Friday, November 07, 2008

Friday Fuckwit


Right! So you think I'm 'sweet', 'loving', 'considerate', 'caring' . . a 'softie'! Bullshit! If you're easily offended just move on now!

Without a doubt this Friday's Fuckwit is my shitfaced, dickwad of an internet connection. Yep. I'm mad. I'm fuming. I'm hypertensive with RAGE! And I'm not talking about the music video show!

I've disc cleaned I've optimised. I've fiddled with sockets, switches and cables. I've spoken nicely (works with the ol' Honda) and I've thumped the box so to speak. It's taken me five minutes to log into the Google Home Page, another five to open my Gmail and when I finally do get onto the blogs, I see those little bloggy things that say where you're commenters are coming from I'm coming from CANFUCKINGBERRA! or worse still PORTFUCKINGMORSEBY. Yep, I'm re-routed to some third world Island nation filled with 'rascals' and coffee growers. That's how shit the servers are over here unless you have Naked ADSL2 Super Fast Internet which nobody but business can afford. That's what I have at work and it's instantaneous. I never get that stupid Error 404 message or the Firefox 'can't connect' window or the one I really hate - the precocious Google GMail "Oops we've encountered a problem . ." smart arses!

At home, my Firefox freezes every 10 minutes if I'm too speedy in toggling between windows. Strangely, P2P works fine - Limewire, Skype, MSN . . .flawless but browsing is AGONY. And it's not my crappy old Dell . . it's the same with the Mac and the MacBook. The same at my friend's house. The same next door. This bloody Government for whom I voted and am beginning to wonder why - promised Australia wide ranging super fast broadband but while their Select Committees, Task Forces and overpaid stuffed-shirts of public servants spend more flexitime masturbating than getting on with the project at hand, I'm stuck.

Interestingly with Clare's travels she's been able to pinpoint the good the bad and the ugly when it comes to Internet. She's wireless with a MacBook pro and without a doubt has found that England is the very best in terms of connection, speed, webcam clarity . . .almost enough to make me move there other than the lousy weather. South America aint half bad either and free Internet at Starbucks in America seemed pretty good for the price of a cup of coffee with 'Quote of the Day' on it. Then again even in North Western Spain, the internet's faster than it is here even if she does have to sit in a mounting yard (no smutty jokes please) to get online.

Australia's is rubbish. I could of course fork out $395 a month and get the super duper internet highway connected and believe me, I've thought about it. Unlimited download/upload, great speed, no errors. I wouldn't have to wait five hours for my Flickr hi-res pics to upload or my mail to download. I wouldn't have pick my nose until it bleeds whilst waiting to start up and I wouldn't have to have an almighty whinge on the best evening of the week.

Seriously it's like an old man with a prostate problem . . . interrupted 'flow' . . .Thank God it's Friday . . by 8pm everyone will be off socialising and leave enough time for sad-sack Google Queens like me to brows the web at my own pace! So yes, I probably should have gone to the pub for 2 hours! As my dear friend Thrifty would say "Fucketty Fucketty Fuck Fuck FUCK!" Sometimes it's the only word that will do!

God that felt good . . (sorry kj)

What did I tell you . . .7:54pm and it's business as usual.

22 comments:

Megan said...

Well that fucking sucks.

(I am giggling so much right now my stomach hurts. Sorry to laugh at your pain, but oh christ!)

Thriftcriminal said...

Ha! I was once in India working for 2 weeks, I described the connection I was using as having a bottle neck consisting of two indians on adjacent hills, one with a cable up his ass shouting ONE, ZERO, ONE, ONE, ZERO.... while the other attached his cable to alternate ends of a battery according to the sequence shouted to him.

Bimbimbie said...

LOL There's a whole load of flying Fuffung ducks going on right here too ... we just got timed out whilst signing up for Big Pond's next G - aint it grand living in the third wibbly wobbly world

Ah well, it can only get slower now it's the weekend ;)

Excellent Adventures said...

Hmm, I'll consider going halvies with you for ADSL2, I think that's similar to what they had in England and it was every nerd's heaven!!! Sometimes its worth the money just to prevent you pulling your hair out!

Nick said...

Oh dear, you do sound seriously fucking frustrated! Sorry to rub it in, but yes broadband here is fairly fast and reliable. Unusual to get freezes, error messages etc. The only freeze is the non-functioning NI Executive. In future when I read your posts, I shall think of the pain and grief that went into getting them on the screen!

An old man with a prostate problem? Careful....

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

The government promised and you believed and voted for them, tee hee heee heeeee, ha ha haaaaa...

Seriously, that totally sucks. Even I, in darkest Africa, don't have that sort of problem. Got superduper swifty ADSL - assuming of course the ISP hasn't roled over and played dead for an hour or two...

Bear Naked said...

