Saturday, February 02, 2008

Pashology 101

It's weird but I haven't had a serious relationship for a very long time yet for some reason I'm asked advice on relationships or offer it whether solicited or not. I've become a sort of Agony Aunt without the agony to a variety of people, mostly men but also a few women. I'm not sure how this has happened and I hope the advice I dispense is valuable but not taken too seriously. It's not that I haven't had a lot of life experience, indeed, I've had enough but I sometimes think I'm probably very out of touch with the mainstream apart from my ability to live vicariously through my kids and their friends or my friends and their friends. I don't have the face of a frontier psychiatrist or sex counsellor. I look rather grumpy and slightly mad most of the time, So what makes me appealing as a confidente? I really don't know.

I had a girl at work ask me what she should do about her stalled relationship, a couple of younglings drop in regularly to offload about their frustrations and joys, a couple more bloglings who seek guidance on all sorts of issues and this week a teary 24 year old lamenting lost love.

I think it's because I'm a questionning person. Some would say nosey but it's not like that. I'm not a busy body or a gossip, I'm genuinely interested in people I like. Asking questions about them gives me some insight into who they are and helps me develop a relationship - even with those I've never met. I don't mind, I'm happy to impart my opinion or advice through past experiences but I have no qualifications, I could be leading you all astray and I really have no idea what I'm talking about. So having put the disclaimer in place:

The latest enquiry was about the fine art of kissing. What's appropriate and when. To use the tongue or not to use the tongue. It was pretty intimidating to tell you the truth to offer an opinion on something that I haven't done in a romantic sense for quite a while. Thank goodness as one ages, the long term memory outlives the short. Plus, I've had many hot tips from ClareBear on what makes a great kisser. Some press too hard, some are sloppy, some to fluid, some just boring. Others are gentle and lingering . . . one dalliance she had last year put The Cricketer in the "best kisser in the world" category (which worried me slightly as I wondered just how many she'd pashed). The fact that he was a complete sociopath explains why even as the world's best, he received short shrift. So, through vicarious living, extended research and my own experience here are some hot tips on how to place a pash:

The Pub/Party Pash:
A couple of options here. There's the dance floor pash which is always good if you're unsure of the person you're with because if they're crap, you can walk away when the next track is played or make excuses about getting a drink or going to the loo. Or for the men, there's the against-the wall-hands-placed-above-and-beside-the-head pash. Makes your guns look virile and the babe feel small and feminine. Again, if she doesn't like it, she can do the underarm dash and if she does, you can press forward and who knows where that might lead. Gentlemen, make sure you're wearing deodorant for this one.
Of course the ultimate party pash is the couch potato or grab a bed pash. These can be dangerous precursors for women, hopeful at best for men. Whilst the pash might be hot . . the result may not. Make sure she's interested before going the grope and make sure he's decent before sneaking off to the boudoir. If you're under the affluence of incahol. Best to stay on the couch and there WILL be repercussions should you meet again. Be careful that you pick your target wisely.

The First Date Pash
The 'leave them wanting more but let them know you're interested' kiss. This one is usually in the car or on the doorstep, outside the nightclub or even in the lobby before you go your separate ways. It's sweet, gentle, short and tender and is usually followed by an exchange of phone numbers or Facebook addresses. Definitely in the French style but not to horny. Get the picture? Tongue optional but unless you're sexually repressed or English, I'd go for the Hollywood Kiss (see video)

The Hot Sex Pash
Ahh . . big pash before, definitely using the tongue . . you can get as into it as you like at this point in time but save the tonsil hockey. Let that carbon dioxide between you give you the woosy feeling that's so euphoric (sorry to be scientific but that's what lulls you into a feeling of euphoric bliss - a shortage of oxygen) Do the deed . . . throw in a few nibbly bits and gentle kisses during the the lovemaking but always finish with a lingering kiss. Take advantage of it girls because within seconds he'll have rolled over and begun to snore or have turned on the TV to see the footy results.

The 'I Like Watching You Wash Up Pash'
More intimate than you're average casual pash. This one's reserved for the young marrieds or defactos. The arms around the waste while you're busy doing something that limits your resistance. Starts on the nape of the neck and ends on the lips and usually involves rubber gloves and soapy water or a sneeze inducing duster or even a dish of baby food. Not recommended before you go to work unless you mind a wet patch on your business clothes.

The Drive By Pash
The quick snatch and grab, brush past, plant a softie with a little bit of tongue then do the dash before the recipient knows what's happened. Arouses curiosity, draws a smile and saves the promise of saving the best for later. Great for gauging interest. If their eyes don't follow you, you've mad a faux pas but saved yourself real embarrassment.

