Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot


Well as you know I’m on the job hunt. To date I've made 10 applications, had 2 rejections and 2 interviews the balance, I've yet to receive a response. So with the Madhouse playing with “Foot in Mouth” . . I wondered if perhaps I’d written something weird on the cover letters, put something silly in my Resume or said something stupid in the interview . . .it has been 15 years since I did a job interview!

It’s a tough market and I’ve only just started really going for it in earnest so, before I get depressed about the lack of jobs in my wage bracket or the frustration of registering with agencies and trawling online, I decided to look at the bright side with examples of inclusions in cover letters that demonstrate opening mouth and inserting foot!

I’ve had sex jobs in the past five years I would like to re-enter the pubic service I am talk, dark and very good looking so when you meet me you will definitely employ me
God fearing
Please do not think that I have jumped from job to job from the 15 jobs I listed. I just get itchy feet and need change.
Personal Interests (woman) Personal Interests (man) - painting my toenails in varying colours" Personal Interests (unknown sex) – Facebook, Linked In, Twine, Twitter other Social Networking and Blogging Personal Interests: I enjoy driving around in my Lamborghini at the weekends
I have a known track record and excellence experience with accurancy and fixing erors
I had an affair with my boss which went wrong, so I had to leave my current job!
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
Its best for employers that I not work with people.
Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.


I just hope some of these guys are in competition for my next position application!

33 comments:

Ribbon said...

Baino... thanks for the laugh! So sorry that you are having to do the job hunt. It can be bloodly stressful, but I'm sure you won't go hungry and all will be well soon.
Don't plan on depression... it's mostly just a waste of good time in the sunshine.

take care
love your blog
best wishes Ribbon :-)

Ronda Laveen said...

Job interviews are a lot like first dates. You have to meet a bunch of strangers and convince them that you are worthy of their time. Can often be awkward. This is a very funny post and I hope it gets you work--or , at the very least, a date.

Bimbimbie said...

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant"... so you found me out then Tsup*!*

Look on the bright side Baino, the ones who haven't had the courtesy to respond are probably crappy employers.

Baino said...

Ribbon, I've been applying for a few Pubic Service jobs. Just hope I spelled it right! Nah, not depressed, it's just so time consuming.

I thought the first one went particularly well Rhonda but haven't heard anything since. Well if I can't work, I need a rich date!

Tsup*!* Tsup*!* . . .(thank you for the lovely card it was so well timed, I might have sent the thank you to you're other half's email!)
Actually Bimbimbie, most don't 'close' until next Friday but there's a distinct lack of stuff in this week's market.

Right, I'm off to redeem last year's mother's day voucher for a massage only I'm trading it in for some micro-dermabrasion - has to be a post there somewhere!

River said...

I take it this list is your current resume? (Reads again.) Okay you're hired. Start whenever you like. Tomorrow would be good, but if it doesn't suit, perhaps next week?

*removes tongue from cheek and wanders away*

River said...

P.S. At interviews insist they inform you if your application is unsuccessful. Give them a time frame for this. That way you know which ones to cross off your list and which ones to keep pursuing.

nick said...

And people wonder why they don't get interviews! As you say, if some of your competition is that standard, you should land a job fairly quickly. Love the idea of maturity leave - that must be what I'm taking at the moment!

Miladysa said...

LOL - some good ones there :D

I've got my fingers & toes crossed for you x

Grannymar said...

I'm on extra maturity leave! Does that make me good wine or old smelly cheese?

Good luck with the hunt!

Brian Miller said...

lol. hopefully they are my competition as well. sending up prayers for your job hunt. have been at it for about 3 months now. it will happen soon.

Leah said...

I can't decide which is the most hilarious. I'm leaning toward the classic "marital status: often / children: various." Seriously that's Dorothy Parker-esque.

I'm rooting for you!

Candie Bracci said...

Lol

This is really tough I know,job interviews and all the rest.I wish you the best of luck.Don't give up.

Have a nice day

Terence McDanger said...

Ha ha some of those are GOLD!

I read a similar one about slightly confused statements in court and they're better still...

hokgardner said...

In my previous, pre-child life, I was responsible for interviewing candidates for various positions, and some of the letters and e-mails I received were unbelievable. Then there was the candidate who called 45 minutes AFTER his scheduled interview to tell us he would be late. He had the audacity to ask for a new interview appointment. We said no, and he was astonished.

Good luck with your job search!

Marianna said...

Oh dear! That was funny and fun to read lol

I like your way of thinking and am sure that something good will come your way soon! You have a great sense of humour and that is one of the best qualities in a person (at least for me:)!

Good luck and have a great day!
xoxo

Baino said...

Yep River, I'm onto that. One of the interviews was advertised internally(I was given a heads up by someone who works there) and doesn't actually close until 8th May. So if I'm unsuccessful, I've asked them to let me know why.

Nick I've been hiring and firing myself for a while and you wouldn't believe what people put in their cover letters. I mean why would a macrobiotic engineer want to be a receptionist?

Thanks Miladysa, methinks it's going to be a long haul. Recession et al

GM - definitely a nice aged Grange!

Two horrible peas in a horrible pod ey Brian. No fun is it? Good luck to you too!

Leah I dodge the personal stuff frankly. It's not obligatory on CV's so best left unsaid.

Nah, still at it Candie. Worst comes to worst, I'll temp for a while if I haven't anything by June

Terence, do share . . .post 'em!

Hokgardener, I know, I've had some doozies in my life . .the cover letter is usually their opening or death knell depending on what's in it.

Oh yeah Marianna . . .I just need a boss with one too!

TCL said...

Whatever happens good luck. Job searching is an humbling experience.

subtorp77 said...

Baino, thanks...I needed that :) Took a look at the want ads out west and n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Well there was a job as a bronc buster but I'm way out of practise...not to mention the poor rate of payment! Cheer up luv, something's got to give sooner or later( I'm hoping sooner ) ;)

Baino said...

TCL that it is . . especially when you're an old fart! Easy for you young things to go pootling off around the world and slip into something comfortable when you get back and need some cash! Enjoy it youngling! You won't be able to do it forever!

Welcome back Subby, good you're safe and sound. Yep, tough times apparently unless you're a "Contracts Administrator", "Engineer" or an auditor or accountant. Then with Government spending on infrastructure, there's a swag of jobs for would you believe "Policy Makers" . .hmmm and I thought that's what politicians did!

subtorp77 said...

Baino, thanks! 'Tis a bleak out-look, pretty much every-where one goes. If it weren't for the taxes on everything, I'da moved back out west...and I won't start on the policy making, here...I'll spare you that, at least...g'day!

Megan said...

I had a comment and then grannymar made me spit my wine all over the keyboard!

Back later!!!!

Baino said...

Slob! Shouldn't be drinking near your computer . . do as I say, not as I do!

laughingwolf said...

weil hell, wiht a rayzumay liek dat, no reson yer cain't start atta top n wirk yer wai doon ;) lol

i beati said...

no doubt you'll be hired in Hollywood Sandy

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makuta ughodin said...



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Simmons Flora said...


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