Wow
And I thought MY internet connection here in Canada was bad.
I pay $48CDN (plus 13% tax) per month for what is supposed to be high speed and I don't have half the problems you have.
Now every time I read one of your posts I will say a silent prayer for you.


Bear((( )))

TCL said...

The shitbird that bothers all travelers, bad Internet connection. What will we do without a fast link to cyberspace?

Jordan was bad too. Granted, I was a desert rat half the time and only got a connection when I crashed an archaeologist hostel.

At least you don't have to deal with the great firewall of China. They don't like you looking at web sites there. And now they're trying to do the same thing to my mother's island.

Cheers to Friday!

kj said...

i so sympathize, baino. some things just need to move without hassle, and internet dialogue is one of them.

here's wishing you a fucking easier time of it.

:)

laughingwolf said...

here in halifax, nova scotia, i had cable, then dialup [thru dal university, pretty speedy, actually, but downtimes sucked] and now dsl with aliant [owned by bell]... most times all is fine, but can sympathize

Miladysa said...

Bloody Hell! Is the best I can do online -- my family monitor my internet activity...

"without a doubt has found that England is the very best in terms of connection, speed, webcam clarity"

HA! HA! HA! HA! My bum it does!
Could that be 'London' rather than 'England' by any chance? MY internet is routed through ruddy INDIA!

Moon said...

Couldn't agree with you more, it can't be that difficult can it ?

I wonder if I out too many photos on my site, so people, like yourself, with a shite connection cannot spend half a day waiting for it to download ??

Keep the faith, and mind your language pls xx

Baino said...

Megs, glad someone got a giggle out of it!

Thrifty I think I'll have to start blogging in html for faster upload!Funny the Indians are so good with telephones I'd have thought they'd be ace with internet!

Ah maybe it's Australia wide then Bimbimbie. Weird it's just during the day. By 8pm it's ticketty boo!

Hey Baby. Yeh well we can get it for aout $129 a month but remember at the moment it's FREE!

Well woop de doo! Nickers. Sorry, no reference to your good self re prostates! I simlply wouldn't go there! hehe

I know AV . . sucked in once again! The problem is with the server at Castle Hill I'm sure . . .010101010's have to go bouncing around the country!

Oooh kj said a bad word!

I just have to time it right Wuff. Hows the novel coming? Bet you're PC's working overtime!

Fair 'nuff Miladysas, yes, she was in London and Surrey but the internet in both was brilliant.

Photo loading can be a problem both in posting and opening other websites Moon especially if there's a fancy header or background on the site. Yours isn't too bad actually .. Miladysa and Ces cause some grief! Best to visit them in the evening!
Erm sorry, I've topped up the swear jar!

Miladysa said...

London/Surrey doesn't surprise me Baino - as I always thought - there is a conspiracy against the North...

My sites are hard to load? Apologies for that.

I have problems viewing videos in blog posts :[

Jay said...

I have a friend staying with me right now and I just read this out loud to her and she's laughing her socks off! But she says Moon has no right to criticise your language.

Quite right too! ROFL!!

Babysis said...

ah I love it....nothing like a good verbal abuse vent.....well done Baino!

Baino said...

Miladysa . . not too bad. Just takes a while for the background to load but it's my internet that's to blame.

Jay . .not my usual form but it is so frustrating. It's 12:53 (lunchtime) here now and it's working like a charm so it must have something to do with traffic.

Hi Lou, I am coming over, just getting the washing done! (Another cause for foul language!)

RyanIAm said...

adsl2 will cost you prob about 50bucks a month or less, dunno where you get 395 from, maybe on a business plan. But you dont need a business plan.

Baino said...

Ryan the $395 is what we pay to Internode each month for our business line. Carris the Server and 22 PC's. The highest upload/download for domestic use costs $129 . . thing it . . at the moment I piggy back Pete's ADSL so I get it for freeeeeee! Beggars cant be choosers!

Ces said...

What an expensive underperforming DSL provider. I pay 39 dollars per month all of which is reimbursed by my company because I use the line for work when I am oncall. However, there are rare service interruptions, for example during hurricanes. There are two service providers in our city one is cable and the other a telephone line so they keep competing with each other which is good for the customers. Sounds like your DSL provider is run by the government. Lately, I have been limiting my blogging and instead spending more time drawing, talking to and visiting with my children, husband and neighbors.

Thriftcriminal said...

well it was 1996

Baino said...

Ces . . I piggyback my Brother's ADSL and I suspect it's an 'old' plan that goes slow once it's reached it's download limit. The lovely Ryan is putting something together for me on costs and speeds so when Clare gets back we can upgrade. And sadly no . . the government has nothing to do with ISP's or lines other than promising assistance to improve internet access to rural areas. We're not quite a socialist country yet! And I get a tax rebate for a 'home' office! See, it's not all bad!