Saturday, April 18, 2009

Breathe me . . .

I hate these . . I love these . . I hate these . . .this my friends, is a grey gum. One of many varieties of eucalypt that live on my block. One of over 60 on my five acres of paradise that continues to shed it's bark, leaves, gumnuts and sap every day, all day, all week, month and year . . .and this is where it all began . .

It's all getting a bit overwhelming. My Saturday's are like many other's Saturdays. I get up early, plonk around the blog. Have a chat with the Paduan on Skype and launch into a day of activity. Repetitive, never ending, monotonous activity.

I had a tanty today. A full blown screaming banshee, all swearing, door slamming bucket throwing tantrum. Living on five acres is wonderful if you can afford a hunk of spunk to maintain it but even with three of us (the bro is useless) it's a huge affair controlling things. Because we chose to live 'wild' and not manicure our garden. Frankly. It's a bloody mess.

I think I'm getting to old for this Saturday backbreaking work business. While he who would be a rock star is over at Kurnell on a photoshoot and she who would moonlight as a web designer shot over to discount eyewear to order new contact lenses (although she did clean her room and change her linen before going), I was left with the usual mountains of washing, cleaning, grubby windows and flyscreens, leaf blowing, cobweb dossing, weed infested bundle of shit to contend with and I'm not even talking about the speed dating centre for Wood Ducks that the great green greasy limpopo pond of a pool has become.. All would have been fine if the fucking blower had started first time.

You see, I've hurt my back. I'm stuffed if I know how. I believe as you get older and your muscles waste, the disks in your spine lose fluid and so lower back pain is common in older people! Well I'm not having that! I'm only 52 for fuck's sakes.

I've never had back problems in my life but it's a really dull bruised sciatica pain across my lower back that's making me irritable and less flexible than usual. Even a good lathering of Voltarin is not quite enough to dull the pain. Not that I normally cartwheel over to the washing line but it is about 50 metres away and carrying a few loads of wet towels and landscapers togs certainly made me twinge. I probably shouldn't have washed the floor either but having totally ignored housework since before Easter, it really had to be done.

So with house clean, sheets changed, washing hung, empties tossed and floors washed . . .I grab the leaf blower which my son has very kindly purloined as an integral part of his garden maintenance equipment. No problem with him borrowing it but it's now had the bejesus banjaxed out of it.

I bought it specially because it's easy to start, it has a left hand pull - perfect for a cacky hander like me - and a three stage choke. Not today . . the spark plug's wobbly, the choke is threatening to come loose from its moorings, the carby is wobbly, the pull is making a clunky splatty noise and the damn thing wouldn't start. So after a few delightful expletives that my neighbour probably heard from 500m away with earplugs in . . .the old girl did crank up. Fantastic . .I'm pootling along the driveway, all going well. Take my finger off the trigger for a nanosecond to check the mail box and the biatch conks out. No problem . . back up towards the house. A little more two-stroke and . . . then it began . . .after about 10 minutes of pulling, swearing, flooding I hit the roof, lost my bottle, had a hissy fit, chucked a maddy, did a wobbly, went off my nut, pulled the plug, chucked a narnie . . .went totally ballistic! Birds scattered, frogs stopped chirping, ducks flapped off in a panic, horses pricked their ears and the dog ran behind the shed.

I'm a bit embarrassed about it now. My niece is next door and afraid to come out of the house. Had the dog been nearer she'd have copped a thong up the arse as well. So I had to contend with slamming a few doors, screaming every profanity known to man - and a few I made up - except the c-bomb, even I have scruples - before hurling the bucket of dirty mop water about 5 metres up the garden. Man I've got an 'arm' when I'm angry! I should think about shot put.

Amazing how cathartic writing this down has been. . I've yelled, screamed, accused, threatened to toss both kids out - of course whilst neither were here - and after a nice cup of tea, a quick comment on a couple of blogs . . . I'm ready to do battle with the blower once again! Oooh me back!

PS it behaved the second time but just for good measure I nicked a glass of Adam's merlot and had it with a rather nice Leicester cheese for lunch. That'll teach him!

Fucking weeds . . . .next week they will feel the wrath of she who must not be fucked with! See, that word sometimes . .is the best medicine ever! "Oh blast!" just doesn't cut the mustard! Take a few deep breaths . .breathe . . breathe . . .

