I have been banking with you since my first pay packet was electronically credited to my Freedom (ha!!) account in 1975. Whilst my balance has never been much at the end of the month I have never in all these years had a dishonoured cheque. In 1988 I received an insurance payout of $350,00 which sat in my account for a number of months until invested. For that short time, I was a "Gold Client" and received unwanted attention from your 'private bankers'. My children were given birthday cards and I received a very nice Christmas card for investing so much in my account.
The following 10 years saw a number of long term deposits and investments and the greeting cards continued. As my fortunes changed, I no longer have long term investments with you. I pay fees to withdraw from your ATMs, I pay fees for the priviledge of paying my bills online, I pay fees just because you 'keep' my account, I even pay to talk to one of your absent minded non-English speaking tellers.
Today, my farrier rang, as embarrassed as I, because you dishonoured a $70 cheque a nanosecond prior to my pay being deposited and charged him $10 for the privelidge. You know, that I get paid on the 15th of the month. You know that cheques take up to 5 days to clear yet you dishonoured the cheque immediately upon presentation. You are also to be commended for having the attention span to seize that brief window of opportunity and debiting my already negative account of $45 that I didn't have, due to the inconfuckingvenience caused to your bank.
Last month, you paid your shareholders a dividend, your profits have been unhurt by the sub prime mortgage scandals. You are fucking closed until 9.00 am and again at 5.00 so that honest working people can't get there during the day and you even charge me to spend my entire lunch hour queueing with snotty nosed, small children, covered in soggy rusk and swinging like apes from your cord barricade and some old duck farting around changing her one pound sterling for small change so that she can pay the bus fare home.
You are sycophantic pricks of the highest order. I don't mind paying a dishonour fee but the least you could do is cover a cheque presented one day before my pay is transferred or dishonour it after the four day clearing period. I know why you do it because you cock suckers manage to eek $2.6 billion in dishonour fees each year. It's a business in it's own right. Then you dickwads have the nerve to offer me more credit on my Master Card which has since been cut therapeutically into a thousand tiny pieces and stuffed in your night safe!
I didn't charge you when you made that mistake and banked my cheque with the opposition. I didn't get all rambunctions and pugnacious when you stuffed up my tax deposit. I didn't even hit the guy behind the glass who said they don't do foreign exchange on Wednesdays cos they're too busy with Age Pension transactions (I would have if the little prick wasn't standing behind a crash screen). I didn't complain after a number of your automatic tellers devoured my card for no reason. I didn't complain when I was cold-called by one of your fucking insurance agents which is completely against the law.
I am no longer banking with you. I am joining a credit union. They do not charge account keeping fees, they do not charge to use their ATMs. I know of one that is open at 8am and doesn't close until 6 and is open all day Saturday. They don't charge me to stand in the queue or talk to a helpful person not wearing a daft red artist's bow and their shareholders are the very people who bank with them i.e. ME!
So stick that up your green dragon's water-tight arse and smoke it.
If I wasn't bothered by a sticky end I'd have a go at this: