Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hysterectomies are Hysterical

There are few events that lead to me eating Conoisseur Gand Marnier Ice Cream with choc coated almonds from the tub and alternating with Weiss Passionfruit and Cream icecream or washing my curtains. These apparently are my deep stress release valves.

Why am I indulging in these mad antics? Well I don't talk about my health, I am rarely unwell apart from moaning constantly when I get a cold and I don't particularly like old people who go on and on about their varicose veins or sit at the table rubbing their tennis elbows and arthritic knees. I can't stand being peered at over bi-focals and listening to complaints of failing eyesight. Of course I'm sympathetic to the frail and ill but there is the tendency to go on about it just a tad too long, just a smidge too often. And, in my lifetime, I've only ever been in hospital to have my tonsils out, a quick de-coke and valve grind after a miscarriage and two babies.

However today I have had to absorb a lot of information - too much information. Besides the Crimson Wave turning into a Sunami over recent months I've enjoyed rude health. However, recent examinations into the explosion of mensus have revealed that my reproductive system, useless as it is, is in fact not worthy of being carried around by me any longer. I wanted to lose weight but this is ridiculous. A decent sized lump on my left ovary and a thwacking great fibroid in my once productive womb have necessitated a number of humiliating probes and prods and more blood tests than I care to admit to. Now that I have tracks on my inside arm and the digging and delving is over I have finally acquainted myself with a rather handsome South African gyneocologist who has seen more of me than any of my lovers ever did and managed to smile through the process and talk about old times.

Apparently, I am to have my womanhood removed on 29th November (I checked out his hands to make sure they weren't shaking) . . . so look out Thommo, Struth Ruth, TheTeacher, Arky and Sparky . . . my visit with you next month is the last big bang and I intend to behave badly.

At least 6 days in hospital and an inability to drive for 4 weeks will be long enough to kick the bad habits. Who knows, I might finally achieve my New Year's resolution of losing weight, giving up smoking and getting laid (well the first two are on the cards). If I ask him nicely, I wonder if he'll throw a tummy tuck into the bargain. And, I avoid that menopausal thing apart, I am told, from a tendency to flush hot now and then. Oh joy and in the summer heat to boot!

So don't feel sorry for me. I'll do plenty of that myself. But here's your big chance to get it off your chest, compare scars, tell me your stitched up stories . . . I want this to be light and entertaining so no staff infections please.

. . .now . . .who's gonna lend me a laptop six days without blogs or email and I'll go ballistic!


Anonymous said...

I don't feel sorry for you and this post is hysterical! Banned from mentioning staff infections I have nothing else to add except I hope someone else lends you a laptop :) Okay, I'm squirming with a nasty look on my face thinking about all those probes you've just been through.

Daz said...

I have an entertaining scar shaped exactly like a triangle from a time when I fell into a patch of nettles.

Asides from that, I could list off the hilarious stories I've heard from the hospital - such as the guy who got hit by a golfball hit from a rooftop ...

Grannymar said...

I remember A Gynaecologist years ago approaching me to carry out an internal examination. It was back when the speculums were made of steel. As he stood in front of me he said “Now relax Grannymar!”

Quick as lightening I lifted my head and said “If I stood in front of you all gloved and waving a hunk of cold steel, would you be able to relax?”

“Well do the best you can.” He said.

“You too!” I replied.

And to make you smile:

A Consultant was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman he asked:

"So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.

The Consultant then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a plastic tube labelled "KY Jelly."

Kate said...

Ah well. With a little luck, you'll get some darn good drugs to help float through the rough spots.

And you know I'd let you use my laptop if it weren't for the 24-hour flight and all...

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

A South African gynecologist, eh? All the good ones leave - no wonder I mutter about the healthcare here. Sigh. I can recommend a good plastic surgeon for any nips and tucks - but you'd have to go to Tasmania...
Well think of it this like this - now you get to be sports model.
Hope it all goes smoothly, Baino and that you'll be feeling just grand before too long. Sending tea and sympathy in the meantime - more will follow.
And for goodness sake, will someone get the woman a laptop - we'll be lost without her!

Baino said...

Anon:Nice pun. I now know what to expect if I'm abducted by aliens

Daz:Where's your scar? Wish you were my wardsman *wink* we could have gurney fun.

GM: I've got news for you. Speculums are still made of steel! He had a drawer full of tortuous instruments and I'm not even going to mention the 'special' chair.

Kate: There's always mail? You've got six weeks to get it here (the laptop that is)

AV: I don't know how many times I have to tell you - champagne and chocolate not tea and sympathy. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I won't be off the air long.

Nonny said...

Had a few scars, a long bout of deafness and a miscarriage but the best scar was one I inflicted and not one I sustained myself. In the throws of a rather drunken night of passion. I had to vomit and leaned over the headboard as I sat back down I lost my balance, all off my weight fell on one knee which in turn fell on himself, yes there was blood and stitches, strangely enough a similar thing happened to a friend of mine not so long ago.

My mam had a hysterectomy before Christmas same thing, she was in hospital for about 5-6 days she was sore alright but said it was definitely not as bad as she had anticipated. I went to the hospital daily helped her wash, dress, pointed, laughed, put her slippers at the other end of the bed so she couldn’t reach them, brought her Mac Donalds and such. Will your daughter be there to help?

O and if we weren’t geographically challenged I would most definitely lend you my laptop :)

Jefferson Davis said...

Aww...poor Baino. You better have a laptop and a mic, so I, along with the rest of the gang, can hear you tell us about the hot nurses, and...ehm...the docs as well, I reckon? :)

How 'bout tea and chocolates? We've got to keep you off the liquor for a bit, right? :)

Trust me, you do not want to hear my hospital horror stories. :) I kidd!!!

Baino said...

Nonny: Spewing on your headboard whilst having sex? You're a class act kid! And I could prolly do without that kind of help but yes, both kids are around thankfully.

JD: Stop propagating this dreadful rumour that I'm a piss pot, one broken glass on a podcast and I'm branded for life! Although five days in the clean zone could be good for me.

Nonny said...

Ah no I was really nice to her !!

Brianf said...

I shall not tell you about my nephrectomy or my splenectomy nor my colon cancer.
When I chopped the end of my finger off making dinner a few years ago it was pretty cool watching the Doc sew it back on.

Baino said...

Brian: Howdy stranger. We have to talk tomorrow! I too am a finger hacker. And that's not an IT term.

Baino said...

Nonny: so you should be. Respect the mother goddess I say (actually I didn't but I like the concept)

Daz said...

On my left knee. And I have found wheelchair Olympics on the weekends to be the best fun to be had in the hospital ...