Monday, November 28, 2011

Things Men Have Told Me

"Can we make love now..." In a Triumph Sprite.. yeh like that's gonna happen. Is that the gear stick or are you just happy to see me?
"Fuck off... you're dead to me" Brotherly love
"You're terribly pretty" So ask me out moron
"You have a big clitoris, I like that" *no sound*
"You're not the right cultural fit" I could wear a Hijab if  you prefer it.
"Don't oversell yourself" ...because underselling is so much better
"You are lovely, intelligent, interesting and one day will make someone really happy"  Who?
"I like older women..." Thank you Mr Goodbar
"You're so aggressive" yeh well if I was a man, I'd be 'assertive', a go-getter
"Don't be needy.." because not caring is sharing
"You say what you think don't you?" You'd prefer I lie?
"I feel a bit woozy" Yeh but you're not the one in labour shitting out a watermelon!
"You're out of your futhermuckin mind." Only because you put me there
"Your skillset is extraordinary." You gonna hire me?
"Oh my. You have great breasts" Yeh my babies liked them -26 years ago
"You know you fart in your sleep?" And you don't?
"Oh this isn't good" Upon an internal examination, "This is excellent" Thank you Dr - Every girl dreams of a well healed vaginal cuff.
"I only eat here to be polite" What? After I've been to Morocco to get the ingredients to my Moosewood Cookbook?
"Can you do me a favour?" What? Babysit your dog while you take your floozie to Fiji, sure.
"You need to stop projecting..." Because my lumen is fading?
"I love you, but..." ....Oh really... stop...now
"You make the best pepper sauce.." Truth at last. My epitaph. No, really I do make an awesome pepper sauce.

Crank it punters and dance like you're going to lose your legs tomorrow....if it wasn't so funny, it would be sad


I should add that these are men over the ages...not anyone in particular. Feel fee to share some of he silliness...

20 comments:

AngelMay said...

LOL! Girl.....I would smack down someone who said to me SOME of those things - and kill him for the rest. :)

Good post - funny yet tugging at the heart.

oceangirl said...

I really like the song. And love your responses!

Brian Miller said...

*no sound* hahaha...some men i tell you...

kj said...

so bittersweet my emotions don't know what to do! what an eyecatching title, i couldn't wait to get here. of course i am laughing my ass off, but i'm also thinking that anyone who doesn't tune into your gentle shyness is missing the sweetest part of all. ♥

i think all this is a precursor for what's to come. just choose wisely, my darling hells, and the rest will be enchanting.

xoxo
kj

Carolina said...

LOL and at the same time: oh dear, some men! Tssss

What about this one, on Valentine's day: here is some money, go and buy flowers for yourself.

(I told him what I thought of that shit idea right there and then, and we've been together ever since. Mind you, from that moment on I only get flowers on my birthday.)

Love kj's comment. True, no doubt!

And I love the song.

Tom said...

i'm glad to see a post here, but not at all qualified to comment. so....

Janice said...

Oh...these are great quotes. Some of them brought back unpleasant memories, but your responses gave me a laugh. Love your sense of humor!

Roy said...

Having never said any of those things to a woman, I pronounce myself not guilty. Heh, heh! I think *no sound* is the proper response to all of them; idiocy doesn't rate a response.

Mim said...

Men. Can't live with 'em.....can't shoot 'em.

PattiKen said...

Ha! Many of those must be universal guy phrases. And, gee, some are delivered in the same voice.

This no doubt comes under the heading of too much information, but since we're going there... With an arm submerged up to the elbow, an OB/GYN once said to me, "How tall ARE you?"

Pam said...

I bet there's a book there somewhere of comments from men that leave women reeling.
Though they had youth as an excuse I remember from my twenties (I've been out of the dating game forever)...
"You know you've broken my heart breaking up like this...do you..um..know anyone? girlfriends, rellies(???) that might be interested in..."
...and from a woolshed dance in the country, last dance, being slobbered over and leaned on...
slurred speech ..."You know" he says, tilting his hat back, "although you won't go out wiv' me, I'll never ever ever forget you -(burp).What'dya say your name was again?"
...and once sitting on the beach (we were both 18) "your hair is so beautiful and shiny - like a ..a..fox pelt".
As for the anatomical stuff, I've heard andecdotes from workmates very similar to what you've written. Makes for an interesting lunch break!
One woman took a guy home who was more interested in her silk night attire than her, and asked if he could take it home.
"I hate to ask" he said "but I'd like to see if it fits me first...".

Jay said...

Ahahahaha!! Some of those are absolutely priceless!!

Most of those would be history as soon as the words had left their selfish big mouths. Mind you, I'm sure someone could (and probably has) made a similar list of things women have said ...

Ces said...

Oh my goodness. These are funny. You are so gutsy to share them. Hahahaha! Hope you are well.

Kath Lockett said...

You've earned your stripes and the bloke who finally gets you will DESERVE you and do everything to keep deserving you!

Love Chunks once thought he was being romantic when he said (years ago): "You know, it's only been five years but it feels like a lifetime." Er, thanks sweetie....

nick said...

I'm sure when I was young I made plenty of similarly asinine comments to one woman or another. If men could just put themselves in the woman's place, they might realise how idiotic they're being.

Jefferson Davis said...

Ha! I'm going to do one on what women have told me! ;)

T. said...

Futhermucking hilarious!

Robyn said...

Love it!!

Hope you are being kind to you and having some fun loving times xx

i beati said...

what a voice on that Florence huh?

Siobhan said...

Oh Helen, we really should do a huge collaboration on this and make a book. People... What a bunch of bastards.