Saturday, December 20, 2008

Hung-ry Like a Horse

Iznt we cutz? "Daddy can I have a pony?"

A warning to the parents of little girls . . .think long and hard before you actually buy them a pony.

I've blogged about this before. When my sister was trying to get pregnant, and nothing was happening other than some mattress calisthenics she decided to distract herself with a new hobby - dressage. Clare, Babysis and I drove around the state for three or four weekends seeking an appropriate charger for her cause. We had the paddock, I was happy to feed in her absence, an instructor was found and a neighbour had agreed to let her use their dressage ring for tuition. She spent a shitload on the gear and even had custom made top boots for competition.

Dressage, for the uninitiated is the 'dancing' that you train horses to do. Unusual and difficult steps such as extended trots and sideways moves - you know, it's the point in Olympic coverage where your daughters won't let you switch to the news because they want to watch the pretty horses and the bank of Orange clad Dutch spectators.

It's particular and difficult for a horse to accomplish. Since a horse uses 75% of it's brain to coordinate it's legs for walking, trotting and running, walking crossways across an arena is a huge task, dancing on the spot almost impossible. Dressage is amazing albeit a little dull to watch unless you're a horsey type. The whole training is done with gentle pressure on the bit and lots of bum moving and leg pressure although the impression you have to give must be seamless. And the judges are harsh. The slightest miss-step or sign of lameness and you're toast.

Anyhoooooo. . . .we finally found a mature horse "Brutus" 17 hands heavy built thoroughbred who knew his moves. His racing name "Big and Fast" had failed him and he'd been relegated to the Dressage world. His mum had tired of him and wanted a more flashy competitor so Babysis bought him for a song.

Not to be outdone at the time, it seemed a rather nice idea to buy a couple of paddock bashers so the three of us could trail ride (there were trails in those days). And, little miss dedication, had never had 'could try harder' on her six years of primary reports so . . we bought a horse. Lasalle Royal Flash (Laurie). Bred by a priest in Orange (the town not the colour), owned first by a teenage boy then by an impetuous girl who wanted to upgrade her Arab gelding. He doesn't like women much.

Problem was, we (read I) bought a horse that I thought I could also ride. Too big for the kid (who was only 12 at the time) and far too temperamental. We had rearing and refusals and teeth grinding and ears bending (and that's just the horse). So, since she'd matched me dollar for dollar, I kept the grinch for myself and bought her a little steel grey dapple Welsh Mountain Pony (Chippy).

For a few years, we had a blast. Me, Clare, Adam in tow (usually dressed as a Pirate) on his BMX bike and a big black lab that once ended up with heat exhaustion and 2 days in the vet being rehydrated, trail rode our little socks off. We joined a riding club (as opposed to a pony club) and she enjoyed weekend camps and we learned dressage and jumping and cross country, bending and all sorts of horsey pursuits and some of the best sausage rolls with tomato sauce ever! Brutus however turned out to be hopeless on the trail. First sign of a green verge and all the racing memories came back he just wanted to bolt!

12 years later Brutus is long gone. Babysis has two beautiful babies and we still have the nags. Laurie at 15.3 and 29 years old, Chippy at 13.5 and just shy of 18 years old. Chips is a little on the short side which means he has attitude. The little shit is like a brick dunny and I defy any emu to knock him down.

So four years ago, when our paddock was sparse, we moved them to Babysis lush paddocks where they thrived on nothing but grass. Se lives on a particularly lush ridge where the Kykuyu grass is prevalent and plentiful. Although last year, they decided to demolish their front paddock fence as a house sale was on the cards and they felt an expanse of lawn looked better. The upshot? A paddock too small to sustain two horses on grass alone. (even though it was about 3 acres).

It was my fault. She offered to feed and did - but not enough. I went over for coffee and a pat on Saturdays but never checked under the rug and at the beginning of Spring, I took off the rug and discovered this . . .