PS: This was all about me doing too much and insisting on doing it 'now' than others doing too little. The kids are fantastic in their help and support. I'd lose my bottle more often if they didn't help out!


Sarah Lulu said...

I do enjoy someone else's tantrum, at distance ahaha..

And that's ok if you know where I live, but if you turn out to be a stalker I'll have to borrow a gun from one of my good american friend bloggers!

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Ah, there is nothing quite so releasing as a bloody good tantrum. Sometimes it's the only way. Cuss away and find those developers fast and get y'self a nice little flat near the sea!

Miles McClagan said...

I like Weeds - it's a great show, well acted...I have 1ne lawn and a hammock, most weeks, the hammock wins!

Ces said...

Whut?! Whut?! I missed so many posts! Where have I been? Huh?! Huh?!

My pooter died last night so it needs to go to the tech house today so we can save our files. I tried to fix it but I am no desktop guy.

Enough about me. I cannot believe I missed so many posts. The phallus post was funny. The jealousy post, I read it and I thought I commented but I may have been dreaming.

Swearing. I LUV swearing and when I do, it attracts great attention and things get done, it's like magic. I don't use it more often and quite frankly I don't use the f word often because to me there is a difference between a woman with a colorful language from a woman who is not eloquent and can't find the right word therefore uses the f word for almost every other word.

Sciatica, you have my full sympathy and 100% empathy. Back pain is terrible, I hope you find relief soon.

Baino swearing like a banshee must have been a very frightening but entertaining site and yes, catharsis is good. I hope it's out of your system now, back to being sweet Baino again.

Your post on Australia is magnificent.

Using my laptop which I hate so if there are misspellings, blame the stucked keys.

River said...

With a sore back you still managed to do all that? Especially the bucket toss. You amaze me. Get a laundry trolley to sit the basket in, then you won't have to carry it...
Since you've chosen to live with nature mostly why would a few (thousand) leaves be a problem? Leave them on the grass to mulch down and feed the soil.

nick said...

I guess maintenance is the only downside of having a fabulous five acres worth. It's quite enough looking after the garden of our modest semi. Sciatica can be nasty, fortunately I've never had it, it's knees that are my problem. About time those kids of yours did their fair share of the upkeep!

kj said...

well! there are at least a couple of 'fucks' that capture your facial expression and wild body movements just perfectly.

properly placed tantrums can be very good for you, baino. and it sounds like you get an A plus for this one.

i hope your back decides to cooperate quickly. i have a defiant back-it's no fun when you need it.

i suggest one tantrum a month until further notice.


there, that is now out of my system and i've used my quota of the f word for the next 30 days.


Vita said...

you've cracked me up again Nellie!

Susan said...

Oh boy. You're making me feel guilty for all the work I'm not doing outside! LOL We've only got two acres, but the state of it is disgraceful. Big dreams...tiny little shovels.... *sigh*

Brian Miller said...

wow. amazing rant. its those inanimate objests that to it to me every time. they don't bite back, they just don't work. really need to talk to your neighbors about putting some video up on you tube. lol. hope the day gets better, back feels better...

Brian Miller said...

oh and enjoyable song. the vid looked like it was fun to make.

steph said...

Jeez! Baino

I could hear you from here!

This is my prescription for your back...

Pop a bottle of Chardy, sit in your favourite spot to drink while the rock star and the web designer get your swimming pool area shipshape and ready for use.

Swimming is yer man for bad backs. Any stroke (except breaststoke) will help to strengthen the muscles to protect the weak spot in your back. It may be that sacroileitis is the problem not the discs but whatever, both conditions require a careful balance of rest and play!

Steph's orders!

subtorp77 said...

Bloody hell Baino! You swear like a sailor( actually we're worse ). Sorry 'bout your back. I feel the pain, believe me. Injured mine years ago( that's what got me tossed out of the Army ). Still manage to pull a certain side part, every now and then( like week last ). And yo uhave something there. Seems the older we get, the more parts that wear out. Kinda like the lawn equipment. But 'tis too bad we can't just nip on down to the local store, for a replacement body part. If only.

