Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The High Price of Being A Reubens Model

I think my family forget how old, fat and unfit I am. I'm no spring chicken and built like a Reubens model (or some would say like Mrs Tiggywinkle) so whilst I'm happy to belt around the house in a cleaning frenzy, tidy out the fridge, take copious loads of washing too and from the line which is about 25 metres away, change beds, lift furniture, grovel under computer desks and walk fast to Prodigy's Smack My Bitch up on the treadmill. Even kneeling down to clean the pool cleaner (it's one of those Jet Vac catch leaves in a little net things) sees me teetering on the brink and I'm damn sure that one day I'll just fall in!

Actually, that reminds me of a day much like Sunday when my father was pootling around the pool doing much the same thing. I was about 200 metres away up at the back fence filling the horse trough. He was a big man, tall and pretty solid and I guess in his early 70's when I heard an almighty splash. Turned around and realised that he'd fallen in the pool that he didn't ever do more than dangle his legs in on a hot summers night. Of course, thinking the poor sod had had a stroke or a heart attack or something, I belted down the paddock. Man you should have seen that fat woman run! Only to find him dragging his sorry khaki clad ass out of the pool (Steve Irwin style gardening gear). He was laughing his head off . .a little embarrassed but had simply bent over to adjust the pool cleaner and toppled in! I was grateful that my CPR skills weren't needed but gave him a good slap for causing me grief! (He then pushed me in the pool to cool down - bastard!). I never really understood the joy of elderly aches and pains . . .poor thing, he hid them well!

So, I'm feeling very achey and fragile this week after the past week's exploits. And here's a hot tip, don't get on your treadmill with bare feet. They go black and you get blisters! So to add to my creaky woes, I have a nice blister on the ball of my blackened right foot.

My back is good after the bark shovelling marathon thanks to Voltarin tabs and emulgel but after hours of mulching the crap that falls of gum trees into neat little piles then shovelling it on the garden, sweating like a pig, filling in a rabbit hole that's been dug right outside my kitchen door the cheeky bastards, feeding the horses their special Rice Bubbles uber weight gaining diet (for which I have to do a 50 minute round trip to Glenorie) and picking up the shrapnel that fell off trees in a 20 minute Westerly Buster that hit like a tornado the other afternoon and lobbing them on the bonfire, I'm sore, my hands look like a labourers! I'm serious!

Now before you go all 'oh she's just making a big deal of it'. This is a woman who came home 3 days after having a total hysterectomy with no pain relief! Ready to hit the floor running but not allowed to do jack shit! This is the woman that nearly cut off her index finger with a newly sharpened knife and asked Adam for a Band Aid - QUICKLY. This is a woman who almost had a baby in a lift! So I'm no sook but man I'm sore!

Its as if my impending 52nd birthday has put up all the warning signs and is saying " right cheese, you're an overweight old fart with creaky knees, time to get serious! My knees hurt, my fingers hurt, my shoulder hurts . . I need a SPA! I need a big strong handsome man to give me a massage, Hell, the next house I buy am so getting a hot tub! I need a personal trainer to drag me away from the computer at 6am and do a few rounds with a few pounds if you know what I mean.

I need a little man . . .or a big man . . just a strong man . . . someone who will help me with the heavy stuff. Jesus, the bloody mulcher is a giant, not your little back yard chipper chopper but a massive thing that will take branches up to 4cm across but requires a helluva pull start to crank it up. The blower weighs about 10 kilos, the wheelbarrow is as big as a concreter's which means it takes a lot of stuff and is really heavy . . .*sob*

So I went back to work this week for a rest. I kid you not. Crawling under desks, chastising stupid (and I mean stick short of a bundle, tinny short of a six pack, sandwich short of a picnic stupid) receptionist, flirting with the Helldesk but still not solving my batch merge problems and dealing with a bunch of clients who either want to invest NOW because they believe the market's bottomed or pull out all their savings and hide them under the mattress . . . is nothing compared to heavy duty gardening and painting. I'm a little disappointed, I only managed three rooms but they are oh so white and gleaming.

Right, got that off my chest. I'm fasting until Saturday . . then the diet begins and the treadmill won't know what hit it! Six weeks until sugar plum comes home, 10 weeks until my little Irish Cream arrives so it's serious folks. (Oh how I'll miss my Chardy!)

Work's a doddle!


Thriftcriminal said...

Err, isn't a holiday supposed to be relaxing? Actually I'm as bad, I have a list yay long and always end up having to tick stuff off it when I have time off. I built a deck at the weekend, backs of my legs hurt a bit, not quite in your league though (I hate blisters)

laughingwolf said...

damn good video!

not a blister fan, either... esp on my feet... heal soon

Moon said...


I worked ina wool store in Adelaise, got some terrible blisters (I have office hands you know)... the suggestion is to piss on them in the shower, hardens them up !

Catches up with us all this getting old lark, Mrs M are both avid gym users, still bloody hurts !

Bear Naked said...

Why in heavens' name did you go on the treadmill with barefeet?
Any specific reason or were you just having a senior moment?