The EnglishPash
I can only speak for English men but the rule is, close your eyes, don't use your tongue, think of England and realise that it will be all over in a moment. I have yet to be kissed well by an Englishman and it's not from lack of trying!

The Get-a-Room Pash
For some reason, we see fewer of these and I think it's a good thing. The couple who can't keep their hands and lips away from each other in public places. I for one have nothing against public signs of affection - holding hands, a brush of the hair, a quick peck but as for the full on, rolling in the grass, grope snog in the middle of Centennial Park amongst the horse riders, dog walkers and small children . . nup. Get a room!

Now if you can kiss like Kate and Sawyer from Lost - give me a call, I'm definitely interested!

Feel free to offer more hot tips on Pashology I will incorporate them into the curriculum.


babysis said...

Oh my dear only comment on this one is BRING BACK THE PUBLIC SNOG IN THE PARK. Nothing and I mean NOTHING beats the beautiful sunny Sydney day in a park with the one you love on a rug having a snuggle and a pash....and absolutely DO NOT take this any further than the pash and the stroke of the hair....its just poetry in motion...bring it back!

Baino said...

Hahaha. You're a cack! I've pashed and worse in many public places but not in the public eye. Nup . .don't wanna watch someone else's super snog! Feels great, looks 'orrible. We have kids from the local high school pashing in the park adjacent to our office and they don't realise that we can see them through the dark glass WHOA! If only their mother's knew where their hands had been! We have scores for 'moves'.

Nick said...

I didn't know so many English men were terrified of kissing. How disappointing for you gals. Personally I love kissing, I can't get enough of it, I love long lingering tender kisses and so does Jenny. I think kissing is a real litmus test of how close to each other you really are.

Grannymar said...

Why are you consulted? Well you told us why - 'I'm genuinely interested in people' is why!

Pash in the Park, I'm with you on this one. Much prefer doing than watching.

Right that is the refresher on theory covered, now to find a Toyboy for the practical exam!

Jefferson Davis said...

Wow! Intriguing and very Informative post, Baino. :) There is nothing better than a prolonged and fiery osculation! But, I am a man and eventually want to get down to business! :)

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

LOL! There's a book on pashing in the making here. Move over Dr Ruth, Dr Baino is setting up her own couch!

Baino said...

Nick: You old schmooze you! But seriously, for many kissing is way more intimate than sex.

GM: Keep you're eyes peeled, we need 2! I'm thinking about giving practical tutorials to the inexperienced.

JD: "Osculation" crikey, sounds like a science experiment and 'Business' oh dear, you'd better enrol for Pashology Intermediate.

AV: Ahh the beauty of living vicariously and owning a good long term memory! I do have more . . illicit pashing, dealing with braces and the importance of dental hygeine! As well as a number of warnings on how to cope with the morning after pashing someone you don't really like!

nonny said...

I would never seek relationship advise but, like you I am often consulted, which is quite odd as most people that know me are well aware that I don’t really give a shit about them, yeah I like being in one and sure I want kids as some stage but I’d sooner be single than take shit. Despite what other bloggers may think, I am not very argumentative. I can never understand why people who argue constantly stay together, I know myself I would never get to the stage of relationship counselling, I would have left well before that. If you are not happy, call it a day. Sure you need to compromise and yeah you’ll have grievances but air them, then build a wall and get over it. Life is to short for constant fighting. This is not a rehearsal people!!
The most common relationship question to arise in my circle of friends is how long you should wait to jump on the good foot and do the bold thing with a potential keeper. The general consensus is if it’s just a one off, its open season (not my words mind) and if it has potential do not “put out” as mon petit mofo would say on the first night. However, I am a prude but my friends, well, their hoors, dirty, dirty hoors!

Anonymous said...

Don't think it's your being a 'questionning person' so much as being an open person about yourself Baino, which provokes others to trust you. That, and not being 'open' about others to a public audience makes you a confidente :) Your kissing post is NOT good timing for me because picturing Bearman as I read each kiss knowing he's in the back of a truck right now VOMITING! HAHAHAHHAAA

Baino said...

Nonny: Serious words them. Glad you're not willing to put up with a bad relationship. I know many who do. As for 'putting out' (hate that it's so American) each to his own I guess. Personally, I'd like a few dates first. Not much of a one night stander the few (well two) I've had . . .made me feel a bit of a slurry!

Anony: Thanks, I think you're right, what you see/read/hear is what you get. Heart on sleeve girl, that's me and sorry to hear about Bearman. Yep. Steer well away until he's back to his romantic self.