Thursday, January 22, 2009

God Bless Australia

It's all been God Bless America this week but on Monday we celebrate Australia Day. And I'm ready for a long weekend even if it is going to be another blistering 35-40 in the shade. It's so hot, I've developed prickly heat rash on my forearms and fingers . . never before! WTF?

Yep, we mark the day Captain Cook landed and claimed the land Terra Nullis (sadly it had some occupants who had popped over 2000 years beforehand but . . small detail). It's a big day, a big celebration, an excuse to get pissed, (not for me, I'm on the wagon) watch the Ferry Races and the Fireworks and of course fire up the barbie . . . I did email this to some of you but for the others . .this is what it means to be an Aussie:

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. But don't you dare unless you've been naturalised and can sing "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi" (clever chant that one!)

We are One Nation but divided into States and Territories

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think. Each license plate declares that its's "on the move" although we're not sure to where.
The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. But we have a bridge over which you can climb in a grey spiderman suit and an opera house that nobody can afford to attend.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception and it's wise to count the fingers.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. (Then again, they might have thrashed us with the Virgina job last year)

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders.
SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. As my recent visitor announced, all that's out there is "Red Shit"

There's the Australian Capital Territory . . the home of museums nobody goes to, clubs that close at 12 and of course where pollies spend their week complaining about the size of portions in the HP canteen. I might add that my recent visitor also added, "Perhaps Canberra could make "the Less Said the Better" the numberplate slogan for the ACT. He has a point.

. . .And there's Queensland.
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it is beautiful one day and perfect the next.
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda“ our national anthem (so what if it's about a
sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide?).

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote.

We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!

No other country has this distinction!


Miles McClagan said...

Someone told me once Tasmania was the place where if a man was walking past a farm and saw a pretty girl watching her sheepdog herd the sheep, he'd go up to her and ask her to take the dog for a walk and leave the sheep to him...

But we couldn't fit that on a licence plate, so The Apple Isle it is!

Thriftcriminal said...

He's right, the fucking wiggles need to die.

"Get ready, to wiggle, wigg.. AAArrrggghhhhheurgghhhhhhhhhh"

Susan at Stony River said...

Baino, what a keeper of a post! This belongs in travel guides and history books!

But, I really must agree about the Wiggles.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. I'm now much more enlightened about that bizarre country three quarters of a mile from the sun. Of course you haven't mentioned the tendency to wear as little as possible even when the 40 degree sun is threatening instant skin cancer (T shirt and minishorts mandatory).

I see Sydney, Adelaide and Perth have all been over 40. Glad we didn't come in January....

Anonymous said...

Another Holiday! Soon you will have as many days off as I do. ;-)

Wiggles - I thought that was what you did with your hips!

Unknown said...

It is a nice holiday. We have national day on my nameday (20th August) because on 20th August 1083 the first Hungarian King was canonised by the Pope who was called .... (Uh, that's embarassing, I can't remember however no one really knows that) .... hmm... Gregory VII. "Luckily" this date was pretty close to the Dictatus Pape (Dictates of the Pope -1075) otherwise I should have deleted 2 lines and I hate deleting.

Hopefully you got my Skype invitation (Ropinator90).

Moon said...

I always thought that South Australia was proof the tasmanians could swim .....

I had an Australia day, 42 Def C at the Adelaide Oval watching the once great Aussies smash the West Indians... Local hero, Greg Blewett being bowled for 99 ... I think I was the only one quietly smiling !

Miladysa said...

Happy Australia Day on Monday Baino - may you be legless by lunchtime :D

I'll never forget Joan Rivers saying "Brace yourself Sheila" is the Australian for "foreplay" :D

My Oz memories are:
Skippy, Flying Doctors, The Sullivans, Bluey - remember him? Prisoner of Cell Block H and Crocodile Dundee ;D

I absolutely DETEST those bloody Wiggles though!

Have a good 'Un mate!

Christopher said...

I was about to add my own thoughts about how the Wiggles should be dealt with, but the more I read how much everyone else detests them I started to feel a little sorry for them. All right. I'm past it now. Death to the Wiggles!

Anyway happy Australia Day to all who live down under. And to all those Australian friends who've moved here and make my home town a little more interesting and a little more fun.

laughingwolf said...

oi oi oi... AND the year of the OX begins then, as well ;) lol

Bimbimbie said...