Bear in mind he has his long winter coat but way, way, too skinny. Lethargic and snoozy, disinterested and not bolloxed to fight for his lunch with the marauding Welshy.

So, with the paddock denuded and the Plumber's newly planted Japanese Maples eaten to a crisp, we brought them back to Chez Fairway (or Old Trafford as my brother insists on calling it) and into a very overgrown paddock with a newly taut fence (thanks Ads). We filled the bath with cool clean H2O after scooping out the redbacks and bark we set the boys free on the cusp of suburbia. Two feeds a day for the skinny man and even after 2 weeks, we're seeing some real progress. He's happy, very happy . .I know because he never shuts up. He's eating well, he's aggressive and fighting off Chippy who has a wiley technique for stealing food and after Clare gave him a purple bath on Thursday (fluoro shampoo makes them brighter than bright), he's clean. Actually he's more than clean . . . he's fresh, he's horny! All I have to do is tickle the guy and wham! So if you have little girls looking at the pretty pony be ready for some sticky questions . .yes . .geldings masturbate . .they also get their jollies with a bit of a back rub and they do weird things when you stroke them gently (on their coat of course) like buckling their legs and yep . . flaunting the willy! Or maybe that's Laurie . .he's a bit weird that way . . .

What can I say . .the boy can multi-task . . .scratch and pee at the same time
and he never splashes on his trousers - please click on this one because it's a great shot!

I have a new view

He's so pretty for an old boy

Now this is how excited he was looking at a car!


Anonymous said...

Thankfully all we ever had was a Goldfish!

Thriftcriminal said...

No way am I buying my sprog a pony. Not when my aunt earns a living giving lessons and has a perfectly good pony. :-)

laughingwolf said...

must have a goodlooking rear on that car, baino :P lol

English Mum said...

He's adorable! I must admit to being a teeny bit scared of horses, but I have to say he's magnificent. And expensive! xx

kj said...

oh baino, what a story. i can see the transformation already. i didn't expect that last picture and will now carry it in my mind all day. it will probably replace the image of eli's penis, which is probably just as well.

you are a hoot,girl. i love your energy. i really do.


Susan at Stony River said...

Isn't he LOVELY? Thanks for sharing the story!

We have a goofball of a Shetland and he's all we can handle. But who can resist getting one's baby girl a POOOONY?

(Not I!)

Moon said...

Porn !!!!!!... I don't believe it !!!

To be fair, when Mr's my tickles me under the covers ........ woo hoo !!

Anonymous said...


Baino, you are a hoot!

I too fell into the pony 'trap' with my daughter but I've never, ever regretted the decision.

The rewards have far outweighed the pain of the constant drain on our resources.

Congrats! to Clare for getting Laurie and Chippy looking so clean and cute!

Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous old boy he is! Don't feel too bad about letting him get skinny - you thought he was being fed.

He certainly looks good now, doesn't he? And of course, he's ... um ... frisky! LOL!

Bless him. He's just like any old man. ;)

Kath Lockett said...

Oh took me a few seconds to 'get' that last photo and reminded me that every time we took a younger Sapphire to the zoo, the bloody zebra always chose that moment to get his donger out. Rather confronting when I'm trying to say something like, "Oh doesn't he have lovely stripes" and Sapphire says, "He's got a huge peanuts* hasn't he?" (*penis)

I'm not a 'horsey' gal but yours look lovely.

Kath Lockett said...

Me again *blush blush*. I can't believe that my previous post was the first time I have ever written the P word in blogville. Sorry about that!

Baino said...

GrannyMar, that's just playin' it safe! We had fish too but as usual, I ended up maintaining them so when the last one went . .so did the tank!

Wise man Thrifty. Otherys is definitely the way to go!

Tell you Wuffa there's plenty of go in the old boy yet! I'm a little concerned about his eyesight tho.

