Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I Am a Legend in My Own Lunchtime!

Today, I had to venture over into Castle Towers to change a sweater that I’d bought, typically not tried on in the store and then realised that it looked like something my Nana would have worn on a bad day once I got it home. I do it all the time. Anyway, en route to the appropriate store are wide terrazzo tiled avenues with shops on each side, the odd cafĂ© plonked in the middle and plenty of those portable, market stalls adorned hair accessories and wigs, sparkly jewellery, mobile phone holders, Gym spruikers , ‘wholesale’ perfume, and a plethora of sea mineral cosmetics or skin care providores.

I usually walk very briskly through and avoid the, spruikers springing out at me from all sides. I rarely succumb to flattery and more importantly I hate shopping so I'm usually a woman on a mission and power shopping my way forward . . forging ahead . . .leading the charge! I am never sucked in by the desperate young things vying for my attention to sample their sweet smelling unctions or trying to tempt me into a Gym membership even though one or both could make me look 30 years younger!

Today, I was cornered . . I tell a lie – I surrendered!

I knew as I walked past the pet shop I was going to stop and he made eye contact . . that flash Brasilian smile on a beautiful man with hair exactly like mine, even ponytailed and the odd squiffy curl around his face- I was gone before I arrived! I didn’t know what he was selling, his accent was mesmerising, his face engaging and he literally grabbed me by the hand as I walked by and straight away sploshed some hand cream on my palm and began massaging . . .oooh er . . .

“Oh Miss . . .you have bootifoolandz . . . .

(I don’t but his long fingers are doing their thing across my wrists and fingers and it is slightly erogenous)

Each question is punctuated by the whitest of smiles and 'Excuze me for askin' personal queschins.' If he'd played his cards right I'd have given him my bloody ATM PIN!

“ . . but if yoo dozn’t mand me zayin’ you ‘ave very dry skin on your ands . . . Ow ole iz you?”

I answer truthfully as always, he jumps back,

Nowaye! Nowaye! . . . . Surely you jokin me? . . Tell me your friendz zay you iz very yung for your aje? Zay do doezn’t zay?”

(Well no actually, they used to but those complements stopped the day I turned 50! Either they’re jealous of my fair and reasonably unwrinkled visage or hitting the half century suddenly made me look like a bucket of smashed crabs.)

Now I KNEW I was being played but it was oh so nice. Getting a bit goose bumpy by now and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck are standing up like they do when the man of your dreams sneaks up behind and just breathes on the nape of your neck. Feeling a little goosebumpy in a nice way . . . his pitch falls trippingly from his particularly beautiful mouth and youthful lips. At this point, I am alone, with him, somewhere warm and exotic . . . I’m overcome with waves of warmth and latin jungle beats and he’s cool as a cucumber!

‘ . . and finally, ze white buffer to smooze out ze lines, now look eeznt it a miracle! But alzo, we ‘az the fablious, cuticle balm. . Oh and Miss if you don’t mand me sayin’ you need some help on ze cuticles, zay are dry no? From ze dishes, and ze gardening and ze workin’ too hard. You needz to be pampered . . .’ere”

So while he daubs the very essence of Dead Sea minerals on my cuticle and begins massaging my fingertips, I am seriously now in another dimension and ready to jump the guy after we've danced the Lambada and had at least 3 caipirinhas!

Finally, there is a kit, the buffer, the cuticle stuff, some other bits and pieces and a choice of Vanilla, Frangipani or ocean smelling hand and body creams that are not greasy and if I buy the kit I can have it for half price and if I buy two he’ll give me one free . . ‘becoz obviously you have lotz of friends no? They will love eet for Christmas gift no?” . . .

OK, the record scratched, the frame froze . . time for a reality check rather than being a legend in my own lunchtime. That was quite enough sensual activity in full view of all the shoppers, in broad daylight and during my lunch hour. GAH! I’m in a shopping centre having an orgasmic delusion! Right where were we?I’ve been massaged, and buffed and have one very attractive ring fingernail with a shine he guarantees will last for a month. OK I’m convinced, I like this hand cream and the little buffery thing so I bought the little kit and happily parted with $50 for the priviledge.

All in all though, money well spent . . hell he even gave me a hug before I moved on! I’m going back tomorrow to check out the skin care range! Then again, two sessions in a row and I’ll have my palpitations back!

21 comments:

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Erm, you haven't ever thought of writing erotica, have you...
;-)

Ces said...

HAHAHAHA! Oh Baino. Since it is early here and everyone is asleep I can't laugh out loud but tears of laughter have covered my eyes. This is one hilarious adventure and I completely agree. We know when we are being worked on but like you sometimes I succumb, especially the hairdresser who massages and rubs as she tells me the same lines for fifteen years, except for me - no near-orgasmic plateau. How I wanted to be a fly on the wall watching you as that guy oohed and aahed.

