
you got me,
socked me with that baguette. thank you.
I love the pic.
Brilliant post. You shine, you really do.
I gotta have a lil hope...just not BIG hope right? Disappointment is a kick in the ass. I put more value in your HONESTY...be who you are!
ReplyDeleteLook at you in this photo! You are charming...eating your baguette and all! Love your curly hair!