California Girl said...

great fucking post! you swear like a sailor! very funny and I'm with you all the way. Gardening used to be my favorite thing to do and now it's all about pacing because I'll kill my back and my knee that needs replacement. I've now enjoyed a tantrum and cuss session vicariously. Thanks!

Don't Bug Me! said...

Perhaps half an acre might be a better idea for Mr. DBM and I!?

Grannymar said...

Right missus here comes a lecture!

Those pair are NOT children. They are old enough to vote, drive, drink, marry & procreate therefore they are old enough to do their own laundry.

Now you can of course trade that chore for some other one that you do not like doing e,g pool cleaning, car washing et al.

If they lived away from home not alone would they pay rent but they would have to do the other household things as well (just ask Clarebear).

The days of 'Irish Mothers' has well and truly gone, and may it never return.

Get a life and let them live in the real world!

Now go have a chardy my tantrum is over. Cheers!

Colette Amelia said...

Hey I think I want to come and have a cup or bottle of wine with you! thanks for livening up my morning!!

Ropi said...

We have a small garden with great problems. The soils is bad and the trees have some problems either.

Jay said...

"Had the dog been nearer she'd have copped a thong up the arse as well"

Hahaha! Is that like when a really well-covered lady pulls her knickers up too far?

Sorry .. I still think of underwear when you say 'thong'. LOL!

Welcome to the 'how DARE they say I'm 'getting old'' club! But you may need a chiro for that back. ;)

Leah said...

I love and respect a good private tantrum. Absolutely necessary at times.

I'm planning on having one sometime soon, you've inspired me! ; )

Baino said...

It's a rare thing for me frankly Sara Lulu although I do rant a bit occasionally. No the only stalking I do is following the drinks waiter around at weddings!

I was released! Well AV you know that's the plan. I just wish it would happen soon!

Ah I remember that one! The sweet housewife who began selling dope. Yeh well .. you don't have to mow 3 acres!

Hullo dear Ces. Sorry to hear about your puter woes and I share your hatred of laptops. I much prefer a raised keyboard. Glad you caught up! Yeh a hot water bottle and Voltarin are helping a bit but I think frankly some deep muscle therapy is called for (I hate the physio)

River it's more a nagging ache than debilitating, the more I move the better it feels actually besides, if I don't do it, who will! Not sure Coles would look kingly on me nicking one of their shopping trolleys!It's leaves on the verandah and driveway I blow . those that fall on the garden, stay on the garden.

Nick it's really my fault, they ask if there's anything I want them to do and usually Adam does the lawns and pool, Clare's pretty good with washing and both pay board so. It was more the frustration of not being able to start the bloody blower. Ads fixed it when he came home! I should have waited but in my usual style, it had to be done NOW!

Why kj, and I used to apologise for language to you .. what on earth happened! My poor old doors won't deal with too much slamming so that's probably it for a while now!

Well Vita, you've seen it before! I don't go off much these days but . .you know I loves my blower! Actually it hadn't been done since Hannah's 21st so the place was particularly messy.

Susan, we have about 3acres of paddock so the horses do the work there. And another 2.5 of woodland garden which Adam mows with the tractor but around the house is a border garden, huge verandah and patio . . .THAT's the bit that drives me insane! Plus I'm not mad on gardening.

Maybe that's it Brian, if the blower had argued back we may have had a reasonable discussion and resolved it like adults . . It's my fave at the moment. I only just realised that Sia is an Aussie!

Thanks Dr Steph. I was hoping it would resolve itself in a week. I think it may have had something to do with being on my feet all day at the Easter show but I can actually 'feel' the centre of pain so . .physio tomorrow. And I couldn't possibly swim in that sludge of a pool! Besides, what would the ducks say? No fear my dear, a working bee has been scheduled for next weekend.

Hmm, pissing me off at the moment Subby. I've never had back problems before and I haven't exactly done anything out of the ordinary to strain it. Ah well . .shit happens . ooops there's that sailor surfacing again

Cali, suck it up. There won't be another for a while and guess what . .it rained last night and now the wind is blowing all the leaves back on the verandah . .God's revenge is not so sweet!

DBM, I thought of you whilst eying the spider webs on the verandah . . .you'd have a ball poking and prodding! Although they are all getting a swift kick in the hole next weekend. They can go nest in trees!

