The Quintessential Australian

I adapted this from a comment I received last Australia day and added a few of my own touches. I have no idea who wrote it but it is true.

When I think of a 'typical Aussie' I get an image of a bronzed man or woman, who have Milo and Weet-Bix for breakfast, Vegemite for lunch, and a BBQ and beer for dinner. Tim-Tams are the national snack, beating the Poms or Kiwis at anything, the national sport . It's getting in there and having a go. It's calling your best mate a total bastard or a silly bugger, and your worst enemy a bit of a bastard. It's the Hills Hoist, the Holden Ute, coldies in an Esky


Gum Trees and Simpson washing machines. It's dusty kids with big smiles. It's verandahss large as the rest of the house and fly screen doors that always slam. It's lizards in the loungeroom and dead flies on the sill and that whining drone of mosquitoes just as you're about to nod off to sleep.

It's Victa mowers cutting foot long grass that was only mowed two weeks ago. It's having a laugh with your mates. It's cocky's joy and sheep stations the size of European countries. It's being girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. It's about being so lustful for international recognition we celebrate winning against the poms in Darts. It's about a highway which circumnavigates the country and kills more people each year than die by murder. It's taking a criminal and making him a hero. It's "no worries mate", "she'll be right mate", and "Waltzing Matilda" all rolled into one. It's shielas, blokes, wankers, boguns, pooftas, dancing queens, wowzers, Jumbucks, Jackaroos, Jillaroos, Walleroos, Potaroos, Kangaroos, Koalas and an animal that is so strange that when it was first discovered, people thought it was a joke.


It's the population of New York occupying a country the size of Europe. It's about standing by your mate, no matter what stupid thing he's done now. It's about a tennis star who is called a brat with one breath, and a bloody legend the next. It's about flying over the centerpiece of our nation on the way to Bali or Thailand. It's Melbourne and Sydney competing with each other as to who is the best city in the country, while the rest of us know they're both rubbish. It's our distrust of politicians and moral elitists. It's having the world record for the single largest mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

It's women in unfeasably small gold bikinis putting coins into your parking meter while you're off getting pissed.

It's immigrants from the 50's saying they don't want any more immigrants. It's making a feature film about a bunch of traveling queers and calling it a national triumph. It's taking our greatest military defeat and turning it into the birth of a nation, while simultaneously ignoring Black Sunday against the Germans.

It's footy in the office, betting on the Finals, supporting your local team (even if half of them come from Melbourne) and code wars in the Pub. It's massive bronzed Aussie blokes with arms like powerpoles meeting you at Customs with a smile and a G'Day. It's calling out to the man on the boundry for thirty minutes to turn and wave, and when he does, give a cheer and start all over again. It's having 9 of the 10 most deadly land animals on the face of the planet in our backyards. It's surf lifesavers who are the envy of the world.

It's meat pies with sauce, calling French Fries chips, and buying wine by the cask. It's hating the French, beating the English, and laughing at the Americans, who think 'World Series' means only two countries are allowed to participate. It's playing a code of football so tough and without padding, overseas visitors think we're mad.


It's about arguing whether it's Cabanossi or Kabana. It's the Blue Heeler, the Kelpie, and the Tuckerbox. It's making cars so good that we export them to every Continent except Antarctica.

It's inventing a sporting catch-cry in three seconds, while other teams supporters plan for months. It's chasing fish poachers halfway around the world just so we can confiscate their boat and sell their catch. It's cricket in the backyard, over-and-out, batter fetches, one-hand-one-bounce, electric wickets, and tipsy-runs. It's having some of the brightest coloured birds in the world, that you can't see in the trees no matter how hard you look.

It's the incessant cheep of miner birds and Magpies calling in the morning, Crows cawing in the afternoon, and Possums climbing in your window after dark.

It's about calling sports people heroes and heroes tall poppies. It's getting a Kiddy Pool and suddenly finding your children have a lot of new friends. It's wearing thongs on your feet, not up your arse. It's walking into the shopping center bare-chested for the guys and shorts and bikini top for the girls, and no one gives you a second glance. It's budgie-smugglers on the beach, and tackle out at home. It's Hoop Snakes and Drop Bears.

It's calling our fellow Australians poms, wogs, spicks, septic tanks, chinks and boongs and adding the word 'mate' which seems to temper the blow of any insult and rarely causes offense. It's living here for 40 years and still referring to your country of origin as 'home' when you're here but Australia as 'home' when you 'go back' for a holiday. It's having a halal butcher next to a kosher bakery, a vietnamese restaurant across the road from an Italian Trattoria.

It's leaning over the fence to have a yarn with the neighbours. It's knowing your great, great, grandad was a murdering bastard that no other civilisation on earth actually wanted. It's not knowing for sure what half the words to the National Anthem are, but still singing what they might be with pride. And it's a sports flag and team colours which have nothing to do with the national flag.

It's Christmas in the sunshine and Christmas again in July

Recent research by the University of Queensland found that the quintessential aspects of being Australian included: Citizenship, care for the environment, tolerance, humour and a friendly, optimistic demeanour. Still, democracy, education and cultural diversity were rated among the top ten aspects of being Australian--ahead of other aspects such as sport, outdoor lifestyle activities and drinking beer.

So there you have it. . . frankly, when all else fails . . .when disaster strikes, personal problems overwhelm, finances are tight and life closes in . . .the sun shines . . the miner birds chirp incessantly and you're reminded that you actually do live on one of the greatest islands on earth . . .but that's our secret and we're quite happy that the rest of the world barely knows we exist.

Happy Australia Day . . .