Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Fuckwits

Friday again and not before time. The new job is hectic and I haven't actually had a proper handover. She who is supposed to be teaching me the ropes was sick Monday, gave me an hour on Wed and Thursday and is now off until next Wednesday. Talk about a baptism of fire!

So . . today's Friday Fuckwits are left-handed men . . but only those who have trouble getting their willies out to have a slash and apparently take 3 seconds longer than right handed men thanks to the slit in their under chunders opening to the right. Really guys. I mean you don't have to struggle with panty hose and the Bridget Joneses or hoicking your skirt up to your waist before wiping the drips of the previous slasher who refused to lift the toilet seat - all whilst your bladder is the size of a hot air balloon and screaming to release it's contents!

The new range, by UK-based Hom men's nicky noos, will have a horizontal opening instead of a vertical slit accessed from the right-hand side, breaking a tradition that has lasted for 75 years.

"In our view, this is a vital step toward equality for left-handed men," said Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store. Haha . . .don't talk to me about equality you willie wankers.

Almost 10 percent of British men are believed to be left handed but men's Y-fronted underpants have traditionally had a right-handed opening from the time they were invented in 1935.

"As a result," Debenhams said, "left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z shaped maneuver through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right handed men perform with ease." OMG . . .Z shaped . . the mind boggles!

Previously, it added, boxer shorts, with an adaptable, ambidextrous opening in the middle, have been the underpants of choice for left handed men.

The new pants mean that left handed men can finally go to the bathroom as quickly and efficiently as their right-handed colleagues, the store said. Somehow, 'quickly and efficiently' hasn't been my experience. Especially when they don't lift the seat!

"Switching the opening from vertical to horizontal may sound like a small step, but it's the major breakthrough that many have been waiting for," added Faucherand. The chunders will retail for a whopping 22 pounds! Crikey, they'd want to get the schlong out of the pocket for you at that price!

LONDON (Reuters) - A British store is launching a range of underpants for left-handed men, an innovation it says will save them both time and embarrassment in front of the porcelain.

Actually a horizontal slit in your shorts sounds a bit uncomfortable when reaching for your wedding tackle but I wouldn't know much about these things.

Fwoaaar! Nice pecks!

And before you get on your left-hoofed high horses, I'm a cacky hander and constantly have to turn my ironing board round the 'wrong' way, lay tables back to front, and struggle with right handed scissors and boy could I do with a left-handed hammer. (What do you mean there's no such thing as a left-handed hammer?)

Have a fabfuckinabulous weekend folks. I'm spending it removing red dust from outside surfaces and washing it off my windows. I should bottle it and sell it as 'natural blush'.

52 comments:

conortje said...

Well I never would have thought... but thanks for the photo - certainly warmed up my Friday morning :-)

subtorp77 said...

For 22 bloomin' quid they'd better have a....um never you mind-LOL! And as a lefty, I've no problem ( of course when one wears sweat-pants, it's a whole diffenrt approach ). And I leave the bloody seat up, at least 'til I'm done, wot?

Grow Up said...

This equality business is really getting a bit ridiculous. Oh, wait, that has nothing to do with it, it's marketing again, silly me.

Kate said...

Brilliant! And as a lefty myself I vote for left handed jar and bottle tops (particularly bottle tops!) - and the hammer (I can go with that!)..it ain't easy for us ladies either!

Kath Lockett said...

Hooley dooley. If only those brilliant marketing minds could be put to work on less imnportant issues like, oh, a cure for cancer!

SJ said...

never knew there're left/right-handed tools. like the part bout the red dusty=natural blush.

From me to you, suejean =)

Pam said...

Who knew! Oh and by the way, still fanning myself from the fwoarr nice pecks photo. Forget the toilet being flushed, it's my face!! I don't care if he DOES leave the toilet seat up!

Susan at Stony River said...

OMG.
Well, that's a surer sign of an impending Christmas than all those chocolate boxes I saw for sale at the supermarket yesterday. Every left-handed man's wife, sister and mother in the nation now has her shopping list sorted. Unbelievable.

I'm with Kath on this one... why can't we use our collective genius in the pursuit of *good*?

Sarah Lulu said...

Nice photo ...whether he was left or right handed doesn't seem to matter much! fffwwwwaarrrrrrrrr

Mim said...

Photo is lovely eye candy and a great way to start a friday. Unfortunatly, I'm going to be looking at all the left handed guys at work today and timing their bathroom breaks. Yuck, oh yuck

Baino said...

Hey welcome back Oirsh. Had a good holly?

I know, bloody expensive undies . you'd want them to make a cup of tea in the morning for that price!

Oh Grow Up. . . you need to lighten up! I can't imagine a 'real' man bothering to buy them frankly

Haha . . I'm with you Kate . .we lefties have a tough life (not!)

Plugger . damn right it's like the Ig Nobel awards . . still there's a sucker born everyu minute!

Thanks SJ well isn't 'mineral' make-up all the rage at the moment?

