"I'm sorry Helen but I need to meet with you and Sgt Bilko as I can no longer work with The Most Annoying Paraplanner in the World (TMAPITW)
This is the fourth complaint I've had about TMAPITW . . .Partners seem oblivious. I've even had to physically separate her from the Argentinian for fear he might deploy some fatal martial arts move and push her septum right between her eyes! The phrase "Baino, deal with this" has become a catch phrase in the office.
Jaime is no dummy spitting girl. She's experienced, capable, a paraplanner in her own right who put up her hand to assist TMAPITW until our new Admin Assistant is up to speed since she's the only Administrator currently with a single job description. She assists with filling in forms and chasing up information required for the completion of a Financial Plan . . . a morning briefing is supposed to apprise Jaime of TMAPITW requirements but then hourly changes of mind mean hourly interruptions and changes of plan which is driving the poor girl to despair.
So 3.00pm this afternoon Sgt Bilko, Jaimie and I sat in his office sagitating and prognosticating and working out how to tell this woman that she is way off beam. Personally, I'd give her the boot. Even Sgt Bilko who is far from my favourite partner is exasperated with her constant interruptions and work avoidance techniques and blithering but too shit scared to take her on single handed. TheBoss has the "You deal with it" attitude and The Elder Statesman simply doesn't care . . he's semi retired. Talk about principals not taking affirmative action! So what's so irritating about this born-again Christian who keeps inviting us to purchase Nutrimetics from her and attend fund raising Yum Cha breakfasts at her pissy little house to raise money for some other born-again Christian to plonk up Everest and touch the face of God?
She TALKS TOO MUCH . . . it takes her half an hour to convey a simple concept such as "could you fill in this application for me please". The term short sharp and to the point has no resonance at all.
She WASTES TIME . . .she drinks more water, coffee . . takes more breaks . . chat's incessantly to just about anyone she can trap in the kitchen . . .arrives late more often than any other employee and recently complained because her personal emails were being blocked by the spam filter (heheheh my doing . . .hehehehe)
She EAVESDROPS, every word that's uttered brings her out of her office like a tortoise out of its shell with a stupid grin and the pretence that she's actually understanding or interested in what we're talking about then she chimes in with her totally unsolicited five cents. The woman has a widget in her ear that allows her to hear subsonic whispering. We now speak in code to avoid detection!
She is HOPELESSLY DISORGANISED. The 'other' Associate Adviser is neck deep in work and bless The Argentinian's sox he gets on with the task at hand. He's fastidious, clever, precise and perfectly organised. Unlike TMAPITW who has shit all over her desk, spends hours revamping a template when there was nothing wrong with it in the first place and persists in reinventing the wheel. She fiddles with the default settings on her PC and even managed to get her spellchecker to do it in French to the point that trying to reverse the default is impossible.
She is PATRONISING treating highly qualified and well paid administrative staff like lackeys to do her bidding and cover her tracks. This is what really got up Jaime's nose . . being treated like an underling instead of a colleague. She's already pissed Char off. I'm tough enough to tell her to pull her head in so she avoids me like the plague but this time . . .
She DOESN'T LISTEN . . how can someone ask a question then talk all the way through the answer. Unless she has amazing extra sensory perception (in which case she wouldn't need to ask the question in the first place). And when she's not asking questions, she's interrupting!
And to top it all she insists on bringing revolting home made cakes that have probably had her kid's snotty little fingers dipping in the mixture and dumping Asian lollies in our Smartie jar! (her only overseas trip to Thailand last year has made her an international citizen in her own mind and we have to endure) Let's face it, the Thais make great curries but are not known for their confectionery. For goodness sake, we don't like the flavour of Tamarind Jellies and Cumquat Liquorice . . get them the fuck out of our lollie jar they're contaminating the flavour!
Can she put a plan together? Yes . . does she have the smarts . . yes . . .but she's so unproductive she's costing the business $ and that doesn't work for me. A profitable business means a bonus for yours truly and I could do with the kish!
So, my job on Friday afternoon . . a staff meeting . . keep the emotion out of it. Point out a few home truths and create a plan to resolve the conflict. It seems every time I come out of a meeting I've generated work for myself! Wish me luck. Talk about pushing jelly uphill with a hot pin! My solution to conflict resolution in the workplace . . have a pie fight!