Sunday, December 05, 2010

It Aint a Good Party Unless You End Up In the Gutter

I'm not proud of it but Christmas parties with free booze tend to bring out the worst in an employee. Our little band of accountants spent four hours playing at Luna Park. A slightly bedraggled and 'seen better days' kind of fun park on possibly the next best real estate on the Harbour (the Giraffe enclosure at the zoo has the best). We were given a trivia sheet, free rides, drinks and ice cream then back to "The Deck" at dinner time for a rather lovely meal of confit of duck, rare sirloin etc. and copious amounts of alcohol.

I know my tolerance and stick to wine while others were doing shots, cocktails, wine, beer etc.  Clearly I have lost my knack. Felt fine at the restaurant and as everyone else was deciding where to 'kick on' for a night of clubbing.  I walked back towards Clare's place, less than half a click from Luna Park. She came to meet me halfway, knowing that I'd be maggotted.

Well, with every step I felt like I'd hit a wall and by the time I met up with her I was a staggering fucktard, rabbiting on about how I was fine and only drank wine. Oh yes I was fine alright. Stumbled into a car then walked up a slight incline, found it a little trixy and  for some reason turned around, lost my footing and smashed clear into the pavement.  No worries thinks I. Start to rub myself down, brush off the embarrasment and pick myself up and the kid has a conniption. "Don't move mum you're bleeding! Everywhere" of course I can't feel it or see it but apparently I have gashed a nice slice out of my eyebrow and there's blood gushing everywhere. So, instructed to sit, I wait for the flatmate to arrive with mopper-upper towels. All good until she who worries as much as me calls an ambulance. Turns out she's had a couple of beers, literally two or three and can't risk driving.

So picture this. Mature woman sitting in the street bleeding profusely from one eyebrow and rabbiting on about being fine. Meeting the new flatmate for the first time. Oh yes that must have made an impression and an ambulance with a rather hot ambo trying to pick me up and shut me up while he tends to the wound. Yep, needs stitches. I'm feeling no pain at this point.

10 minutes later after flirting outrageously with said ambo and apologising profusely for wasting their time, I'm on a gurney and being asked questions I can't answer. "How old are you?", "Where do you live?" yep, mildly concussed, rather embarrassingly drunker than I'd thought and dripping blood all over their nice clean sheets.

So stitched up and tetanus shot I'm ready to go home but nurse Ratchet wants me to stay in for 'observation' in case I have a brain injury but no. Fuckwit here is hot to trot and wants to go. Dutiful daughter is trying to insist I stay but instead I'm bantering on about Indian Code Talkers, an attempt to show her that I'm lucid which convinces her I'm completely traumatised.

I won of course and a taxi was hailed. Back to the flat, glass of water and a concussive crash for 10 hours. The result of which is a nicely mashed left side of my face, bruised knee, five stitches in my eyebrow and a puffy face.

Yep, I win. . . Fuckwit of the year I think. Just as well the year is nearly over. Now what the fuck do I tell them at work. Ah got it. . fell down the steps whilst helping load a book case into the new digs. That'll work won't it?

The worst of it? My sweet princess turned 26 yesterday and I wasn't at her party. Half out of embarrassment at having to explain my black eye and white patch and partly because I can't see without seeing double.

Ashamed doesn't cut it. I am a fuckwit.

Apologies if there are typos here. I can't see properly.

The Big Face, kinda scary really
My Team The Lunies relied on Google
Being the newbie, nobody warned me that team colours were mandatory

Colourful chaacters. The guy in the red jacket has worked here since he was 11 years old

This guy was no help with answering our trivia questions
Awesome views of the harbour
Again my team slacking off, We came second in the end.
Of course some cheated and headed straight for the books

I just loved the reflection of the Opera house in the glass

Yummy Duck with Onion Jam

Cowboys - of which I had only ONE

No idea what these were but they were popular. That's my boss plying his staff with shots!

 Be warned, it aint pretty:
Yep, that's what a total Fuckwit looks like.


PattiKen said...

Ouch. Poor you. It sounds like you at least had fun.

laughingwolf said...

unless the pic is reversed, you're banged up on the RIGHT side!

nothing more to add... you know the score....

JeffScape said...

Holy fuck. That looks worse as a still image.

And I wanna be on Team SMAQ.

Roy said...

OUCH! Now that all the anesthetic has worn off, that's gotta hurt! Here, have some ice.

Jefferson Davis said...

Jaysus Baino!!! That's bad, alright. Keep it on the rocks and rest! :)

Brian Miller said...

oh dang...that looks like it hurt like hell...

Susan at Stony River said...

Only you could make falling down sound like having a ball!

