Thursday, June 18, 2009

Little Men with Big Sacks

Relax . .not my roof!

I live in a typically 70's style but slightly-larger-than-usual . .ranch style house which has an enormous roof and verandah. I'm surrounded by eucalyptus, affectionately dubbed 'gum' trees here due to the unusual amount of sap that drips and curls and plops and furls like syrupy residue.

One slight misconception about gum trees is that they're evergreen. Well yes they are but I like to think of them as perennially deciduous, their leaves drop at the slightest breeze, their bark falls with a change in temperature and their branches . . . hold fast during the most horrendous storms only to creak and crash downwards with an audible thud when you least expect it.

Back to the roof . . .it's a normal roof, 120 degree pitch with a flat pitch verandah cover which provides cool and shade in the summer . .it's a great place to sit and supp on hot summer nights, good to dry your washing when it's pissing down. But in order to have a roof such as this, there are three or four 'valley gutters' and of course the normal guttering that accumulate the lovely lemon and eucalyptus scented leaves that fall from the surrounding trees with aplomb and great regularity.

So . . I hires a man. A little man. He's quoted $125 to clear out the gutters, clear leaves from the roof, bag 'em, tag 'em and take 'em away.

Said lovely man arrives as predicted on a work morning at about 7am . . shower time for the lady of the house, and is greeted by well-endowed woman wrapped in little more than a yellow towel and the clothes God gave her.

"Fine . .you know what needs to be done . .I'll be off to work soon but will leave a cheque in the mailbox - there's the roof . . see the leaves? Work your magic!"

So 'little man' hits the roof and begins cleaning.

I'm in the bathroom, moisturising, mascararing, lip lining and glossing when I see this dark shadow reflected in the mirror and hear this almighty thump followed by a muffled

"Fuck . .shit . .". . . .

I'm like

"Oh my God, Little Man's only been here five minutes and fallen off the roof . . he's landed on his back . .he's immobile . .he's a paraplegic . ."

So, I belt out, fully made up . . hair done, teeth brushed but still donning said yellow towel and nothing other than what God gave me underneath and in a state of abject panic . . there's a dark lump on the floor, not moving, not breathing and all I can think about is "I hope he brushed his teeth . ."

There's no movement from the dark lump. It's lifeless, brown, just listless and lying on the driveway like a limp sausage . . . then . . .I hear a voice from above. Perhaps there is a God and one of his Angels is speaking . .

"Noice get-up luv, goin' to a weddin'"

Bastard was happily balancing on the roof and had been 'hanging' large hessian bags along the guttering as he deposited said leaves, when one bag, with a misdirected grip, fell with a thud, prior to being fully packed . . He'd expressed a few expletives and carried on with the job at hand . .

I can't tell you the adrenalin rush, feelings of panic and the prospect of my towel coming undone whilst administering CPR or worse . . relief dosen't cut it! (He wasn't a very attractive man!)

These days I let my brother or son do it . .they have public liability insurance!

There's more about the 'roof' right here . . .

37 comments:

Susan at Stony River said...

What, no photo of you in the yellow towel?? LOL

But that should teach you a lesson dear; hire a HANDSOME man next time and half those CPR fears would have been done away.

Thanks for the early-morning laugh! I hope your day goes on better than it began, now that the adrenalin rush is over with!

The Silver Fox said...

Great story! Glad you didn't lose the towel.

Brian Miller said...

haha. rich. you know he prob was hoping... your wish that he had brushed his teeth..haha. fun story baino! how did the interviews go?

Kate said...

aha another one who leaves donning the clothes until last .. I have been caught out on many occasion but still I don't learn.....

Yes - how did the interviews go!!!?

Miles McClagan said...

If the towel had fallen down and a vicar walked past, truly it would have been the best of British 70s sitcom...

nick said...

Ah, embarrassing incidents involving tradespeople, haven't we all got a rich store of them? I'm always obsessive about getting myself presentable well before any tradesperson arrives (since they tend to arrive either an hour earlier than scheduled or five hours later). As for what's lying around the house, I'm sure they've seen worse than anything I might have on show so I never bother to conceal anything.

Melissa said...

LOL!! You are too funny, Baino! When we had our bathroom torn up it was a big day for me, because I had been dreaming about it since we moved in. I *hated* our old, gross bathroom. Then our contractor walked in and he was gorgeous. My best friends said, "You've waited so long for this bathroom, you deserve it *and* a hot contractor!" :D

Candie Bracci said...

Hi Baino!LOL,great story,thanks God an happy ending!Have a nice day!:D

dreamhaven said...

love it. It sounds like something I would do, lol. Great piece

subtorp77 said...

LMAO! Wonderful story, Baino!Tho' when you alluded to "seeing something in the mirror", thought mayhaps the little guy was having a peek. Glad you cleard tha tup, wot? :)

Marianna said...

Ha ha I just pictured the scene lol
Great story!

Happy TT
xoxo

Grannymar said...

I read this earlier and remembered a yellow towel....

I am worn out from searching for it. Never mind I have it on now and am ready, poised for any toyboy that comes along!

mouse (aka kimy) said...

you had my heart pounding....nice twist to then have me laughing!! so glad you had your wits about you to keep the towel up!

the falling off the roof bit
which reminds me of an old post on the mouse - I should have recycled it for today's theme! I added the link as you might get a chuckle out of it!

I love the look of those corrugated metal roofs....

Leah said...

Brilliantly recounted farce!

i beati said...

omg what a scare sandy

VE said...

