Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Spurious World of Internet Dating

Alright. I fell in love with the wrong man. Well no, I had a mighty crush on the wrong man. Well no, he was the right man but the wrong time. Well no, it was the right man at the right time but the wrong ages. So, to move onwards and upwards, re-mount the horse so to speak, I decided to try RSVP dating. Hey, it worked for Clare's flatmate although being a silf-like blonde with big boobs probably didn't do her any harm.

So it works like this. You get onto the site and build a very comprehensive profile pretty much describing yourself in vivid, and in my case, accurate detail (although I neglected mentioning arthritic knees and a neurotic personality). Then you plonk up a few photos. Then you buy a few 'Stamps' so that when someone sends you a 'Kiss' you can actually reply beyond their measured responses or you can email and begin a chat.

Now I'm no stranger to Chat. I use it to talk to you...to family...to said crush...I don't even have a phone so Skype IS my phone but there's nothing worse than getting a 'Kiss' from an index typist, you know, the ones going 'Where's the 't' on this keyboard'. I have time to make coffee, get changed and take a pee before he's replied to two lines of conversation.

So, first encounter is via chat. Nice policeman, very tall, quite handsome but has kids with him 60% of the time, talks then declares that he's actually not interested in romance just collecting conversations to fill his boring weeknights when the ex-wifey (with whom he has a wonderful relationship) has the kidlets, and all women met and chatted with, are referred to as his 'ladies'. Ba-dong! Outta there.

Then there's the 47 year old that likes oral (yes he pretty much broached that in the first half hour), 'lol's a lot and keeps sending me email notifications via RSVP at 1:30 in the afternoon when I've already told him I work behind a secure proxy server and can't get onto network, dating sites or blogs. He refuses to tell me more than his name or sexual preferences, playful and funny but will not email or Skype (oh don't worry I have 'alternative' accounts for the great unseen). Another one for the bin.

There's the lovely freelance journo who I actually did meet on a pouring wet day, although he was half an hour late when I msg'd said crush, who bless his cotton socks stayed up until I came home to make sure I was alright and to hear the predictable 'woe is me' whine - or perhaps to gloat because he thought I'd been stood up. Anyway, said journo/photographer sends so many mixed messages from 'you're lovely and terribly pretty, let's keep in touch,' through to 'I chased a woman up the north coast and it didn't work out.' My thoughts? Why is he on a dating site if he's already got a target. Rebound man who I'm still talking to but sparks? Probably not. Could end up being a decent pal tho so hope springs eternal.

Tonight however was a doozie. A rather nice military man sent me a 'Kiss'. I emailed back in the hope of chat. Clearly broken English, had a short exchange (remember he's the one that initiated contact) parted with "I have to go to the bed" and that was it. Perhaps it was my name that put him off, or the fact that I typed 50 words to his 1, since we barely had a conversation beyond, 'How long have you been on here'.  As far as I know, he's still online and shopping in the virtual meat market.

Ah well, I have six stamps which entitles me to emails to the end of January. So if Mr Right doesn't pop his head up, and Mr Goodbar doesn't kill me.... or he's able to type with more than two fingers and isn't holding a huge fish above his head as a trophy... I'm buying a dildo and listening to the sexy voice of the guy on the 'Quit Smoking' CD that I bought last year.  Now there's an image to rock your world!


Oh you really didn't think I'd go there did you?

29 comments:

oceangirl said...

You are too funny Baino, someone is definitely just a click away to find you.

But really where do people go to find their soul mate? It can't be on a dating site, or can it? It can only be through prayers because I know it is a miracle.

i beati said...

Give it your best girl and blessed holiday !! Sandy

Robyn said...

Hahaha... too funny.
I've never had the experience of an internet dating site, but I've heard many funny and scary stories from friends and the very rare success story too.

I think we meet people when we least expect it, anywhere, anytime.

Good luck, have fun and stay safe.

Merry Christmas too :) xx

Roy said...

Hmmmmmm... I've tried the Internet dating services with about the same results. I don't check the sites I'm registered on very often as a result. I've pretty much given up and now wait for lightning to strike in the 3D world.

Brian Miller said...

omeone as charming as you...i know he is just a waiting...

PattiKen said...