That bruise is a bit spectacular, but it sounds like a wonderful day beforehand, at least (love the photos!) Happy Birthday to Herself -- and I hope you're feeling and looking better every minute.

And yes, the Big Face is scary as sh*t if you ask me -- my kids would never get past it.

Kath Lockett said...

Oh Baino! The only fucktard in this story is the pavement, not you!

You can still manage a post and some nice photos before scaring the shit out of us all at the end!

Janice said...

I was chuckling at your fuckwit tale until I reached your picture at the end. Major ouch! Hope you heal quickly...

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh my God. I'm so impressed I'm almost speechless ..and I know I shouldn't be laughing but Oh dear I am!

I haven't done anything remotely as crazy as that for ohhh more than a decade.

You're my new idol.

Take a bow ....acting crazy is a good thing beats the hell out of getting old and boring. GO GIRL!

Julie said...

Yeah, I find this pretty cool, too. Especially being out of your hole the next morning ... and functioning!

However, your daughter has a big one over you ...

nick said...

Ah, the Luna Park, we know it well. We twice had an apartment in Alfred Street. Sorry to hear the alcohol got you in its evil clutches. I hope you make a quick recovery.

Isabella Golightly said...

Your sliced-up eyebrow pisses all over my twisted-in-the-carpark ankle. Ouch.

Mim said...

you know what Hells? I think you've had a hell of a year and needed a good drunk night and the heck with the swollen eye! It's a strange badge of honor - you kinda look cute with it - I'd go with a story of coming to someones rescue.
Those "cowboys" looks awesome. I need a drunk night too

Tom said...

aw cool! a little white makeup and some more blood and drooling and you could totally get the zombie part in the next big movie!

sorry, you don't win the prize as the biggest fuckwit tho...i've been reading those posts for years now, and this little tumble only diservices yourself, so no worries!

Leah said...

Oooohh Baino! I am sympathetic. At least you have a battle story though, and I refuse to call you a fuck wit!

Anonymous said...

Auch, you behaved like a crazy teenager and you look like Rocky Balboa. I am not a great drinker but in that university camp I drank "a bit" too much vodka (everyone has Achilles heel) but my accident was that I tottered to a tree to "get rid of the waste liquids in my body" and well I don't think I should explain the rest.

hokgardner said...

Good heavens, you poor thing! I hope you mend quickly.

And that park looks a riot.

Grannymar said...

That looks painful, Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post Baino; funny too, had to laugh! Hope I don't emulate your success in getting that stocious this season!

Anonymous said...

That's really funny. Sorry, don't mean to belittle your pain, but it brought back memories of my first week in a new flat in Stoke-on-Trent in England.
I answered the advert in the local paper, another tenant let me in to wait for the landlord to come home from the cinema. I stumbled through the darkness into the kitchen, and because of the odd layout, couldn't find the light switch - so I was still sitting quietly in the dark when the very nice landlord called Neil came in. I stood up, said hello in my Belfast accent, and scared the shit out of him - he'd just been to see Patriot Games (Harrison Ford defeats mad Irish terrorists) at the cinema.
SO - we got past that, I moved in. Then the next night, coming home from work, my car was rammed by a van and written off. I was shaken up, in shock, and thanks to my accent I suspect, I found myself taken away by the police to the regional HQ. I'd already passed a breathalyser - hadn't been drinking the past two days anyway - and was fairly suggestible due to the shock. Thankfully they didn't get me to confess to anything outrageous other than my origins and after a few hours said I could go. So I rang nice Neil the landlord.
I explained that it was in one piece and could trudge home on foot, but if it wasn't a bother, a lift would be appreciated. No problem, was the answer.
So I waited. And waited. And eventually gave up and walked.
On the way, who did I meet but Neil and his other tenant, pushing his van. SO I ended up helping them push it off the road, which helped my aching body recuperate not at all.
Sheepishly Neil apologised for the delay. They'd been drinking heavily, and had taken the precaution of making and eating some toast before leaving the house - so as to counteract the effects of the alcohol. Hence the delay. OK - so he was driving drunk to collect me from the police HQ. He admitted he shouldn't really have done it - because he was already banned from driving anyway. And that the vehicle was legal either.
Thank God it broke down before it reached the police station.
Two thoughts on that story: 1. What an act of friendship. 2. Your episode doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Vagabonde said...

I just read all your posts since the beginning of November – I was really behind this time – traveling taking its toll. I enjoyed your post on Sculpture by the Sea – the beaches there are really spectacular.

So sorry about your injury. I hope you heal fast and that it was not a bad concussion – I had a sloppy one before I left work. I got up from the computer and somehow fell into the metal filing cabinet. Had a bad brain concussion and since then (4 years ago) I still have a nerve twitch (I feel it but you can’t see it) from my chin to my left ear. I am used to it though. The doctor said to stop it they would have to do open brain surgery… say what I said? I’ll keep the nerve twitch. Stay cool.

