Friday, November 07, 2008
Right! So you think I'm 'sweet', 'loving', 'considerate', 'caring' . . a 'softie'! Bullshit! If you're easily offended just move on now!
Without a doubt this Friday's Fuckwit is my shitfaced, dickwad of an internet connection. Yep. I'm mad. I'm fuming. I'm hypertensive with RAGE! And I'm not talking about the music video show!
I've disc cleaned I've optimised. I've fiddled with sockets, switches and cables. I've spoken nicely (works with the ol' Honda) and I've thumped the box so to speak. It's taken me five minutes to log into the Google Home Page, another five to open my Gmail and when I finally do get onto the blogs, I see those little bloggy things that say where you're commenters are coming from I'm coming from CANFUCKINGBERRA! or worse still PORTFUCKINGMORSEBY. Yep, I'm re-routed to some third world Island nation filled with 'rascals' and coffee growers. That's how shit the servers are over here unless you have Naked ADSL2 Super Fast Internet which nobody but business can afford. That's what I have at work and it's instantaneous. I never get that stupid Error 404 message or the Firefox 'can't connect' window or the one I really hate - the precocious Google GMail "Oops we've encountered a problem . ." smart arses!
At home, my Firefox freezes every 10 minutes if I'm too speedy in toggling between windows. Strangely, P2P works fine - Limewire, Skype, MSN . . .flawless but browsing is AGONY. And it's not my crappy old Dell . . it's the same with the Mac and the MacBook. The same at my friend's house. The same next door. This bloody Government for whom I voted and am beginning to wonder why - promised Australia wide ranging super fast broadband but while their Select Committees, Task Forces and overpaid stuffed-shirts of public servants spend more flexitime masturbating than getting on with the project at hand, I'm stuck.
Interestingly with Clare's travels she's been able to pinpoint the good the bad and the ugly when it comes to Internet. She's wireless with a MacBook pro and without a doubt has found that England is the very best in terms of connection, speed, webcam clarity . . .almost enough to make me move there other than the lousy weather. South America aint half bad either and free Internet at Starbucks in America seemed pretty good for the price of a cup of coffee with 'Quote of the Day' on it. Then again even in North Western Spain, the internet's faster than it is here even if she does have to sit in a mounting yard (no smutty jokes please) to get online.
Australia's is rubbish. I could of course fork out $395 a month and get the super duper internet highway connected and believe me, I've thought about it. Unlimited download/upload, great speed, no errors. I wouldn't have to wait five hours for my Flickr hi-res pics to upload or my mail to download. I wouldn't have pick my nose until it bleeds whilst waiting to start up and I wouldn't have to have an almighty whinge on the best evening of the week.
Seriously it's like an old man with a prostate problem . . . interrupted 'flow' . . .Thank God it's Friday . . by 8pm everyone will be off socialising and leave enough time for sad-sack Google Queens like me to brows the web at my own pace! So yes, I probably should have gone to the pub for 2 hours! As my dear friend Thrifty would say "Fucketty Fucketty Fuck Fuck FUCK!" Sometimes it's the only word that will do!
God that felt good . . (sorry kj)
What did I tell you . . .7:54pm and it's business as usual.