Dear Current Workplace
Thank you for providing me with one of the most miserable years of my working life with your silo'd structure and unfriendly staff. As if being retrenched by your best friend's business wasn't bad enough, you've made my work life horrible. From working there for 10 weeks and being totally ignored by most, to being an EA to a total fruit loop, bi-polar nazi who you eventually fired and then demoted me because the 'new guy' doesn't need an assistant.
I have had 8 workstations in as many months, been shuffled onto projects, Exec Ass to the MD with a 'short man' attitude, ignored by the other EA's the minute I left Executive and now relegated to a life of administrative pariah processing water rates, changing photocopy paper and entering data. Apologies to my lovely builder boys who have been denied the support they need because the 'other projects' might get jealous.
My colleague on the other side of my petition looks like she's been sucking lemons for a lifetime and I'm sick of running around like a blue arsed fly thanks to ridiculous demands such as "Can you print 5 x A3 x 250gsm documents and have them bound along the long edge in 10 seconds?" No I fuckin' can't, not without a magic wand! And the fact that we don't have chocolate biscuits in the board room won't stop the world turning you petty assholes . . . so . . . I'm leaving! You can take your droney work and shove it up your proverbial bottom.
Dear nice young Accounting firm
Thank you for your generous letter of offer for a Practice Manager/HR guru and for a decent salary to match. Nice try making an offer below what I'm earning now but good on you for going the extra step and raising the bar. Thank you also for being work/life balance centric and for asking me to join your happy team with FREE parking from 9th August and for understanding that I'll be there for 3 weeks before traipsing off to France for a month. I love you. I will hit the ground running! I promise!