Hey Pam, cats can look at kings . .no harm in a perv! Although for women my age it does bring on the hot flushes! Yeh, I'd wash his dirty socks anytime!

Christmas? What? It's coming? Well fuck me to Friday . . better get a wiggle on! Because my sweet girl, there's more money in underwear!

I agree SL, I don't really want to know which hand he holds it with!

Leah said...

You had me laughing out loud before sunrise, no small feat.

And I got to catch up on your last entries. The red dust photies are unbelievable!

nick said...

A total marketing con, if you ask me, since your bog-standard men's mini-briefs sans opening are surely convenient for both left and right handers. I never got on with openings, I gave up Y Fronts after I left school.

Anyway, as you say, men's toilet dilemmas are as nothing compared with all the clothing and tampon palaver women have to cope with. Talk about a self-indulgent male non-problem!

K8 the Gr8 said...

Lefties live longer on average apparently. Maybe that's as a result of storing pee too long and re-absorbing the nutrients! Hmmm..

Gledwood said...

I once pissed myself in primary school because I was wearing dungarees ...

Don't Bug Me! said...

My granddad always used to call me cack-handed, but the reality is that we lefties are more intelligent, more creative and more versatile, since we have to learn to use our right hand as well as our left in this right-handed world. Go lefties! As for 22 quid whitey tighties, well, that is plainly ridiculous.

Tom said...

lefties, turn your underwear inside out...i don't know if this will solve the problem, but it will keep the engineers busy, at least. Or switch to boxers, like a civilized man.

Michael Rawluk said...

I am glad I am right handed. It makes life so much easier.

ps. I lift the seat.

Alan Burnett said...

As always, a wonderful start to the weekend.
Have a good one - red dust and all.

unstranger said...

Funny stuff Baino! Never heard of cack-handed before but if there are guys that can't get to their willys fairly promptly they must be total plonkers or pervs, it's a sad day for manhood. I mean what has left or right got to do with it? If willy needs wanking or dunking willy gets it; regardless! Surely.

Brian Miller said...

you know, glad i am right handed. what all that hard work and funky maneuvers...i'd never get anything done. lol. have a great weekend baino!

subtorp77 said...

@Tom, boxers? HA! I'd rather go commando!

Megan said...

Whoops! I just realized I've had this comment box open on my desktop for about 20 minutes...you can blame the photo?

;)

nick said...

I take issue with Tom as well. Boxers? Thoroughly uncomfortable, simply unsuited to the male anatomy. You might as well wear French knickers.

Bimbimbie said...

Bet there's not time difference between L & R when there's an offer of horizontal dancing.

Must be the same marketing heads who came up with the latest condom that apparently is 1cm wider and a fraction longer. More expensive of course because the word bigger on the packaging is pleasing to some egos ;)

Save your water and time with cleaning the dust, looks like we may get another dust storm coming through this weekend*!*

e said...

I'm a leftie who thinks 22 quid for tidy whities is just one more example of consumerism gone amok...LOL!

Baino said...

I know Leah, I do the same, check blogs early in the morning and some area real eye openers! Literally!

Oh Nick you're so in trouch with your femine side!

K8! Your mind works in mysterious ways

Awww poor Gleds . . dem buttons iz hard!

Haha DBM "whitey tighties" ! Yeh well . . I think pulling the 'member' up and over would be worse than the Z manouvre

Quite so Tom. I have no respect for the wearer of Y fronts!

Well done Michael! Not hard now is it?

Thanks Alan . . yes another dust cloud has moved in over night. Eerie light but not as bad as Wednesday. Still it gets in the house!

Haha . . .I guess so Unstranger!

Thanks Brian . . we have dustage again this morning. Not as bad as Wednesday but definitely sepia

Subby far too much information.

Hot bod eh Megs?

Nick! We're a boxer house here actually but the tight fitting jobbies. Not me of course!

Quite so Bimbimbie! Then no need for underwear at all in that case! Yeh, the dust has rolled in overnight but it's nowhere near as bad as Wednesday. I'll be able to tell in an hour or so when I look at my floors! And there I was thinking I wouldn't have to clean again this weekend!

otin said...

left handed, right handed, I can do it either way! The end result is the same!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!

Cinnamon said...

Hilarious Baino- and you taught me another new word- 'schlong'!

As for the red dust...how about 'mineral foundation'?

Baino said...

Otin that would make you ambidickstrous!

Oh I've got a head full of them Cinnamon. Mineral foundation . . definitely although it's a bit orange!

Jill said...

OH my! Why am I laughing so hard over the word UNDER CHUNDERS? New to me and I just love it...think I will adapt it into my daily chat stew as it entertains me so much!

Enjoy all that red dust removal...AND, take a moment to relax too, yes??

kj said...

