Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Not In Front of the Children

Another Carnival Wednesday:

Many of my friends are teachers and all lament the reporting period. As the Easter Break draws near, it’s parent and teacher meeting time, and the first term reporting season . Thanks to political correctness there are quite a few things that teachers dare not express in front of the children, or their parents for that matter. Common phrases include:

Is learning to share and listen.

Is becoming more dependable during work periods.

Is developing a better attitude

Is showing interest and enthusiasm for the things we do.

Is learning to occupy his time constructively.

Wants responsibilities and follows through.

Can be very helpful and dependable in the classroom.

Has strong verbal skills

Is an avid contributor to discussion

Has great potential.

Working to full capability.

Is learning to be a better listener. . . .

Okay okay. . . you’ve all heard them . know that what your kids’ teacher really wanted to say – but not in front of the children:

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Your child has delusions of adequacy.
Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Your child sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This child has been working with glue too much.
When your child’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Anonymous said...

I got, 'He's like a winning racehorse that stopped running just before the post' in reference to my lack of interest just before my Leaving Cert exams.

ian said...

I remember 'Could do better' appearing frequently.

nick said...

Hilarious! I suspect Jenny would recognise some of those private comments, given her own experience of certain students! I presume "Strong verbal skills" means "swears every other word" while "Has great potential" means " end up in court"

laughingwolf said...

bloody funny, baino... also too true! :(

Susan said...

What a laugh this morning, thank you!

Sooo many times I've read my children's reports, and wondered what the teachers would really like to say instead... the comments are always a study in careful euphemism.

Thanks for cheering up a Wednesday!

Ces said...

I read the post but I am distracted: I know you did not make the poster otherwise you would have spelled obedience as such and not incorrectly as displayed. Don't the graphic artists use spellcheck?

hokgardner said...

I think I'll be forwarding this to my teacher friends.

Christopher said...

I have to say "If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week" bothered me...but only because I've had houseplants that were actually smarter than some people.

Miles McClagan said...

Dad isn't allowed to write that kids are lazy anymore on his report he's going to write sleepy...stick it to the man you crazy Scottish old person!

Ropi said...

Ferdinand V Diet around 1875. As I mentioned the anecdote happened in 1866 and usually people are deposed alive.

Megan said...

Funny stuff, B. I am sending to my teacher friends!

Anonymous said...

Oh, brilliantly funny! I'm going to show this to my next-door neighbour who is a primary school teacher. I do not think that parents evening is her favourite occasion...

Baino said...

Yeh a few of these apply to my school days too!

ian Clare's never getting 'could do better' cost me a fortune in a trip to Disneyland . . I didn't think she'd do it!

She's probably got a few up her sleeve already Nick.

Well borrowed but funny Wuffa

Our teachers have a dictionary of guidelines to use Susan, they don't even have to use their own words!

Haha . . trust you Ces, no I didn't make the poster ... thank goodness for Lolcats.

Hok, Megan and Cinnamon . . they've prolly heard them all before. I stole them of course.

Christopher, I don't keep houseplants for that very reason.They might end up smarter than me!

Miley . .your Dad's a risk taker alright.

Ropi . .erm I know what you mean even if your comment seems a little cryptic. Sorry, I was skimming.

Kath Lockett said...

My father was a high school chemistry teacher for nearly thirty years, and once he wrote, "Darryl is sometimes punctual" as the ONLY positive thing he could honestly attribute to the annoying little bastard.

Mine tended to say, "Is very talkative"

kj said...


Anonymous said...

Hi Baino! "His wheel is turning but the hampster's dead" LOL never heard that one! This was a good pick-me-up, after work. Thanks!

River said...

I often had:- could do better, hasn't returned homework, daydreams, needs to apply herself etc. I always passed exams with a good grade, just couldn't be bothered doing the work through term time. Never did get that "good study habit". I found primary school boring, high school I didn't bother trying too hard as I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to continue past age 15.

Quickroute said...

LOL - unfortunately much of that feedback applied to myself

Baino said...

You know Kath, I haven't kept a single school report so I can't remember what mine said. Nothing remarkable I suspect.

You're welcome Subby, you sound a little down in the dumps over the past few days. I know the feeling.

River, do start a blog. You have stories to tell . . you knew you were going to leave at 15?

Didn't do you any harm by the sound of it Quickie - how's Honkers or are you somewhere else? You're harder to track down than Where's Wally

mouse (aka kimy) said...

what a riot!

Gledwood said...

They were selling battery operated "personal massagers" on our highstreet for 99p each.
O Boy! I've never seen anything fly off the shelves of our local pound shop so quickly!

Gledwood said...

I don't know what put me on to that subject... o yeah:~ "toys" hahaha ;->...

Melanie said...

"He would argue with a signpost."

oh yes, that was me and what my teachers will remember me for. Glad Im all growed up now eh

Jay said...

I would love to quote my favourites, but there are just too many of them!

I'll content myself with one of the later ones: 'one neuron short of a synapse', which is a polite way of saying 'brain dead'. LOL!

RyanIAm said...

as NWS as your first pic is, i love it

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