Be Still My Beating Heart

I'm a pretty outgoing, tell it like it is kind of person. What you read/hear/see is what you get. Heart on sleeve and sometimes less than diplomatic. I'm not one of these quiet brooding types or someone who suppresses their feelings in order to convince everyone that everything's just fine. I learned a lesson a while ago being married to a very relaxed and easy going man who never appeared to be stressed, even when under intense pressure. He took his own good time, never rushed (in fact we were always late), relaxed on the weekend to the point that a pile of topsoil left over from our turf laying became a grass covered feature because he was too lazy to spread it elsewhere. . . he napped if he was tired, was very cool, very calm, very collected and I only ever saw him angry twice in our 11 year relationship. Underweight, regular exerciser, non smoker and light drinker, fit as a fiddle . . . died at age 35 of a heart attack!

Me on the other hand, I let my feelings show and whilst I'm not much of a crier, I have been known to scream like a banshee, tell people off, slam a few doors, voice too-loud opinions and demand my own space and time. I always thought people like me vented their stress and so wouldn't have weird symptoms . . but no . . .

This weekend, I've been having symptoms of stress. I don't have them often and I only know they're stress symptoms thanks to extensive tests 4 years ago after my father died and they first manifested themselves as Cardiac arrhythmia (fast irregular heartbeat) when I'm emotionally stressed (can't be physical cos I haven't done anything more physical than hang the washing out!). I can hear my heart pumping in my head, my shoulders, every pulse point on my body. Then I get panicky because I think I'm going to die and it gets worse before it gets better and then somehow, I fall asleep and all is well with the world, until I wake up groggy and lacklustre and require a 'sanity day' to recover. It was decided by the cardiologist that that I have sympathetic stimulation due to physical or psychological stress (the so-called "fight or flight" response), but can also be induced by stimulants such as amphetamines (nup havent taken any of those) or caffeine. I did have three cups of coffee with Babysis on Saturday morning? Hmmmm.

My problem this time, is I have NO idea why I'm stressed. I feel calm, I'm pretty healthy apart from creaky knees and some RSI in my 'mouse' arm (yes decades of pushing a mouse around have given me a clicky wrist and 'mouse' elbow!). Sure I have the normal every day job stresses, worry a little about ClareBear, money issues, there's a shit load to do around the house and my motivation levels are below zero but these are hardly reasons to get the ticker out of whack.

So today, I had a day off, watched a few DVD's crashed on the couch and they're still coming and going . . . it's more than irritating . . . and impossible to stop until I work out what's bothering me. In the interim, it's off the caffeine and alcohol and into some meditation. Right, off to dive into my inner cave and practice my deep relaxation techniques. And if Laughing Wolf has anything to say about it, I probably need to get me some! Oh be still my beating heart!