WHERE did you come up with this tid-bit?! i have such a graphically vivid picture in my mind now i'll be looking for left handed men for the next week.

and how many times did you say 'fuck' in this post? it counts if it's part of another word.

but 'ambidickstrous' is the best of all today. you are a wild hoot, honey hells! HAHAHAHA!

Megan said...

Ambidickstrous. Oh my god I almost fell out my chair. There are tears running down my face, I'm laughing so hard!

Ronda Laveen said...

Ambidickstrous? Megan, that is absolutely hilarious.

Baino, the "Z' shaped Peni move gives an entirely new meaning to Zorro!

nick said...

Ambidickstrous, brilliant! Now all we need is a campaign to get the word officially recognised by the Oxford English Dictionary.

River said...

My dad was lefthanded, for all the years I can remember he wore Bonds S'port Briefs. They were white, with a horizontal opening. I remember helping mum hang the weekly washing from when I was about 4 or 5, that's over 50 years ago, so a horizontal opening is not a new invention. My first husband was/is left handed as are two of his brothers (and a sister), they all wore jockeys/hipsters with no openings, just pulled the gear out of the top and shoved it back after the traditional three shakes. (any more than three and you're playing with it....)

River said...

P.S. Not really a pull it up and out manouvre as much as a drop the jocks front and aim it.

i beati said...

hard to get any work done now sandy

Ropi said...

You know you can really learn from your mistakes although it is not really good for your company.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Truly, I am not very happy at men's knickers being called nicky noos... I hereby lodge an official objection! Bah and humbug!
;-)
Good luck with the remains of the dust!
PS I took note of your comment about my spending too much time on FB and instead produced another blog post. Now give me chocolate!

laughingwolf said...

these bozos never hear of 'commando'? :P lol

'sides, boxers have a vertical slit!

...word verif: deracist

Melissa said...

As a left-handed friend of mine says, "Everyone is born right-handed ... only the gifted overcome it." :D

Baino said...

Well I aim to please Jill, if you get a giggle out of it, my task is complete!

See, I knew that American news ignored what's going on in the world kj. It's all over the papers! It's Friday, I'm allowed to be profane on Fridays.

Meg just occasionally, I have a stroke of genius. Then it goes away and I'm like everybody else!

OH Ronda . . new Zorro porno script being written as we speak!

Bugger the Oxford Nick, it's going straight to the Macquarie!

River I think that might be just a little too much information but . .I am now enlightened.

Sandy it's Sunday! Relax

If I have learned from my mistakes Ropi, I must be a very smart woman!

Aww AV don't be like that!; I'll stick with chunders then. It's still blowing a gale here and my sister in law in the mountains said they had a dusting of snow last night!
OK choccies on the way.

I'd be interested to see if anyone buys them at that price Wuffa!

Now that's a saying I should hang onto Melissa! Actually I'm a bit of both. Most things I do right handed except writing, ironing and a few others. Have a great weekend!

Ces said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am serious. These men - get a life! Left handed pants. HAHAHA!

Aaahhh. Okay I forgot about the left handed pants. The man is gorgeous. I wonder if he is gay? HAHAHA!

Baino said...

Well I think young Conortje's hoping so!

kj said...

you are so bad. i'm thinking of penises because of you. left handed penises even. as if there is such a thing.

are female organs next? perhaps a fold up straw of some kind to save midnight trips to the bathroom? or a two breasted floatation device?

WHAT am i saying? see what you do to me, baino? shame on you. really, shame on you.

i'm leaving now. i have to shake the penis image. it's not my
thing-y, you know...

(sending a tsup! to you this weekend anyway)

Quickroute said...

Weird - I play golf with irons right handed but use the putter left handed - I'm a confused soul!

Rowe said...

Why is the person who is supposed to be teaching you the ropes always sick whenever you start a new job. I'm sure you are doing a fine job anyhow, Ms Baino. Thanks for the peep show, a rather nice specimen of the species.

jay said...

Hahahahaha! Yep, pure marketing, I'm afraid. Nothing philanthropic there, I'd say. ROFL!!

I have a left handed son, but excuse me if I don't ask him about his porcelain habits. I can tell you he doesn't dribble on the seat though. ;)

Taffy's Mum said...

I too am a lefty but some things I have learnt to do right handed!

In response to K8, have you heard of the ShePee? It was developed by a woman sick of sitting on dirty toilet seats so developed something to allow women to stand up and go!

Baino said...

kj wash your mouth out! See Taffy's Mum's comment! Been there done that so that women can go to the men's loo without having to queue! Hahaha

Sounds like me Quickie . . all mixed up

Rowe, I don't know but poor thing didn't even get interviewed for the job and she's been doing it for 18 months so I feel for her. It's OK I'm learning the hard way but I'm learning. It's not rocket science fortunately.

True that Jay .. nah mine doesn't pee on the seat either . . that's what comes of being raised in the oestrogen zone! All women here!

Hey Taffy's mum. . how's things? Don't go giving kj ideas now!

Annie Ha said...

I have a left-handed kitchen. You can come cook for my any time!