Monday, February 18, 2008

I'm a Caramello Koala - Really!

OK for 360 days of the year, I'm pretty amenable, happy, content, supportive, ambitious, conscientious, fulfilled but every now and then I get down in the dumps and today is one of those milestone days where if I had a weapon I might just use it.

I feel compulsed to remind myself (and a couple of others) that this is my blog. It's personal, boring, sometimes mildly entertaining and I'm lucky and very flattered that a few people choose to comment on it but it is a reflection of what's going on in my head. It's impulsive, unedited. I'm not getting paid for it and I'm not looking to win any grand awards. I don't advertise on it or promote it. It's public because when I first started I didn't have a clue about setting it up and once the comments started, I liked the interaction with others and still do. But it always was and still is a way for my kids to look on what a strange fish their mother is, her politics, her social conscience, her musical taste, her occasional sense of humour and mundane existence.(God I'm even talking about myself in the third person which is something I also hate!) My mother used to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", my father simply said "Be nice . . " I'm finding that harder and harder to do these days. I don't think my epitaph will ever say "She was a nice person." Today I don't feel very nice.

Little things annoy me, big things annoy me, in-between things annoy me. Today I was empty headed and vacant. Completely lacking in concentration, motivation or care. Not just unhappy, not just grumpy and I don't mean to belittle those who suffer from chronic and devastating depression but there was a dark cloud hanging over me from 7am that didn't rain and didn't move on and I don't know why which disturbs me more than I can say because of all things I'm very pragmatic and level headed and feel there should be a logical explanation for everything. I should have taken a friend's advice early this morning and had a sickie! A sanity day! But that goes against my high moral code.

I don't know what's come over me. I feel jipped, short-changed, lonely and wallowing in self pity. I'm miserable and focussing unnecessarily on the negative. I am careless and slap-dash, unenthused and bored. I am broke and beligerant . . . I'm sick of a leaking roof, old cars, broken washing machines and noisy hot water pipes. I'm over walking on eggshells just so that others don't feel uncomfortable. I've had enough of tiny bedrooms and an unsatisfying water saving shower. I'm over a gigantic back yard that never seems to be tidy. I've had it with dog hair and lizard poo and flies in my garbage bin and spiders on my roof. I hate my ageing furniture and grubby couches, holland blinds and fly screens that don't fit properly. I'm tired of a mail box whose lid falls off every time I pick up the mail. I'm tired of picking up the mail when everyone gets home before me and just waits for it to be delivered. I've had it with being woken up at midnight with next door's U2 blaring Vertigo and Queen Alive. I'm frustrated with being such a creature of habit and being so bloody predictable. I'm annoyed that there's no space in MY shed for more than a tractor, saddle and an old wardrobe because it's full of other people's stuff. And if that Tim Forster Greenwood rings me one more time to say that Mulpha Norwest are interested in our block I'll bloody knee cap him with Adam's baseball bat . . my hopes are raised and thwarted on a weekly basis.

After tackling Drummerboy and ClareBear's bedrooms, I hate the meaningless clutter that's accumulated over the years but haven't the heart to throw it away. Who needs a 10cm statue of Eric Cantona or a broken Mitsubishi Magna Tail light on their dressing table! I'm sick of this depressing grey weather and sticky humidity. Melbourne give us your SUNSHINE! Your citizens are used to the gloom. I'm bored with my clothes and hate my hair and my body shape. I can't stand the two disgustingly mangy dogs that insist on 'nesting' in our camelia hedge and kicking bark all over the verandah and carport. I'm sooo over the junk on the verandah even though half of it's mine!

Even my lipsticks are brown, monchromatic and lacklustre everything seems 'beige'. I feel achy and neglected like some old Weatherboard House that was once lustrous and welcoming. I have a real "Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More" demeanour. I'm anti-social and scathing. Rude and impertinent. Unmotivated and unhappy. I'm disappointed in relationships, fed up with a job that I once loved and now loathe. I'm ashamed of my laziness and lament the loss of my sense of humour of late. I've come to despise trivial conversation and shallow people. Yep. Today I am the epitome of a grumpy old woman.

Ahh . . just one of those days . . I'll get over it but for now . . . indulge me . . I'm having a little wallow! Doesn't everyone feel like this now and again?