As for his accent, you very well illustrated, and by the way, they have the same kiosk here, that Dead Sea thinggamajig.

But having seen your daughter's picture, do you think he may have meant what he said?

Grannymar said...

Now I am all jealous!

steph said...

"hitting the half century suddenly made me look like a bucket of smashed crabs"

LOL great stuff!

but Baino...

you're the one who's supposed to be having laughing therapy, not us!

laughingwolf said...

lol ...50 is a beer up here in the frozen north! :P

brasilians be portuguesish, so... :O

Quickroute said...

$50 for a quickie at lunchtime - Good on ya!

Nancy said...

Baino,

I LOVE this guy and MUST meet him.

I know that I can get a flight to Sydney with no problem but you will have to give me local directions to Castle Towers.

All the way over I will be sandpapering my hands and cuticles so that he will have to spend a longer time with me.

Be still my heart!!!!!!

Megan said...

I have one of those kits!!! My buffer was Eurasian, though. Dreamy!

P.S. What is a "spruiker" and more importantly, how does one pronounce it?

Bimbimbie said...

Toooooo funny Baino*!* ... you had me thinking ... well that will calm her stress levels somewhat, then read on and got rather worried about your racing heart ... so did you remember to exchange your granny jumper or is that the reason for a revisit today;)

Baino said...

AV: Now THAT made me laugh! I'm the least erotic person you'll ever know! Then again we all have erm 'needs' maybe I should give ol Mills and Boon a bash!

Ces: Thanks for your email, I'll reply later. I know what you mean by the hairdresser, I've been 'fleeced' for one or more special conditioning treatments on many an occasion! Ooohhh!

They all seem to be foreigners, backpackers vying for a holiday doller perhaps and of course, they're all quite beautiful. (then anyone under 35 is beautiful these days!)

Now now Granymar, since you don't share your toyboys, I have to find a few of my own!

Haha . . well Steph, Thrifty told me I needed a good guffaw . .seems to have done the trick!

Jesus Quickie, between your post and my hand massage, I'm set for the rest of the year now!

Beer Wuffa? How common . . if I was a drink I'd be Champagne! He spoke Portuguese alright, could have spoken gobbledygook for all I cared!

Nancy, I'm sure they have the same thing in your Malls, cosmetics from the Dead Sea (or so they say) Go and spoil yourself and save the price of an air ticket. Eee weeel tel you, you iz bootifuls and so yong!

Megan a 'sprooker' is one of those people that actually stands outside shops, strip joints or market stalls encouraging you to come and try their product!

Um Yes Bimbimbie but didn't have time for an exchange, I just got my money back. I spent far too much time on Sugar Loaf Mountain being massaged by a Brasilian Beach Volleyballer. Told you . . Legend in my own lunchtime!

Jay said...

ROFL! Oh, I know the type, and if I had my way I'd go get my ego massaged at least once a week! *Snigger*

That reminds me .. I simply must get into town soon and see what's up in the mall...

Great post! It reminded me of my encounter with the young a gorgeous waiter in Vancouver.. *sigh*

Moon said...

He has feelings you know, he is not a piece of meat ....

Baino said...

Jay, there's nothing wrong with admiring something beautiful.

Moon, I hope you're joking. Cat can look at a King I say! Stirred some feelings in me that I haven't felt for a while, I can tell you!

AnneDroid said...

Great post. I've got to admit I sometimes pine for the days when building site workers would wolf-whistle me, even though it offended my feminist pride at the time. Becoming invisible to them isn't as nice as I would have expected!

Baino said...

G'day Anne and welcome over to my place! Ah . . the days of political incorrectness, there's something to be missed I guess! Then again, with advancing age, one can flirt outrageously with the young without offending anyone!

laughingwolf said...

what can i say?

i own neither brewery nor winery :(

Nancy said...

Yes, Baino, we do have cosmetics from the Dead Sea at our mall.

Unfortunately, the salesman also looks like he just popped out of the Dead Sea!!!

I want your guy!

Melissa said...

LOL!!! What a fantastic post, Baino! Now I want some of that stuff, too -- can you give me directions to that guy? We just got a new computer ... ours went legs up and I'm just getting caught up with blogs. Thank you for the smile and laugh. :)

Miladysa said...

You've got me imagining Antonio Banderas as he was in the 13th Warrior...

[I LOVE that film]

I wonder if your new friend does extras....

hee hee

kj said...

orgasmic deluders unite! any why not, it's a million dollar ride that's almost free!

this is halarious, baino. i could see it in a top woman's magazine and every one of us girls would be laughing in collective delight. you've nailed the experience, and you've nailed the experience!!

xo!

Bear Naked said...

Have you ever thought about writing for Harlequin Romance novels.
You would be a natural.
I am really enjoying your blog.

Bear((( )))