Monday, November 28, 2011

Things Men Have Told Me

"Can we make love now..." In a Triumph Sprite.. yeh like that's gonna happen. Is that the gear stick or are you just happy to see me?
"Fuck off... you're dead to me" Brotherly love
"You're terribly pretty" So ask me out moron
"You have a big clitoris, I like that" *no sound*
"You're not the right cultural fit" I could wear a Hijab if  you prefer it.
"Don't oversell yourself" ...because underselling is so much better
"You are lovely, intelligent, interesting and one day will make someone really happy"  Who?
"I like older women..." Thank you Mr Goodbar
"You're so aggressive" yeh well if I was a man, I'd be 'assertive', a go-getter
"Don't be needy.." because not caring is sharing
"You say what you think don't you?" You'd prefer I lie?
"I feel a bit woozy" Yeh but you're not the one in labour shitting out a watermelon!
"You're out of your futhermuckin mind." Only because you put me there
"Your skillset is extraordinary." You gonna hire me?
"Oh my. You have great breasts" Yeh my babies liked them -26 years ago
"You know you fart in your sleep?" And you don't?
"Oh this isn't good" Upon an internal examination, "This is excellent" Thank you Dr - Every girl dreams of a well healed vaginal cuff.
"I only eat here to be polite" What? After I've been to Morocco to get the ingredients to my Moosewood Cookbook?
"Can you do me a favour?" What? Babysit your dog while you take your floozie to Fiji, sure.
"You need to stop projecting..." Because my lumen is fading?
"I love you, but..." ....Oh really...
"You make the best pepper sauce.." Truth at last. My epitaph. No, really I do make an awesome pepper sauce.

Crank it punters and dance like you're going to lose your legs tomorrow....if it wasn't so funny, it would be sad

I should add that these are men over the ages...not anyone in particular. Feel fee to share some of he silliness...

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Well hello there!  Quite a lot has been happening which I may or may not share over coming weeks, the least of which is a 2 year contract and a pay rise (relief). The prospect of a new 'man', a daughter in South America, a son being awesome and of course the onslaught of Christmas.

Today my bestie and I wondered to the airport to drop her husband off for a golf trip with the rich and famous before descending into the world-famous (although God knows why) Bondi Beach to check out the annual Sculpture by The Sea cliff-side exhibition.  Pretty bloody good this year actually, although there was this weird inversion layer of mist over the ocean despite the high temperature. 

And joggers....who despite knowing this is a crowded cliff walk event throughout the month of November, persist in pushing their way all sweaty and sunscreened past the throng of tourists and making no effort to conceal their chagrined expressions. 

Of course there's the fashion on the beach ranging from, shall we say, gentlemen of mature age with schlongs that would be better hidden than dangling half way down their lycra clad thighs and men whose bodies would be better left covered than not.  Of course there were a few beach volley ballers that prevented yours truly from stripping down...buns so tight you could...oh never mind.  The ladies varied from teensy weensy bikini frilled nubile nymphettes to those who really shouldn't wear an organza fascinator on their sun hat.  

There was the ample plethora of bathing beauties over-tatted and over tanned. Far too many noisy Chinese women and naughty children ignoring the 'do not touch the artwork' signs and what's with covering the baby's pram with a cloth?  There's going to be an entire generation of vitamin D deprived teenagers in Australia in the next 12 years. Everyone seems to have at least two dogs, most of course are small enough to put in your pocket or ugly enough to be noticed and distract onlookers from the budgie smugglers at the end of the lead. 

And the cafes don't take credit cards unless your spend is over $20 and there's also a $2.50 surcharge? What? We living in the dark ages? Fwooooaaar.

Anyway, a guy at work said he'd been disappointed. Not me. I loved it. Although both my friend Thommo and I agree, we're over rusty steel and twisty metal.  But who can resist a smiling Asian with a perfect willy or a skeleton with a fishing rod?  Although for both of us, the real sculpture had been done by the sea, the sandstone cliffs are spectacular.
Cold water, warm air, sea mist

Yoga at Bondi Icebergs.....bags the front row

Oh herro zebra

Mutant daisy

I thought I saw a heffalump

Boring twisty metal thing and a complete tosser in the background

Beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

Impossible hole

Somebody buy those women a steak! Eating disorders on legs

Rivetting....and ribbetting

Natural sculpture....artist? The ocean

Hmmm well sculpted lifeguards

Sub mariner

Creative wood pile

Poetry in it

Harro wirry

The long and the short of it

It wasn't me Officer...

More on the flickr slide show on my sidebar if you're interested.