Grannymar I think you have the wrong end of the stick. Both actually pull their weight around the place. Although I wouldn't let Adam near my washing machine! I was annoyed that the blower wasn't in the fantabulous condition it was when I lent it to him but he is actually the MAIN gardener and pool boy around here. He just wasn't home to ask. Both actually contribute 10% of their salary as board and quite honestly, if I ask them they will do anything. Clare did ask if she could help but she's not much at starting machinery so . . .I didn't mean to infer that they were non contributing. Far from it.Next door mind you . . now they could do with a shake now and then! I guess because it's always been my Saturday 'thing' nobody else has taken up the gauntlet but they would if I only ASKED . . (which I am poor at doing btw). Thanks for the lecture anyway. And I did have a rather nice Andrew Garrett Sauvignon Blank! Cheers :)

Now Collette that's why I like to keep things tidy. There is NOTHING nicer than sitting in the garden on a sunny afternoon or warm evening sharing a drink and a nice conversation. That's exactly why I bother.

Ropi, that's a shame! Just grow stuff in pots! Less bending, easy weeding . . what am I saying . . you don't do the gardening surely?

Jay you may well have hit the nail on the head. It's my fierce insistance that I can do it when probably . . I shouldn't! I'm a little wary of chiropractors but will see a physio next week. And no, I meant a flip flop although I can safely say I did have my knickers in a twist!

Today fortunately is grey and overcast with the look of rain and a good day to relax and do little.

Baino said...

Sorry Leah just snuck in there . .didn't you have one whilst visiting the MIL? Such great restraint!

Megan said...

I'm overdue for one of these, myself. Wish I could have been a bird in one of those trees so I could have had a listen - sounds like I would have learned some new words!


Melanie said...

I laughed and laughed sorry. Only because I totally relate and well lets face it, im awful and I like it when other people are as miserable as me hehe. JOKE(maybe) Now, if you listen very carefully, I am about to get house that has not been cleaned since school holidays cleaned for first day back at school tomorrow and I reckon you will hear me screaming like a fisherwoman from your house.....oh i loved the bit about the thong up the arse, I so get that.
oh and mate, pulling cords to start mowers , blowers and whipper snippers is bad for ya back and I know no other lazy bugger is there to do it but sometimes you need to wait. All that twisting and jerking is really bad on top of all the other stuff. OK lecture over, Ill just go and repeat everything you did wrong hehe:)

laughingwolf said...

damn thing would be in a million pieces or at the bottom of the pool if i was near it... so i guess the best that can be said is: the blower sucks! lol

kj said...

see baino, i got desensitized! now it's 12 hours later and i am embarrassed that i swore on your blog. please tell your visitors i am generally genteel.

it's your fault.

River said...

Ha Ha Baino, You don't have to nick a Coles trolley, ( get a Woolworths one...), they make trolleys designed to hold a laundry basket, get them from hardware stores or Bunnings. I understand about leaves on the verandah, I'd sweep them off too, but I'd use a broom, they're more earth friendly. The ones on the driveway? I'd ignore those.

Kath Lockett said...

I'm a big believer in the occasional tantrum: they're cheap, cathartic and quite clearly save a few regrettable murders.

As for your back - you need a long soak in a hot bath. Every night if you so desire.

Ces said...

Hello Baino, just came here to check on me friend. How's the olde back holding darlin?

Candie Bracci said...

LOL what a post!It reminds myself!
Not with the thingy(what's that?lol) but the swearing and impulsivity?lol ;)
But i'm sorry for your back though and no,52 isn't old!!

i beati said...

Get that back better lady darn that's enough to throw anyone into an F word tizzy Sandy

ashleigh said...

Geez thats a good tanty.

And I can REALLY identify with it because theys what @#$^%@$# 2 stroke motors do to me all the time as well.

Work of the devil, 2-strokes. Horrible bloody things.

I've only got 1 acre to worry about, and to some extend I just worry about it all less now. Not having a pool helps a lot in that dept!!

Cuppa Jo said...

tanty, pootling, narnie, banjaxed...where did all these wonderful words come from? They're marvellous!

Catharses are necessities of life. ;)

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