Tuesday, May 22, 2007

High Maintenance Biatch

Sometimes, I’m my own worst enemy. I’m keen as mustard, full-on, all embracing, all encompassing and it scares the bejeezus out of people. I can’t just grow into a relationship or friendship or anything. I want it all to happen now, to be instantly liked and embraced and welcomed and involved. It’s so juvenile. I still have this incredible impetuosity . . .maybe it’s just emotional impatience, perhaps I’m unconsciously aware that time is short and no opportunity is to be wasted.

Perhaps it’s because I live a life so ordinary, so quiet, that when someone new and different comes along, I grab them by the throat and love them to death. I spend so much time on my own or not conversing anyone other than my dog that when I have the chance, I’m a torrent of verbal diahorrea, usually via email or letter – I hate the phone. I am in danger of doing this via blog as well but just can’t back off . . .

I have great difficulty understanding withdrawal, quietness, a desire to be slightly mysterious, aloof, uncommitted or even that others actually have a life and things to do other than talk to me! My life is an open book, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am honest to the point of being laborious and just can't work out why everyone else isn't the same. I often mistake this retreat from communication as people becoming disenchanted or intimidated when in reality . . . they often just need to come up for air or simply don't want to share every aspect of their daily life with someone like me. I have to stop becoming emotionally envolved with everyone I meet. I feel empathetic for the similar, sympathetic for the downtrodden, ecstatic for the happy, sad for the depressed and develop a massive crush for just about anyone who pays me a little more than passing attention.

A couple of my friends practice avoidance as a calming technique - a way to keep me at arms length and it's so upsetting. They’ll visit when in town but don’t necessary initiate online conversations or even make telephone calls. When they do, there are often gaps. Everything is short, stacatto when I want lengthy discourse, involvement, all the details and explanations. Then I press the flesh with said friends and they’re impossible to shut up, nights are late and lunches are long . . .it's a wonderful torrent of information and connectedness that has to last me until we next meet. I should be grateful for that and wish such encounters were more frequent.

So, my friends, you know who you are. I’m sorry I’m needy, impatient, forceful and full-on but it’s just me. I don’t mean anything by it, I don't mean to be a nuisance, just can’t curb my enthusiasm or wait long enough for you to break the boredom. Keep in touch with me because I really love your communications and don't be frightened by my verbosity.

2 comments:

Dario Sanchez said...

I have great difficulty understanding withdrawal, quietness, a desire to be slightly mysterious, aloof, uncommitted ...

Would you like me to explain? I swing between really social and really withdrawn, so I wouldn't feel too bad. Hell, at least that way people get to know you better.

Baino said...

'Tis true they do get to know me, even if they don't want to!