Monday, September 29, 2008
If you're coming to Australia . .be warned . .we have Labradors - a formidable tool in the war against every smell. Terrible fierce, schnooffy Labradors who know where you've been, what you've smoked or eaten or stepped in or rubbed against and better still what you have shafted up you're nether regions. Good dogs they are . .pretty and innocuous but oh so cunning. And all this urban nonsense about getting drug sniffing dogs hooked is rubbish, they'll do it for a play with a ball, a scratch on the tum or a liver treat. Betrayers? Absolutely . . every Ecstasy taker should have liver treats in their pocket and one of those ropey chews and learn to say "Fetch". Now anyone who knows a Labrador knows they're sniffologists. I had to restrain mine last Saturday the, smooth coated, bed lounging, indoorsy schmooch because she was about to tackle a black snake! The look on her face? "Gah! Mum, it smells funny?"
So, be careful when you enter Australia because our first line of defense is the Labrador. Do not smoke dope the day before you catch the plane. You will be detained and body searched. So if you don't want a rubber glove up yer cavity, make sure you're laundered and smell of nothing more than Omo. Do not bring in stinky dried Chinese bear gall bladders or even a fresh kiwi fruit - you will be detained and possibly body searched but only if you've stuck a rhino donger up yer bum or they can't find the culprit after a body search. Do not bring Uncle Costa's favourite Kavla or Olives - you will be detained. Don't even be tempted to bring in Aunty Mae's planting potatoes or favourite Dahlia seeds you will be detained! Make sure you have enough cash to sustain you if you're on a holiday visa - or you will be sent home. Never admit you want to work in Australia unless you have a holiday working visa you will be sent home, and most of all, learn to understand the Somali, Chinese, Indian accents because the gentle people who speak these languages will indubitably be your interrogators as you come through customs and if you're an English speaker, you won't understand a word - hot tip - ask for a translator. And certainly, do not bring small animals hidden in your trousers you will be detained, body and cavity searched and have your birdie confiscated. We have budgies, we know how you smuggle. Yeah, I've been watching Border Control again . . .so many saps, so few customs officers. Having said that . . I still haven't received my irradiated Christmas decorations from Rothenberg.