Friday, February 04, 2011

Friday Fuckwit and the Botty Burp

Apparently the average person breaks wind 20-40 times a day. (Not me of course, only sun shines out of my ass).  It's a fact of life, we all succumb to botty burps, squeezing the cheese, passing wind, indulging in a little morning thunder, stepping on a toad, cutting loose, pooting, pumping, trumping, parping and biffing. Of course there is etiquette to be observed and after witnessing my second webcam indiscretion this week (he could do with paying a little attention to the rules), apparently these are they:

Gentlemen should accept blame when in the presence of a lady who accidentally let's one rip. Although it's also appropriate to blame the dog

You can also pass a disapproving glance toward some innocent and silently accuse them of the misdemeanour

Never admit to smelling it first. The old adage 'dogs smell their own dirt first' is true.

Never fart in a lift

Never pull anyone's finger if asked 

If caught, turn the wrongdoing into a point of price. Declare it a necessary act, note that you're feeling 'much better' now, apologise and move on.

Hope to God you don't have to emigrate to Malawi:

Mail Onine
Last updated at 10:36 AM on 28th January 2011


The government of Malawi, led by Dr Bingu wa Mutharika, are planning to outlaw breaking wind.  The plan is to punish persistent offenders 'who foul the air' in a bid to 'mould responsible and disciplined citizens.'  But locals fear that pinning responsibility on the crime will be difficult - and may lead to miscarriages of justice as 'criminals' attempt to blame others for their offence.
One Malawian told the website Africanews.com: 'My goodness. What happens in a public place where a group is gathered. Do they lock up half a minibus? And how about at meetings where it is difficult to pinpoint 'culprits'? Children will openly deny having passed bad air and point at an elder. Culturally, this is very embarrassing,' she said.

Another said: 'We have serious issues affecting Malawians today. I do not know how fouling the air should take priority over regulating Chinese investments which do not employ locals, serious graft amongst legislators, especially those in the ruling party, and many more.'

The crime will be enforceable in a new 'Local Court' system which will also have powers to punish a range of other crimes in the bill set to be debated in the country's parliament. These include insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging to fight a duel, and trespassing on a burial place. It also outlaws pretending to be a fortune teller
Well I never! Better not let Adam holiday there, I'll never see him again.

Have a wonderful weekend, this one couldn't come fast enough for me. The weather's stinkin' but it's easier to deal with when you're in a pool.

24 comments:

Tom said...

what in the hell is a Malawian? Sounds like confectionary come to life. i don't fart either-it's the monkeys living in there that do

i beati said...

amazing stuff soon everything we do will be controlled somewhere. Certainly is getting bad here.gov wants to control everything with this pres.

Brian Miller said...

against the law to toot...bet those are some really grupy stopped us people...

Bimbimbie said...

I believe around here it's only the possums that exhale through their bottoms ... under the cover of darkness nacht ;)

What happened to your youtube link? - seems to have attempted some cutting loose of it's own whilst you weren't looking *!*

Grannymar said...

Soon we will need a licence to breathe!

Roy said...

Hmmmm... Well, if they're going to outlaw farting they'd better outlaw beans, too.

Love the Monty Python clip!

Janice said...

Yes, always blame the dog! And stay away from Malawi...

Kathy G said...

I don't think I've ever seen as many euphemisms for "breaking wind" in one place :-)

What about "farting" though? Is that just an American word?

Jay said...

I'd like to know what you're supposed to do as a Malawian with wind .. and I'd also like to remind the officials responsible for the proposed legislation that when in glass houses one shouldn't throw stones, because you can bet your bottom dollar* that they fart too. Perhaps they'll have to lock themselves up.

*Sorry, couldn't resist, mate. ;)

blackwatertown said...

Best approach is to blame it on Bingu - or maybe even call it that in future...
Oops, my Bingu...
WHo Bingued back there?! It's deadly...

PattiKen said...

Very funny, Baino. The rule about the lift reminded me of a very funny scene in a Pink Panther movie.

Kath Lockett said...

Malawians had better outlaw jogging and karate then too - during both of those pursuits I'm louder than a road train!
(or was that oversharing?)

Mim said...

I like it when it really IS the dog and they turn around and look at their rear end with a surprised look. Priceless

Nick said...

I gather there's a heated dispute in Malawi over whether the new law actually refers to farting or whether it only refers to environmental pollution. The wording as you indicate is rather vague. Some officials insist the law has nothing to do with farting and this is just a mischievous misreading.

If it is a law to ban farting, I'd like to see them try to enforce it. It'd be as useless as anti-littering laws.

nick said...

Oops, left out my url.

Ocean Girl said...

I didn't do it.

Carolina said...

ROFL

Actually, in our house it IS ALWAYS the dog who's to blame. Honestly. Biggles is a master farter. You don't hear them, but the smell is more than horrible. Holle's you can hear, but not smell. Phoebe is like you and me; a lady who doesn't fart ;-) We do burp however. Phoebe and I, that is. I don't know about you.

So, Malawi eh? What's on the menu in Malawi? Beans?

Darlene said...

I am happy to find that there are a few politicians more stupid than ours.

Liza Ursu said...

have you ever woken yourself up with a fart?
outlawing the fart? I can't help but think of the phrase
"put a cork in it"
one of my dogs farts rather human-like, and scares herself when she does!
funny shit.

Candie Bracci said...

HAHAHA you cracked me up with that one!Only sushine comes out of my ass too!LOL

Betsy said...

stepping on a toad...now that's a new one to me! haha.

River said...

I've read somewhere that if the body has enough calcium you don't fart as much, or as loudly, just a silent escape of air that no-one notices.

laughingwolf said...

stupid bastards, it's a normal, bodily function, not always controllable, even if one wanted to! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

unstranger said...

Malawi, now that's definitely a way of getting noticed. I wonder if it isn't some half-arsed plan to attract tourists!