Thursday, September 04, 2008


I hate my hair. It's strange because I have so many other flaws to worry about - being overweight, looking decidedly middle aged, nibbling my nails (although not since buying the manicure shit from the pretty Brasilian last week), losing my temper, having a cleaning fetish and no fashion sense! But nope, it's the hair that gets the brunt of my frustration and self-loathing.

When I was younger it was a wavy thick mass of auburn, shiny goodness. The sort of hair you took out of a french roll and it fell winningly around my face and shoulders. (God who says winningly!) In my childhood it was worth running your fingers through - however inappropriate that might seem and it and matched my brown eyes perfectly. Seriously, I liked it.

Through my late teens, I used to wash it then flatten it seriously with a silk scarf before using a plethora of tongs and curlers and dryers and twisters to give me that alluring femme fatale look.

By the time I finished University, I'd mastered the 80's boofy look (I couldn't work out how to spell the Carlton Cressley trademark "zhuzhhhh") and used pretty combs and glitz for a bit of glamour. As kids came along, short and practical took lead and until my daughter told me that my hair, combined with my love of trousers and sensible shoes made me look like a lesbian (and she accuses me of stereotyping) I decided to let it grow a little longer. Don't get me wrong, the gay comment didn't phase me, it was the thought that perhaps I was sending the wrong message that needed correcting.

I did have it chemically straightened once but I had it coloured at the same time and ended up losing clumps . The good side, I had free haircuts from my lovely hairdresser for a year she felt so guilty.

All went quite well for a year or two until I asked DrummerBoy to snip a couple of inches off it while it was wet and ended up with a triangle head resembling Wallace's girlfriend Gwendoline! Actually, it was the same haircut that Halle Berry had for a while but didn't look half as nice as hers! If I was black, I'd have great hair!

Gwendolene November 2007

Now 12 months later, (seriously, I haven't been to a hairdresser since November 2007) it's in dire need of a trim and a professional colour, one with loads of foils and highlights. The infiltration of wiry grey made it even more unmanageable and I'd die without the help of No Frizz Defining Curls.

Naturally ladies, in my refusal to grow old gracefully, I dye my own hair. $12 worth of Preference Nut Brown and a shit load of Vaseline around the hairline to prevent the appearance if instant strawberry birthmarks and Bob's yer uncle for 12 weeks until the rootage shows through. I've ruined many a T shirt in this process and now have a delightfully blotched number that is reserved just for the hair tinting process. Between hair dye and bleach splodges, I've barely got an item of clothing that hasn't been tainted by the cleaning or dyeing process.

I took half a day off today to go to my old hairdresser, who now has a little salon in her garage. She also has curly hair and I've never known anyone who can cut it with such style and precision. However, because she's a yummy single mummy, her hours are short and her bookings harder than getting elective surgery on the national health.

I plonked along dutifully at 9am to greet the lovely Michelle who looked a little surprised . Then she hasn't seen me for about 4 years so . . . nope, I hadn't changed that much. In fact she commented that I 'looked good' (love hairdressers, they always say the right thing). But apparently I was . six days early! My appointment is for next Tuesday! Damnit I'd even taken my book to start whilst 'proving' during the colouring process. So with tail between my legs, I cranked up the Honda - had to dip home first because thinking I was going to be coiffed, I had paid no attention to my mass of frizzy goodness - and arrived at work an hour and a half late. It seems my forgetfulness is a point of much hilarity with the underlings who delighted in telling me that I'm an old fart, losing the plot and have the memory of a gold fish!

Thommo emailed and said "Are you bewfulls" . . upon hearing the story replied "You Looney"

Better still TheBoss (unaware that I had arrived without the 'do') "Jesus, I hope you didn't pay for that haircut!" Smartass!

That's for Jay at the Depp Effect - maybe now she'll put me on her blogroll! He he he! Shameless plug. And God he's got great hair!


Miladysa said...

"(and she accuses me of stereotyping)" roflmao

I always wanted long curly auburn hair! Want to swap for my baby fine 'blonde'? You get to keep the goldfish memory though - mine's just as bad :-D

i beati said...

funny funny post sad but funny just teasing .sandy

Grannymar said...

Wouldn't it be worse if you had no hair!

Hugs from another ex auburn curly (read tangles)tressed babe.

Ces said...

I love that hair. What do you call that curl? It's It's nice to run one's fingers through that mane. I love it when women complain about their hair, their weight, their breasts, their clothes, their gait, their teeth, their accent. I love it especially when the whinning is senseless because you gaze into their eyes and you work with them Monday to Friday and you see that they are beautiful in every way and you just shake your head because women have to complain, they just have to complain. That is why I like the blogs. You see the beauty of every person without having to deal with questions like "Are my breasts too big?" "Do I look okay?" I also notice in the blogs that the attractive ones always do the complaining.