Ha! The old roof and towel trick. Yes, I've tried that one with the hot neighbors too...

Betsy said...

"I hope he brushed his teeth..."
tee-hee!

Roy said...

Hmmm... I think if I'd been born a female and found myself in that situation, my reply to his remark would've been: "What's wrong, mate? Haven't hit puberty yet?"

Great story!

willow said...

Oh, this was a great story! Why is it those guys always arrive at morning shower time? I have a few of those stories, myself. Thanks for the TT giggles!

The Silver Fox said...

Actually, "shower time" is a PERFECT time to arrive... and for the obvious reason. Not EVERY woman holds onto her towel as well as Baino!

Wings said...

Hahahahaha - Great post! Thanks for sharing that memory! :)

laughingwolf said...

so, how was the wedding? :O lol

jay said...

Hahaha! I would have been embarrassed and incensed in equal proportions! LOL!

Yep, I agree with Susan at SR - hire and attractive man next time. And when you've done that, let me know your secret. Every single gardener I've ever hired is a stringy guy with a nice personality, but that's all, IYKWIM.

My friends get the sexy gardeners (one even holds coffee mornings, especially to gawp) but me? I get the stringy ones.

Baino said...

God no . .me in a yellow towel = banana

So were the neighbours Fox!

Ever given mouth to mouth to someone who hasn't Brian? I rest my case!

Kate it's the only way not to get toothpaste on your work clothes. Went well thanks. Got an extended contract and start on Monday.

Maybe not a vicar Miley but our road is frequented by walkers and the local boot campers!

Nick you saucy devil! He arrived a little earlier than expected or he might have caught me in the altogether as well!

Mel that makes me cross. I have never had a good looking contractor! Except Douggie the horsey vet *swoon*. It's just not like it is in Desperate Housewives at all!

Happy ending and clean gutters Candie! Who could ask for more?

G'day Welcome Dreamhaven . . nice to know I'm not alone!

Subby he was so short I don't think he'd have reached the sill.

Visual delights are my speciality Marianna

Yeh GM? Well I hope he's better looking and not as clumsy as this guy . . no toy boy either, well wrinkly he was!

Thanks Kimy, I'll wonder over and check it out. It's the roof on an old homestead a km or so away from where I live. Very popular in ye old colonial days.

Story of my life Leah!

Made quide a thump Sandy, as did my heart! But not in a good way.

VE you are devious and shameless but then we all know that!

Hmm . . welcome over Betsy . .these things are important you know!

It's the old story Roy, you think of the best back-answers long after the event! I'll keep that one in the vault for later.

I know Willow, I should have been prepared. Old habits and all that!

Oooh Foxy . . so it's a deliberate ploy then!

No worries Wings . . had to post this one fast, I was running very late.

Wuffa . .you're still cheesy!

Ronda Laveen said...

Ha! So funny. Next time you must require head shots with your estimates so you can select a helper worthy of CPR. Hey, this might just be a nice way of meeting new men. Pretend you have a job that needs done and get a que of applicants. Worked for the Craig's List killer.

California Girl said...

OMG that is hilarious! The visuals are a riot. You know, "theatre of the mind" is better than seeing it any day. Really enjoyed this. Hope your little man with big sacks gets the job done for ya. hahahahahaha!

steph said...

Brilliantly told. Thanks for the laugh.

Exciting news about new contract, eh? congrats!

Renee said...

Oh my God Baino I am laughing my head off. Thank you, that did me good.

I loved the title of this post. Loved it so much.

Re the lifestyle shift I wrote all this in 2006 and I totally need a shift again because I totally eat crap. Since the beginning when I tried to do so well, but also had chemo sometimes if I see a vegetable to this day it makes me want to throw up, so I eat potato chips instead.

Love Renee xoxoxo

kj said...

HAHAHA, you set this stage so well i almost forgave you for not including the little yellow towel, but not entirely.

to quote renee, i needed this (too). you write comedy, sweet friend. you do, you do.

:) xo

Kath Lockett said...

You never know, if you'd let the towel 'drop' you might have got your gutters cleaned for a much lower price!

Annie Ha said...

That is one of those stories that starts out good and just keeps getting better! Definitely one to tell over and over in years to come.

River said...

I think you should have got a cut price from the "roofer" after he scared a few years off your life and saw you in a towel.

Baino said...

Ronda, seriously . . I've had tradies in and out over the years and not one is a looker . .I'm doomed to a barage of short,sweaty, ornary men. I swear all the tradies in my 'hood' are that way!

Thanks Cali . . words and pictures . . this was before my 'camera' days otherwise I'd have dropped the towel and used my flash!

I do kj, my life is a sitcom . .and the towel wasn't that 'little' I am of generous proportions!

Bugger it Plugger, trust you to think of the practical implications! Never crossed my mind! "Oi, how much off for a tit flash?"

Annie, nothing remarkable happens to me but this one kinda stuck out!

Haha River . .believe me seeing me in nothin' but a towel ..I'd have to pay them by way of apology! Although I did have my hair done and lippy on!

Bimbimbie said...

Hilarious ... I think he was being cheeky Baino and wanted another look at you in your towel... or hopefully out of it lol*!*

lettuce said...

ha, this made me larf

C.M. Jackson said...

ohhh I needed that howl--you had me at the yellow towel--great writing luv! thanks c

Betty said...

ROTFLMAO! Great story and well told. I too have a yellow towel. Unfortunately it has holes in it, courtesy of a hamster we used to own.