Healthy Tadpoles

I was listening to TripleJ on the way to work this morning and heard that pregnant women bearing male foetuses (or is it foetii) who eat a lot of red meat run the risk of their sons being infertile. This got me thinking about infertility - it is Friday after all and the mind tends to wander around lunchtime - so I wondered and found some very interesting information on how to preserve/maintain male fertility. (All in the name of Newsletter Research of course because I'm hard at it - work that is!) So c'mon boys do your bit for the planet and give the girls a rest from calendar watching, taking temperatures, waving their legs in the air for 15 minutes after sex or suffering the indignity of IVF . . get those tadpoles swimming . . . here are some practical guidelines on maintaining your potency.

Don't have intercourse more than three times a week. More frequent intercourse may reduce the number of viable sperm in the semen. (I can see that working)

Time intercourse to coincide with ovulation, which usually occurs midway between menstrual periods. (That's once a month fellas!)

After intercourse, spend ten to fifteen minutes quietly in each other's arms before getting up. (No problem, he'll fall asleep straight away)

Exercise regularly but moderately (no, sex is not moderate exercise). Maintaining a high level of physical fitness increases the possibility of conception.

Avoid excessive consumption of alcohol (Nooooooooo!)

Try to eliminate the stress in your life as much as possible. (hari krishna, hare hare, krishna krishna . . ohm maddy paddy ohm)

Don't smoke (the sex had better be good, no durries or beer!)

Stay cool: A man should not wear underwear that holds his testicles close to his body. Sperm require cool temperatures to remain active. Avoid hot baths, hot tubs, jacuzzis, saunas, and steam baths. These indulgences may reduce stress and create a sensual mood, but they can also reduce your ability to impregnate your partner. (So if you made it in the jacuzzi, it's all over red rover!)

Do not take any drugs except those prescribed by your physician. (Drugs are bad for you. Mkay)

Do not consume animal fats, fried foods, sugar, or junk foods. Do eat pumpkin seeds, bee pollen, or royal jelly. (No of course! Go for something that comes out of a bee's bottom!)

Eating, half a dozen oysters, lean red meat, and crab may help. They all contain a high level of zinc, which is essential for motility and production of sperm. (Well at least you can eat well even if you have given up durries and beer and your beloved budgie smugglers)

Strict adherence to a gluten-free diet has enabled some previously sterile men to become fathers. (I take back what I said about the food, rice cakes and semolina?)

Good luck you father's to be . . .