Friday, September 05, 2008

Friday Fuckwit

Jem is a Gem. She was ClareBear's travelling companion until they reached London. Six months together and despite a few different interests, they managed to travel the Americas without incident, conquer Space Mountain and other theme park attractions, Cruise the Caribbean, luxuriate in Las Vegas, discover San Diego and San Francisco and negotiate the Eastern Cities of Washington, Boston, Salem and New York before slipping in to Montreal and staying with Friends in Toronto - and still love each other. She dropped round tonight for nibbly bits and a beer before going to a Bra Party (things have changed since I was 24). She 's the same, excitable, pretty, giggly, funny, serious gorgeous girl she was when she left and it was wonderful to hug this pretty blonde with piercing blue eyes and amazing smile.

This kid is special. Her parents broke up when she was in her teens and she went her own way. Lived away from the family unit through her year 12 studies and university. Qualified as an Occupational Therapist. She surfs (very well by all accounts), she parties - sometimes a little too hard - and yes - has been known to crash into the dog fence a couple of times due to over imbibing and I have held her hair on one occasion as she drove the porcelain bus. She's organised and pragmatic, helpful and simply delicious.

She popped in tonight to say G'day and drop off a suitcase of Clare's one of those little wheely things that I haven't yet had the courage to open because it's probably full of dirty laundry and it's raining outside so I don't need more than I already have this weekend. Might be better to contain the pong . . then again there might be a little 'essence of Clare' that I'll save for a quiet moment.

Jem is home and back at work . . Clare is in Germany and planning the next leg to Tolmeso, Salzburg, Vienna then on to Slovenia and Croatia then Spain . . only 11 weeks to go but who's counting.

Unlike Clare who usually spends her Skype time venting, talking about hostels, asking what we're up to (which is significantly insignificant) or what they ate, Jem actually 'shared' a few of their travel stories and there is no doubt they had a mad time. South America still flowing through her veins and without doubt for her, the best part of their 7 month trip so far. Gem is back working with disabled children as an Occupational Therapist, recouping and regrouping. Getting some money together and rekindling friendships and reconnecting with family and planning a new year road trip to meet up with the SA tour group.

As always, it was nice to hug a 24 year old who'd spent so much time with my own intrepid traveller.

So tonight,after a pretty awesome day (no mean feat considering I was at work) no Friday Fuckwit.

Well alright, can't disappoint the punters - this week, the award goes to a Malaysian man who decided he would squeeze his pencil dick into a 'nut'. Not a pecan or walnut but a metal nut, the type that should be secured on the other end of a bolt!

A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong.

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, (don't ask) the Star newspaper reported, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state.

Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed.

It said the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut from the unnamed welder, who is in his 20s and hoped the nut would weigh down his penis to make it longer.

On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it. (Brings a whole new meaning to the 'jaws of life').

Now gentlemen (as you're crossing your legs and shrinking with the empathy of it all) don't you know that the flaccid state is NO indication of it's erect proportions? And on that note . . I wish you a fantastic weekend!

Favourite song of the week from electro/rock duo, The Dukes of Windsor with "Get It". No connection, One for the two young wide boys out there who have just experienced part A central in London, I hope you at least scored "Just one passionless kiss" take care . . .


Ces Adorio said...

Doesn't Jem make you miss Clare more? I think it's a great feeling for a Mother when their children's friends visit them while the children are away.

As for those Malaysian men, they are the entertainment for the audience before the main event - U.S. emergency and trauma room cases which left my jaw gaping and called God's name hundreds of times and bombarded and blasted away my virginal mind. Nothing will ever surprise me again when it comes to men playing and experimenting with the size, girth, length and depth of their penises, scrota and rectums. The worse thing: because I was young, new and virginal, my American nurses friends sent me to care for these cases while they hollered in the medication room. I was always professional. I smile when I recall those events now but only reserve them for the most solemn and formal occasions to get my audience in trouble for giggling and laughing.

Anonymous said...

Glad you had that evening with Jem! I used to love meeting with or having Elly's friends call round when she was away.

The thoughts of those guys is enough to have me walking with knocked knees for a week!

Thriftcriminal said...

So this Jem is available then? Oh, wait, I'm married, in my mid 30s and in need of more exercise and on the other side of the globe, slim chance so.