Ah, "Self pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable" (Maya Angelou - American Poet)

Even though I feel like a mint crisp, all cold and crunchy in the middle, I'm really like a Caramello Koala, hard on the outside but all squishy and sweet in the middle!


steph said...

Aaah! Big (((HUGS)))

Poor Baino - we all have days like that, the only difference being not all of us are insightful enough or honest enough, to admit to it.

You are someone I admire enormously and your appetite for life leaves me breathless!

You deserve hundreds of awards but today I'm going to award you a "Treat Yourself Day". Time to re-charge those batteries with something exclusively for YOU!

Go for it! Baino

Grannymar said...

Baino, sleep well and dream of coming to Ireland later this year. We might even award you with a party!

Thriftcriminal said...

Thriftcriminal said...

BTW your response to my comment on spiders on an earlier post had me confused for about 15 seconds, until I translated thong into flip-flop. During the intervening time the image of using rubber underwear to catapult the spiders away flashed through my confused mind - thought that might make you laugh.

ian said...

Black dog day, Baino.

You got through it.

Kate said...

You go right ahead and wallow. You've had plenty of stress lately and you've earned some wallow. I'll wait my turn, no hurry.

Baino said...

Ah . . self pitying moment over. Nothing's as bad as it seems. All off my chest now! It's all good. Steph, you overestimate me really.

GrannyMar, thanks for the chat last night.

Thanks Thrifty, good advice and it made me smile. By the way I forgot to mention that I have a hole in my wisdom tooth where a piece of chewing gum removed my old filling! Busting the cycle today!

Ian, we all have 'em and sometimes for no particular reason.

Kate: I'm done, your turn!

morinn said...

There are some days like these when the best thing you could ever do is to stay at home away from absolutely everything because everything and everyone feels annoying. Oh I know this feeling all too well! Aargh!

Baino said...

Bienvenue Morinn! Shame you dropped in on my cranky post. Come back when I'm in a good mood :) Yeh, in retrospect, I should have had a day off but too much to do at work.

Terence McDanger said...

Ah God yeah, we all have those days.I get mine Mon-Fri every week.

Nothing a big tub of ice cream, a few beers and a refusal to do anything other than watch TV dosn't cure.

My God, I've just realised I'm a woman.

Anonymous said...

I'm a day late ... oh well ;) Been busy screaming like a banshee again. I blame the WEATHER and it's just started raining AGAIN!!!!! I love how you very often honestly write my thoughts into words :)

nonny said...

Ahhh Baino dude, what gives? For all the householdy thingys why don’t you make a list and tackle one at a time. You don’t have to get somebody to do most of it, come on now I am sure you can fix the mail box yourself, get a DIY book, or Google it. Any man I have ever been with has been utterly useless in the DIY department, but hey that is the price you pay, when they are good in bed you have to sacrifice something, ahh no I kid, I kid. Seriously though, to date I have painted, varnished, hung doors, damp proofed walls, re-plastered, recovered Misses Kelly’s sofa, replaced the glass in the doors and lots of other shite that I won’t bore you with. I was poor when I bought my first house, damn fucking poor (Oh bitter memories). As for the boredom, I’m sure there is something you enjoy doing, for me it is running, it is a serious mood enhancer. I can only hope I am like an anti Christ before this years marathon, it will reflect positively on my timing. Think off something you want to do, a course or club or something, something (pardon the gayness) fulfilling.

I hope tomorrow is better for you sweetie!

Baino said...

Terrence: I think we've established that you really are a metrosexual and a big girl's blouse! No shame in that my boy!

Anony: birds of a feather! haha no pun intended. Happy to vocalise your frustrations but it won't happen too often now that I have no moon cycle!

Nonny: I'm normally very self sufficient and motivated. Just got on top of me yesterday. I'm fine today and will finish the shelving in the lad's bedroom, install his TV and attempt to pull some Coax through the wall (although I might need someone to crawl through the roof for that one!) If I had sex that would be good. If I had a handiman that would be better. If I had a sexy handiman, I'd be over the moon! Sadly, I have none!

gayƩ said...

I am so glad you let it all out and shared that with me (well I can only speak on behalf of myself, no?)
There are days I feel like that and they usually manifest themselves in a mood that noone wants to be exposed to. I find that I tidy up, clean up and throw out stuff, OR go get a haircut.
Hope you felt better the next day, I'd give you a big hug if I were there!