Well a little cheaper now we're at home EM. Plenty of grass and a few kilos more. Cruel world isn't it. I'm battling the bulge and he's a skinny min . . .the sooner they invent liposuction transplants the better!

kj! I'm shocked! Poor Eli, I hope he doesn't read the blogs. I wonder if he realises references to his 'member' have travelled from Pennsylvania to NSW?

Susan is it just me or a small ponies like short men? Our Welshy is a cranky pants. Well behaved but definitely has short man syndrome.

Yeh sorry moon . . at least there are no humans involved. And what you do under the covers should stay under the covers thanks! *wonders if he's a true redhead*

Ha! Steph, you're lucky your girl is still riding hers. Although Clare's had a couple of rides this week and quite enjoyed it. Loved the riding on the beach pics. I've never done that. Clare did it in Vanuatu very special.

Jay he's always been lean. It's the breed, large Arabs like him are great for endurance because of their stamina and ability to remain underweight but I'd like to see him a little rounder in the rump if you know what I mean (shame that 'look' isn't as popular on female humans - I'd be a ribbon winner!)

Plugger I wouldn't worry about the 'P' word (although I probably would have got it without the explanation) . . you said 'Donger'!

Miles McClagan said...

But why the long face?

Baino said...

'cos he's not in a bar! - Like the cut of your jib Miley!

Anonymous said...

Just remember..... a horse is not just for Christmas day.

Save some boxing day.

Ces Adorio said...

Oh yes, all girls love horses. If we lived on a farm, perhaps but we live in the suburbs with very little yard. I do not like animals because they are vectors. We have our Snowflake (rabbit) for 4 years now but perhaps she is the only rabbit who gets a bath and Hermes perfume. We have a new puppy, the daughter of the ugliest bitch in the neighborhood and we don't even know her father, albeit a thug of a pittbull but my son thinks he is The Dog Rescuer and Dog Whisperer. I have been taking care of the puppy for 2 days.

Baino, I have read about your horses on earlier posts and I shake my head at your dilligence. The expenses alone are horrendous. Yet there is much to be said about the love animals instill upon us. Those that need our help can only thank us their way, a lick and a that look only you can know that they feel loved.

...but that sex organ is not the prettiest thing at all.

Unknown said...

75% sounds a bit too much since humans use 10% of their brain for everything.

Baino said...

Jack . . .*sigh*

Ces .. a boy needs a dog. Vectors? As in transmit disease? Not my boys, they're very clean thank you. Had animals all my life and never caught anything other than a cold. Actually I stick Lily in the shower and wash her with Pantene! Pampered pooch! The boys have a special purple shampoo with optical brighteners to bring out the 'silvery white'. But it makes my nails go purple!

I should have sold them long ago but just can't part with them. They'll cost much less now that they're home!

Ropi, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but most of their brainpower is for flight and fright. So Dressage is extremely difficult for a horse. It requires great symmetry . .horses are like humans left or right brained, Dressage requires them to use both sides. To give you an idea, real research has found that horses do about as well on mazes as a tropical fish or octopus. If they were smart, the'd never let us near them.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Like Grannymar all we had was a goldfish and it died several times - i only found out later it had been replaced - i thought it had made a remarkable recovery when I was wee

laughingwolf said...

i can see why! :O lol

TCL said...

Never had any horses even though the house I grew up with had 3 acres and a stable - all this in the hills above Los Angeles.

But had loads and loads of dogs. It seems like every time I went for a run a homeless dog follows me home. I'm too much of a softie to turn them away.

Baino said...

TCL ..Dogs are cheaper and better company frankly . .couldn't do without one.

Anonymous said...

He's like Shadowfax!!! I always wanted a white pony. Mind you, the dream dies when you muck out your first shed from scratch. I worked in an equine store once. Boy, when you add up the saddles and clothes and feeds and nuts and saltblocks and numnahs and coats and straw and... the list is endless!!!

They're expensive, but so, so pretty :)

Nice shlong, by the way.