What sort of a tweelix is that guy? Jeez, if he wants it bigger get a bee to sting it, that'll sort it out. Aparently in feudal Japan it was fashionable to stab it with a chopstick and bung a steel ball in (DIY piercing?) to create a "love bump", I think ribbed condoms are a less painful way forward.

Baino said...

Ah Ces, my mother was a nurse and some of the 'stories' she once had to remove a ping pong ball from the back passage of a man . .why, what? I mean kids sticking a pea up their nose is nothing! (Yes, my nephew did) Only the smell alerted us to something awry! You deserve a medal!

Baino said...

GM quite a few of Clare's friends keep in touch and I love the contact. Although they are her friends and I have to remain cogniscent of that. Travelling for such a long time sorts the real friends from the fairweather. I've known these kids for a long time and love that they stay in touch.

Baino said...

Haha can I steal 'tweelix' God no wonder I love the Irish! Well you'd know what's what but frankly even I crossed my legs when I heard that one. See, we're not impressed by size, it's functionality that counts. An iPod shuffle does the same thing as a sub woofer if you know what I mean! (Tell you boy, you make me laugh just about every day! Thanks a bunch)

Kate said...

Oh, Salzburg! One of my very favorite cities in the world. I hope she is properly directed to the beer hall for a stone mug o' bier, and if she has any love at all for the movie "The Sound of Music," then the tour is totally worth it, if only for the apple strudel with hot vanilla sauce at the cafe up near the church.

Sigh. My brain is having a hard time accepting that it's been over 9 years since we were there.

laughingwolf said...

hiya jem, you ARE a gem! :)

baino, i'm sure men have tried even more ridiculous ways to 'impress' a lady, but these two are truly friday fuckwits...

hope your weekend's great :D

Christopher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christopher said...

Sounds like Jem is a true diamond in the rough.
About that Malaysian guy, though, I couldn't help wondering, after reading that the "nut got stuck on his penis following an erection" why he didn't just take a cold shower or think about Margaret Thatcher...on second thoughts it could have been thinking about her that got him into that state in the first place. There's no accounting for taste, after all.
I was also interested to read that they had to "cut away a top layer of skin". I'm assuming that was from the shaft and did not require the services of a moyl. But it still reminds me of summer camp when we'd all joke that the cook served chipped beef whenever the nearby hospital had been performing a lot of circumcisions.

Moon said...

Think I would also like a hug from a hot 24 yr old !!

Why are men soooo obsessed with the size ..... it's what you can do is the key !

Anonymous said...

Aw .. that's so sweet! I can imagine the feeling.

As for the guys with the nuts and steel rings ... hahaha! I bet they lived to regret their little experiments! Kind of put a kink in the first guy's plans, I bet! LOL!


Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

11 weeks will fly!
I read a similar story about some plonker who decided to use a hoover to pleasure himself. He did some serious damage!

Baino said...

Kate been 12 since I was there! It is beautiful, we were there just before the Salzburg Festival and the place was a Buzz. We did do a 'Sound of Music' tour but it was rather disappointing - not so the coffee and cake!

Wuffa . . mmm the mind boggles. There was another article on the radio this week about some nit wit who decided having sex with a slatted park bench might be a good idea . . got stuck of course! GAH!

She is a Gem Christopher as for 'chipped beef' I don't even want to know what part of the animal that comes from!

Steady there Mooon, married man and all that! Yeh, I miss my girl hugs I must say. Quality not quantity I say.

Jay . .kinky alright!

Quickie . . .I didn't realise how many stories of male misadventure I've heard! Definitely heard of the vacman or maybe there are more than one! Dear God what was he thinking.

And what brave men you all are talking of circumcision and shafts when I know you're all cringing at the thought!

Bimbimbie said...

Won't be too long before your own gem is sitting across from you.

As for the FF do you suppose his bride to be is still interested in his damaged goods*!*

Baino said...

Tsup Bimbimbie, I've yet to unpack the suitcase and I'm really hoping it isn't full of putrid clothes, it's raining hard! Well I hope his wedding is a little way off or that'll be a disappointing honeymoon!

Unknown said...

mm, a show-er or a grow-er? that is the question...

Megan said...

Jem sounds like a fantastic chick. The penis growers not so much!

Hope it stops raining soon. Have a wonderful weekend!