Moon said...

Good work, see thats why I just shave mine off !, Mrs M is making an appointment in London, specially to see 'her' personal hairdressser !. I do my own, much cheaper !!!

Christopher said...

At least you never said a word about men having it easy, because we don't. Yes, most men can wash it and go (I'm an exception--I grew mine out in college and have left it shoulder-length ever since) but my wife seems to enjoy pointing out that I'm getting a bald spot in back.
I'm half tempted to shave it all off and get it over with.

Bear Naked said...

At least you don't look like a chia pet,the way I do.
My hair only looks good when my hairdresser styles it but since I am not independently wealthy I can not afford her on a daily basis.

Bear((( )))

Thriftcriminal said...

Pixies eh? I like this one:

Baino said...

Miladysa sadly I am a bit of a 'put em in a box' person. Oddly enough, my sister is a very fine haired, straight 'once blonde' Go figure?
And I'm consoled that Goldfish don't actually deserve their bad reputation, otherwise how do they remember to swim to the top of the tank when you sprinkle food on there!

ibeati G'day to you too! More fresh meat! Nah not sad, just venting my frustration and lack of organisation. I have lots of good stuff to focus on as well.

Haha . . GM, I've often thought of going the number 4 all over but not sure what bumps there are at the back of my cranium! Hugs back, I'll live with it!

Oh Ces, you're so 'positive'. I probaby took a little literary licence with the 'self loathing' bit but it does shit me. Did I sound that self-deprecating . . I suppose I am. And you're very sweet and kind and funny so thank you.

Arggh Moon, don't even get me started on the price. Adam just had a nice short back 'n sides and a shave for $14! My anti grey processing and trim will cost well over $100!

Christopher, there's little worse than balding on the top and long everywhere else, (Bill Bailey style - comedian in Black Books?)just don't go near the 'combover'!

Bear, don't you wish we could live like Oprat . .chef to prepare our meals, housekeeper to clean the cobwebs and a hair and makeup artist to give us the once over before we venture out?

Me too Thrifty, only discovered the Pixies a couple of years ago I'm ashamed to say! Ta for the link!

Quickroute said...

short back n' sides for me for as long as I can remember although I did find some old 8mm video with an abominable haircut from 2o years ago

Bimbimbie said...

You deserve two today, too funny. We are a strange lot. We have straight we want curls, have curls we want straight Half of my head is wavy the other hasn't made it's mind up ;)

laughingwolf said...

dunno whether to laff or cry, baino, but am sure depp's hair ain't what THAT'S all about ;) lol

mine's like milady's, but the only blonde in it is SILVER :P

Melissa said...

I went to my hair stylist a week LATE once ... oh, I was so embarrassed, I went out and bought her a bouquet. LOL. I've been cutting the girls' hair ... rather crookedly, I might add ... and finally decided that as Charlotte enters first grade she should have a *real* cut. She wasn't too keen on the process, but loves the results. Eli cuts mine ... but I've been thinking of going back to the stylist for fun. Hope all turns out well when your appointment rolls around!

Kath Lockett said...

I have the opposite problem, Baino. Blonde, wispy, thin, nothingy hair that, when permed (and boy, did I spend a lot of money in teh eighties wishing for 'normal' sized hair, let alone the BIG hair that everyone else had), it would literally drop out as I crossed the street....

As for 'Lesbian' Looks, by giving up in the early nineties and sticking to a number four buzzcut, black, trousers and flat shoes, I got more offers to attend education demonstrations, subaru test drives and furniture making classes than any other lesbian I knew!

Baino said...

Aww Quicky you look lovely and boyish with your short back n sides! Yo know you're cute as a button!

Tsup Bimbimbie! Mad hair for mad women! Not all bad I guess!

C'mon Wuffa, he has great hair in every movie! As for a silver fox like you . .I bet it looks very distinguished!

Melissa you're brave cutting the kidlets hair. I've shaved Adam's and dyed it in the past but wouldn't go near Clare's for fear of a fallout!Eli cuts your hair? What a rare talent! He cooks too! Quite a catch!

Oh Kath, I'll never forget at my wedding we set my sister's hair with sticky gloop and it lasted just in time for the service and photographs before just 'falling out'. Well, I'd be flattered to be invited to test drive a Subaru or attend furniture making lessons but just not that way inclined!

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Sounds like you and D have the same kinda hair - masses of curls and entirely uncontrollable - luckily he can keep his short without being called a lesbian! ;-) And by the way, I think your hair is gorgeous! And so are you - just go and believe it, wimmin!

laughingwolf said...

thx... but sorry sweetie... no fox, just an old gray wuff ;) lol

but YOU look foxy! :)

Megan said...

Hilarious about the date mess-up. Sorry, but hilarious!