California Girl said...

OMG! You really did a number didn't you? That is SOME Christmas party to remember. I feel waaay better about my excessive alcohol intake now. I once fell down in the bedroom, while trying to untie a boot. Hit my head on the corner of a small but sharp table which cut my forehead but, luckily, it was under my bangs where I could cover it up. My husband would have flipped. He hates it when I drink too much.

Well, it sounds like a great party with wonderful food. What's in a Cowboy?

Jill said...

OH my! NO! WAY!
You really snockered yourself there. I hope it doesn't hurt too much, after the fact. I believe THIS STORY is worth telling at least another 1000 times!

The fortune teller/trivia dude machine is downright nightmarish to look at... S-C-A-R-Y!

Bimbimbie said...

Yikes your younglings aren't going to let you forget this in a hurry. Tsup*!*

Don't Bug Me! said...

Oh well done Baino! For some reason I can't quite explain, I am proud of you! If an 18 year old does this, I shake my head and start the lecture about the youth of today, but somehow when you do it it is no longer an idiotic stupid thing to do. Somehow it is almost admirable - perhaps not quite, but almost. Perhaps it is because it is something that I would never do? Not because I am some goody two shoes or anything, but rather because I lead a rather dull and boring life. The last time I got drunk I was 21, I fell asleep on the train home and ended up in Leighton Buzzard.......

steph said...

OUCH! Baino

That's a very good impression of my mug shots post-surgery... LOL

Sounds like a good party though... even if it's cost you your pride.

Gravity being what it is... the bruising will probably move south over the next few days.

Now, I'm going to try to make you smile again by singing this little ditty...

"Thank heaven for little girls (Clare)
for little girls get bigger every day!

Thank heaven for little girls
they grow up in the most delightful way!

Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin'

Thank heaven for little girls
thank heaven for them all,
no matter where no matter who
for without them, what would little boys do?

Thank heaven... thank heaven...
Thank heaven for little girls!"


Anonymous said...

OMG Helen!Poor you!I knew what happened cos you told on Facebook but didn't see the post!Take care of yourself.Hugs

River said...

You certainly know how to have a fun filled day, don't you?

Your face looks a little painful but I'm glad no bones were broken.

I'm guessing you'll remember this Christmas party for a long long time.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

HI! I have done that one. Maddest thing was I was sober. But a certain person was at the other end of a mobile phone, I had money, they were there, I ran slap bang into a lamppost in the excitement to flush that cash down the toilet. He thought it hilariously funny when I got bleeding into the car.
BTW I know you're not meant to say "given up" and it's "just for today" but I'm not finding it hard taking it one day at a time that-wise.
Nearly went or did go totally off my head especially at the weekend. On nothing.
Sorry I cannot face bashing open my email account. Typing in passwords does my head in at the best of times. I don't feel too well. Got loads of lovely juice so it's not a lack of anything, just me going off on one I'm afraid.
Now I feel...... kkkkkkhhhhhh.
I've got to go. I didn't say anything bad before when I left a comment early in the am UK time, so it would have been mid/late evening your time, under neurosis...?
I honestly can't remember and, to be blazingly frank and I hope you can forgive me for just putting a ball in your court, really really am not up for making judgement calls. That's why I don't dare want to look at what I might have said, and risk going fruitloops again. I had a real bad one. On nothing.
I didn't mean to say anything out of order, don't know sorry subject change or :
Your eye. Will be better v soon, so don't worry about it.
Thanks for all your messages of support over a v long time. Also the one you sent out to All Those Kids. I wonder whether anyone took a blind bit of notice, but didn't notice any reply taking a serious pop. What was there to pop AT? Truth hurts.
Gotta go. Take care


bloody missing question mark, TENDS to make a difference. eejut me

Nonny said...

Ahhh helo my aul flower! That is awful about your fall you poor pet. And your not a fuckwit. Shit happens and you'll be laughing about it soon enough. Are you feeling ok?


kj said...

i'm looking looking for my comment and where where is it? i like to blame blogger but sometimes i think i hit buttons and then assume. :)

so this is a condensed comment. that photo of you: is it sick to say i love it? i love it. you are a tough vulnerable darling soul. (picture a beloved crusty marshmellow).

i love you and please stay upright for the remainder of the season.


i beati said...

yipes something to talk about for yrs to come-

Annie said...

Holy crap, Baino. I'm a little late to this party. I sure hope the swelling has gone down by now. As the recipient of a massive black eye myself, I'm betting the colors are just spreading out like mad. Ouch!!!