Oh, oh, oh. Well, I guess I think that if one goes into it with the view that it's a lark, and one is careful about the Mr. Goodbar types, then it might be, well, a lark. I will say this, though. I know two happily married couples who met through an Internet dating service.

P.S. Did you hear those violins playing on FB yesterday?

Kath Lockett said...

He will find you. Or you him. You have to crack a lot of walnuts before wanting to actually sink your teeth into one.

You're a class walnut, Baino!

Carolina said...

Sorry, but I just have to LOL again. Reading the other comments... Roy?

Big smiles to you.

e said...

Sorry for your rotten luck, though this post did make me laugh! I guess you can tell from my most recent posting that face-to-face isn't much better these days...

Cheers and thanks for the chuckle.

Tom said...

i want to hear more about this silf like blonde with big boobs

VE said...

Ha...the joys of internet dating. Been there...done that. I did meet my wife online so I can say that it does work...although I too have more than enough blog material for several years with stories from that timeframe. Oh...and they really aren't calling them dildos now in the States...they call them "vibrations" and then can run TV commercials to sell them now.

Ropi said...

Well, I am quite sceptical about online dating and online staff in general. Online dating was a disaster for me. I guess I couldn't describe myself well or I am a bad person. I started ordering stuff online this year and so far so good but I am much more confident when I am in a shop. I am getting annoyed with facebook. It broke down in April and I had to make a new one. So yes, I wish I would be less connected to this but my university stuff is there, news are there so...

Janice said...

As for online dating...well, you never know...it certainly has worked for some people. Not for me, however. I haven't been brave enough to try it again, but luck to you. If nothing else, it gives you interesting blog material. This was a fun read.

River said...

Online dating?
No thank you.
I'm not looking for anyone, but if I was, it wouldn't be through online dating.

Mim said...

when I get disgusted with DH - I remember this and suck it up. nothings perfect but at least he takes out the garbage.

Mme. Rogers said...

You got me laughing and shaking my head. Don't despair, there are decent fish in the sea, but I'm not sure you'll find them on dating sites. Good luck!
Yukonchatterbug

Colette Amelia said...

oh my that was fun! Did you know that in the Province of Newfoundland there is a town named Dildo?

Maybe that is where you should look for a man...apparently they have the most sex of all Canadians!

And they play a pretty good reel too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6TukZyXcAY

Pam said...

Husband has eaten the last chocolate biscuit, polished off the remaining boccancini, and taken over the remote for the cycling - be careful what you wish for.

Karen Sagovac said...

Sounds super scary! Reminds me of blind dates or being set up with someone by a well meaning friend. A friend just recently reminded me of a night we tried to climb out of the bathroom window on a double date (from hell) and unfortunately the window was locked. So have to say I'm with Pam on this one... the grass is always greener.

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Oh how I miss your regular posts! I am loving this one and KNOW there is the right one there someone! You would charm the socks right off 'em!

Robyn said...

Merry Christmas Helen

Big love to you and all the best wishes for the coming year x Robyn

Gledwood said...

I've got to be dead quick as termination is round the corner but have a very merry Xmas and a fantastic 2012! !!!

Siobhan said...

Haha oh my goodness gracious

Jay said...

Hahahahaha!!! So funny!

I had a few doozies, just trying to find conversation partners for learning Italian (by the way, many of them - male and female - do seem to have a habit of saying 'I'm going to bed' and disappearing without further ado, so maybe it's a cultural thing in some countries?).

There was the Neapolitan coastguard who I found seriously freaky. He would be conversing quite sensibly one minute and then without changing tone or pace would throw in a 'you are a very attractive woman, did you know? You like to hear?' or 'I have a beautiful view, you should come to see'. Um ... no thanks, I think not.

Save your stamps for the worthy, my dear!

Sushil Silicon said...

I love the way you'll watch a sporting game with me even though you may not be interested in it.


alaska singles

laughingwolf said...

on our east coast, newfounland, to be precise, there is a town called dildo... no clue as to what they do there :P

happy new year, baino :D

oceangirl said...

Happy New Year Helen. It is 2012 where you are.

AngelMay said...

Happy New Year, Baino!

Vagabonde said...

My daughter did some internet dating and the guys were all too weird – an American-Italian guy who wanted to get married right away after his family of 15 said OK and such types. Yours was a fun post. I hope you had a great Christmas and I wish you the greatest coming year.