Monday, September 29, 2008

Doggy Doo's


If you're coming to Australia . .be warned . .we have Labradors - a formidable tool in the war against every smell. Terrible fierce, schnooffy Labradors who know where you've been, what you've smoked or eaten or stepped in or rubbed against and better still what you have shafted up you're nether regions. Good dogs they are . .pretty and innocuous but oh so cunning. And all this urban nonsense about getting drug sniffing dogs hooked is rubbish, they'll do it for a play with a ball, a scratch on the tum or a liver treat. Betrayers? Absolutely . . every Ecstasy taker should have liver treats in their pocket and one of those ropey chews and learn to say "Fetch". Now anyone who knows a Labrador knows they're sniffologists. I had to restrain mine last Saturday the, smooth coated, bed lounging, indoorsy schmooch because she was about to tackle a black snake! The look on her face? "Gah! Mum, it smells funny?"

So, be careful when you enter Australia because our first line of defense is the Labrador. Do not smoke dope the day before you catch the plane. You will be detained and body searched. So if you don't want a rubber glove up yer cavity, make sure you're laundered and smell of nothing more than Omo. Do not bring in stinky dried Chinese bear gall bladders or even a fresh kiwi fruit - you will be detained and possibly body searched but only if you've stuck a rhino donger up yer bum or they can't find the culprit after a body search. Do not bring Uncle Costa's favourite Kavla or Olives - you will be detained. Don't even be tempted to bring in Aunty Mae's planting potatoes or favourite Dahlia seeds you will be detained! Make sure you have enough cash to sustain you if you're on a holiday visa - or you will be sent home. Never admit you want to work in Australia unless you have a holiday working visa you will be sent home, and most of all, learn to understand the Somali, Chinese, Indian accents because the gentle people who speak these languages will indubitably be your interrogators as you come through customs and if you're an English speaker, you won't understand a word - hot tip - ask for a translator. And certainly, do not bring small animals hidden in your trousers you will be detained, body and cavity searched and have your birdie confiscated. We have budgies, we know how you smuggle. Yeah, I've been watching Border Control again . . .so many saps, so few customs officers. Having said that . . I still haven't received my irradiated Christmas decorations from Rothenberg.

18 comments:

laughingwolf said...

yay! more countries should adopt your strict import regulations!

and yeah, the irradiated stuff? fuhgeddaboudit! ;) lol

Nick said...

Jeez, I'll have to be very careful what I bring into Oz. I don't want any enthusiastic sniffer dogs nosing at my behind, thank you. I'd better send the drugs on ahead secreted in the spines of academic textbooks.

Quickroute said...

The border crossing from Argentina to Chile is a long drawn out affair with sniffer dogs roaming solo as you submit immigration forms (4 carbon copies) and another separate custom form.

The sniffer dog ( a lab) stopped and sat beside a guy in the queue and waited until he had the attention of his trainer. Then he raised his paw and tapped the guy on the knee twice as if to say 'this bloke is a dodgy geeza!'. Quite amazing to watch! The guy was then quietly ushered off to the side, most likely for the ol' rubber glove treatment - yikes!

kj said...

baino, i don't think you should apply for work with the australian tourist board. ha!

Megan said...

I'm still coming over there as soon as I get a chance! But thanks for the warnings!

Baino said...

Aww Wuffa . .I hope my deccies are OK it was expensive to have them gassed!

Nick someone sent cocaine actually coating rolls of flexible plastic sheeting and in unopened photo albums and they nabbed him!

Quicky 'carbon copies' gawd haven't used them since the 70's. They have two types of dogs. Those that bark and go ballistic (use em in the back when they're sorting rubbish, you can sometimes here them barking at the domestic terminal) and the strong silent types like yours among passengers. They just sit and mark their mark!

kj if you're not carrying you have nothing to fear! (I wonder if Anita Cobby felt that way!)

Well good for you Megs. Next installment - "Why would you live in a land where everything wants to Kill you!" hehe

Miladysa said...

That's why they are a man's/women's best friend and a nightmare for scallies.

They can sniff me any time - as the great man himself once said - I have nothing to declare except my genius ;-D

Paddy Bloggit said...

Dogs are brilliant!

I'd have gone mad a long time ago without my dogs.

They accept me and all my eccentricities! woof Baino ... woof! :smile:

laughingwolf said...

so, they're dead now? :O

Baino said...

Miladysa, quite so. Actually mine's very polite and only snots on trousers.

Me too Paddy, she's my main source of company these days. My 'third' child.

Wuffa . . I hope not! I paid $42.50 to get them 'cleaned'.

Ces said...

Oh I thought of coming to visit and bring some dried salted cod and boiled duck embryos. Hahaha!

Baino said...

GAH! I don't mind smoked cod, but dried/salted . . .as for embryos . .seriously though I think people come from particularly the middle east and China thinking we don't have food here!

Annie Ha said...

do I really have to move to Australia before I turn 35?

Baino said...

Nup you have to emigrate before you turn 45! And you have to have a skill that we like (we'll give you points for it) plus you have to be be good at sports that nobody else plays such as Aussie Rules and Netball and Cricket! (I made that last bit up) Frankly, I wouldn't bother, it's like California without a Disneyland!

Jay said...

I bet you let people in if they have millions and millions of dosh! Over 45 or not! Most people do ... LOL!

OK, so when I come to visit Australia, I have to wipe the inside of all my pockets with raw liver, but not actually have any with me, then the dog - being a labrador and totally obsessed with food - will lose all credibility and I can bring in what the heck I like.

MWAHAHAHA!!!

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Right, well, having enjoyed my fair share of time in the company of Labradors and other retrievers, I know full well that if I should ever want to visit your fair shores, all I need to have is a lot of biltong. I've yet to meet a dog, anywhere in the world who cannot be bribed, made to roll over and play dead with a bit of dried meat. Kudu is preferable, though beef does nicely!

I'm hoping to have it a lot easier going to the UK!

Baino said...

Jay - liver 'treats' not sloppy offal! And yes of course, there are ways around it if you have lotsa dosh and someone to sponsor you. My poor old crippled Auntie emigrated at 72 cos we sponsored her and she bought a shitload of kish!

AV: Biltong! exactly! Although that's a prohibited substance so you'll get frisked by the ever vigilant customs officers and your biltong confiscated. Then the totally pissed off sniffer schnoofers who thought they were going to have a treat are likely to 'rip your arm off and hit you around the head with the wet end' (strange saying that, my father used to say it!)

Haha we were sniffed by Beagles in the UK!

Jay said...

But if I bring in liver treats, won't they get me for that? Whereas I've never heard of anyone being prosecuted for having stains on their clothing. Tee hee.