Friday Fuckwit and the Botty Burp

Apparently the average person breaks wind 20-40 times a day. (Not me of course, only sun shines out of my ass).  It's a fact of life, we all succumb to botty burps, squeezing the cheese, passing wind, indulging in a little morning thunder, stepping on a toad, cutting loose, pooting, pumping, trumping, parping and biffing. Of course there is etiquette to be observed and after witnessing my second webcam indiscretion this week (he could do with paying a little attention to the rules), apparently these are they:

Gentlemen should accept blame when in the presence of a lady who accidentally let's one rip. Although it's also appropriate to blame the dog

You can also pass a disapproving glance toward some innocent and silently accuse them of the misdemeanour

Never admit to smelling it first. The old adage 'dogs smell their own dirt first' is true.

Never fart in a lift

Never pull anyone's finger if asked 

If caught, turn the wrongdoing into a point of price. Declare it a necessary act, note that you're feeling 'much better' now, apologise and move on.

Hope to God you don't have to emigrate to Malawi:

Mail Onine
Last updated at 10:36 AM on 28th January 2011

The government of Malawi, led by Dr Bingu wa Mutharika, are planning to outlaw breaking wind.  The plan is to punish persistent offenders 'who foul the air' in a bid to 'mould responsible and disciplined citizens.'  But locals fear that pinning responsibility on the crime will be difficult - and may lead to miscarriages of justice as 'criminals' attempt to blame others for their offence.

One Malawian told the website Africanews.com: 'My goodness. What happens in a public place where a group is gathered. Do they lock up half a minibus? And how about at meetings where it is difficult to pinpoint 'culprits'? Children will openly deny having passed bad air and point at an elder. Culturally, this is very embarrassing,' she said.

Another said: 'We have serious issues affecting Malawians today. I do not know how fouling the air should take priority over regulating Chinese investments which do not employ locals, serious graft amongst legislators, especially those in the ruling party, and many more.'

The crime will be enforceable in a new 'Local Court' system which will also have powers to punish a range of other crimes in the bill set to be debated in the country's parliament. These include insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging to fight a duel, and trespassing on a burial place. It also outlaws pretending to be a fortune teller

Well I never! Better not let Adam holiday there, I'll never see him again.

Have a wonderful weekend, this one couldn't come fast enough for me. The weather's stinkin' but it's easier to deal with when you're in a pool.