Tsup*!* Tsup*!* ROFL Brilliant Post Baino ... got to your QLD rating with much trepidation but don't worry the two biggest DHeads moved to Canberra last January so it's safe to visit Lass ;)

Unknown said...

It is true that monarchs have been born to their position but in many cases female succession was problematic. For example: Maria Theresa had serious problems with the Prussia ruler who didn't acknowledge the Pragmatic Santion (Austria War of Succession)

Ces Adorio said...

I have not met an Australian I did not like (or love) yet. God Bless Australia!

Agree, love the post!

Baino said...

Haha Miley, I heard that one about New Zealanders! Actually I love Tassie. Especially the weather!

Thrifty hush your mouth, they're a national institution. Fortunately, we missed the "Wigglemania" thing but man I hate the Teletubbies. "Mashed Potato, mashed potato . ." hehe . .in your head all day now!

Must admit Suze I nicked it from an email I received and added a few of my own tweaks. A more serious look at Aus on Monday.(If my PC doesn't blow up in the heat). Enjoy your trip!

Nick you timed it perfectly. It's not been below 27 day or night since you left. We had a single storm on Wednesday night which cooled things down but this weekend, back up to late 30's and early 40's.

We have LOADS of public holidays Grannymar. Next one isn't until Easter though . . .can't come soon enough!

Thanks Ropi, I didn't know that. I didn't get your invite so I've sent one to you. Re succession, yep very problematic, look at Mary Queen of Scots -legitimate heir who lost her hair.

Haha .. maybe so Moon! Cricket . .gah! The slowest game in the universe. I know you love it so I'll be kind. Yep, they're in for another stinker on Monday! I feel for the guys in those long pants!

Miladay, not I. I am ernestly on a health kick. I've not had a drink since Saturday night and am acquiring a taste for Sprite Zero! Actually, I don't have any Oz day celebrations planned this weekend. Our plans were stymied as BabyBro has bagsed the Pool Room and Barbecue.

Actually the great Australian foreplay is "Are you awake love?"

I'm sure most of us will get right into it Christopher. You should take part too if there's anything happening in your neck of the woods. Poor Wiggles. I'm feeling sorry for them myself. Although they haven't been the same since the Yellow Wiggle was replaced. I actually would prefer to strangle Dorothy the Dinosaur.

Maybe that should be "moo moo moo" then Wuffa!

Haha . . . I thought about you when I read that Bimbimbie! Of course there are exceptions to the rule (fortunately I didn't write it just posted it!).

Really Ces? Well we're not all as adorable as moi. You must have been lucky to miss the typical Aussie Tourist.

Miladysa said...

""Are you awake love?""

roflmao! Brill :D

(btw the interview was done online so no speakers required :D)

Ces Adorio said...

The Aussies I met were not tourists. They were people I worked with at the hospital and in the IS department. One was even my own lactation consultant. She was the best. I loved her accent so you can imagine me listening to her every word! The Australians I met did not like being mistaken for English or any other English-speaking European!

Baino said...

Ooh, Miladysa, I'm on my way over for a look-see!

Ah makes all the difference then Ces. There seem to be quite a few Aussies in the US, I didn't realise, thought most liked to hit the UK and Europe. And you're quite right, we don't want to be confused with Poms or worse still, New Zealanders (nah, it's friendly rivalry really but we're quite nationalistic when outside our own back yards!)

Melissa said...

Great post, Baino! I loved each bit you wrote and the videos are super. :)

Charlotte was petrified of the Wiggles when she was little. She would freeze in terror if she saw a commercial for their show. Once at her second birthday party she opened her first gift and slammed the box shut, refusing to open any other gifts. I peeked in the box and there was a Wiggle CD in it! She thought that every gift that awaited her was filled with a secret Wiggle something just ready to jump out at her. :D

Happy Australia Day!! Oi, oi, oi!

Jenny said...

I haven't laughed so much since I got home to cold, wet Belfast - thanks for this post and happy Australia Day for Monday!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that - now I'll be able to plan my Australian tour properly when I finally get there. ROFL!

The first guy was funny!

'Sheila's been eaten by a shark'


Sorrow said...

so all you Ozzies are nuts.
Came via Bimbimbie
and i thank you for the giggles!

Anonymous said...

Hey Baino. Happy Australia Day. we celebrated it on Friday with a beach party at -15. Brrrrrr!! A few of the instructors were Aussies. Great Fun. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

laughingwolf said...

that works well, baino :O lol