Bear((( )))

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Wimmin, you're a flippin' superhero! Are you surprised it's all sore?!

If it's any consolation I came back from the physio today with the words ringing in my head, "well, you know, this is what happens as you get older, everything starts to degenerate". Oh thanks! Tell you what, get your sorry arse over here for a visit and we'll sit in the African sun and sip chardy and grow old - disgracefully!

Nick said...

I know it's a cliché but isn't it time you slowed down a bit, Baino? Too much housework isn't good for anyone, try a bit more of the chardy and a bit less of the dusting!

Bimbimbie said...

Want a job as a brickies labourer Mrs Tiggywinkle? (she's my fav by the way)

Kath Lockett said...

I dunno Baino, I think that you *are* fit, but not in a 'let's go for a twelve km hike uphill whilst wearing our backpacks' kind of way.

Instead, you have strengths (aka 'fitness') to rehabilitate horses, doggies, pool cleaners and paint jobs.

And the treadmill is a beast, make no mistake - get thee some shoes and make 'em top notch quality or you'll feel as though you've been kicked in the arse and lower back by one of your disgruntled rehabbers.

Grannymar said...

Baino it could be worse, much worse!

You could be as old as me!!!

Hang in there, a few more weeks and a daughterly hug will make it all better.

Jay said...

Oh yeah, I know where you're coming from. I got there a few years ago. I can't believe I'm fifty-five - How'd that happen, anyway?

But I nearly always use the treadmill barefoot. I read the manual and it didn't say I couldn't, so I do! And my feet don't go black and so far I don't have blisters. I wonder why that is? Now I feel like a freak! LOL!

Melissa said...

What a great story about your dad! And that he shoved you in the pool to top it off. :) And *ouch* blackened blistered bear feet!

Anonymous said...

Oi Ms Baino,
I just had to drop by and say:

A Very Happy Birthday! (one day in advance)

Got anything special planned?


Megan said...

Reubens knew a good model when he saw it, if you ask me!

I feel your pain, honey. I got so tired with this last move, worst it's ever been in the sore muscles department.

At this point I'm just praying my back doesn't give out the way my mother's did when she was my age....

Is it really your birthday? Happy happy, if so! Don't give up the chardy until after it's over, yeah?

Annie Ha said...

The blister on your blackened foot bit had me giggling like a little girl. Good stuff, Baino!

Baino said...

Sorry poppets. So late replying today because things are ballistic at work.
Thrifty I take the 4 days off after the long weekend to spring spruce. Jan is the relaxathon.

Wuffa ..I'm constantly blistered!

Thank you Mr Moon you gym junkie. It seemed like a good idea at the time! I'm new to all this stuff! How I'm supposed to pee on a blister on the sole of my foot in the shower would require the dexterity of a contortionist! You blokes have it so easy!

Bear, I do most things in bare feet, seemed logical . .erm probably!

AV I love you. . .if I had the dosh I'd be on a plane tomorrow. I need to put my feet up!

Nick I'm not really that manic . .erm yes I am . .trust me, there's plenty of time for chardy. That's half the problem, it makes me fat!

Bimbimbie, you pay the fare and I'll help you haul.

Aww Kath very nice of you to see the 'fitness' in me. I have discovered 'new' muscles in a number of places actually! Also discovered Voltarin Emulgel!

True Grannymar, its as if the fates have decided that 52 is the age I shall begin to feel my bones!

Jay, we're coming out of winter (socks and stockings) so I'm a bit of a tenderfoot. It probably wouldn't bother me in January! Plus it's new and the grip's a bit 'sandy' .. nah they're just excuses, I am a stranger to exercise! Doh!

True Melissa, nearly had a heart attack myself. The weird thing is, he built this pool and NEVER swam in it. . well maybe once!

Thanks Gaye, tomorrow is the BIG day although the older you get, the less significant they are. Nah, nothing planned. Dinner with the boy and Amy probably. I have resolved only to celebrate birthday's with zeros in them. You gonna bake me a cake?

Megs, it's the curse of the single mum. And here's a hot tip . .pretend you're useless . . you get more help that way . .we capable girls just muddle on! Might stretch to something special tomorrow.

Annie . .thank you . . great vote of sympathy! I wanted 'aww' and I got 'giggle'. I love a sympathetic ear (my work isn't as bad as your work . .don't think I haven't been looking at your Facebook!) And I curse your fantasy football result this weekend . . .*joshing* Blister still there . .my mother told me never to 'pop' them and I'm a good girl I am!

Paddy Bloggit said...

you can't beat a bit of rough!

Ces said...

I actually read this yesterday but could not type because too early. I listened to and watched the video and I say that woman has a very pleasant and soothing voice.

I think you are a lot of fun. You must laugh a lot?

Baino said...

Paddy I don't know what yer on about!

Ces . .actually my sister's the giggly one! That my sweet is Dawn French . . British comedian, now she's a funny woman. The snippet is from a series she did on "Big Girls". (I'm not quite that big btw)