Totally Fucked

I knew today would be crap. It started badly and continued to decline. I feel awful, sunken, my heart is in my throat because I made a massive faux pas and I can't eat. Even attempts to get drunk are useless so here I am, blogging before bedtime. At about 11:00, ElderStatesman rang me, he works from home on Thursdays - he was furious - he wanted a meeting with each of the business principals to discuss my 'thoughts' and hasty actions. A week before my leave, I was stressed, 30% of my position was being taken away from me and I didn't really know why other than I'd said when I had the money, I'd like to wind back a little. So the decision was made to transition a lot of my duties to someone else. I was about to go on leave, having lost control of some pressing issues with the new, and I acknowledge very capable, incumbent of my Practice Manager responsibilities. BossTwo was driving me crazy with micromanagement his vehement objection at not having enough support, obsession with over informative spreadsheets and I was pre-menstrual and in dire need of a short break. A heady combination of bad vibes. I complained heartily about BossTwo's micromanagement to my friend, I bitched about my new incumbent and the ensuing power struggle within the office 'quadrangle' in two emails. Prophetically, I did the unthinkable, I thought the thoughts, then I articulated them then I sent the blessed emails erroneously to the recipients of my wrath. Yep. Major stuff up. The Executive Assistant who had snapped at me that morning received the email intended for ClareBear expressing my exacerbation at losing control and the slowness with which other staff had reacted to a new initiative. And, BossTwo had received my email to my girlf (who works in the same building) lamenting his 'testy' disposition and my frustration at his unwillingness to back off a little. I was the Practice Manager after all . . .just leave it to Beaver and let me do my job.

I had absolutely no idea that these emails had been sent to the recipients of my criticism until that call from the Elder Statesman . . .why the protaganists went to him instead of confronting me, I don't know and why he waited almost 2 weeks to broach the subject is even more of a mystery.

Maybe I'm not the team leader and popular influencer that I thought I was but . . . the phone call was clear "we need to talk about this and our confidence in your ability etc. etc." Absolutely contrite, guilty, embarrassed and completely hammered, I immediately issued a heartfelt apology to both the recipients. I've been getting on really well with BossTwo lately despite a rough early start and didn't want to jeopardise our business relationship any further. They were gracious and replied with warming testimonials, forgiveness was theirs to bestow and they did, both acknowledging that they valued my business acumen, liked working with me and understood that sometimes these things happen. I apologised profusely and they accepted with grace and candour.

TheBoss however, was horrified "Fuck Nell, not again" (like I do this all the time). He had his own agenda and this was the last thing he needed. Now I had someone else to apologise to. The blood rose to his forehead visibly as I spoke with him and he discarded me with disgust. I was gutted.

Now tomorrow, I face the firing squad, literally. I'm afraid I might lose my job over this. Not because the content of the emails was that bad but because I've inaugurated questions about my 'ability' 'confidentiality' 'sensitivity' and might not be the right person for the position. And The ElderStatesman also has a problem with me over a previous contretemps on a personal level. I've spent the afternoon in tears, feeling sick and thinking that if I get fired I'm in more than a pickle and the alternatives are daunting - one thing I am, is well insured. I am low . . . very low . . .I hate being redressed like a schoolgirl but this was a biggy. I'm not the only one with these sentiments, just the only one stupid enough to articulate them and forward them to the parties concerned. 'Fucking idiot' doesn't cut the mustard.

The world will turn, the sun will rise, Iraquis will still blow each other up, Grandpa's will kiss their grandchildren and blogs will continue but I'm feeling like I've comitted some awful crime and tomorrow, at 3.00pm I will have to plead with my life to keep a job upon which I totally depend. That in itself is such a debilitating need. I am soft, stupid, careless . . . and even though those who have forgiven me have done so with candour and honesty . . . the ElderStatesman will not be so gentle, he wants me to squirm and I will. I hate working for other people. I wish I'd had the guts to start my own business when I was younger and in less debt. I feel land-locked and useless and totally guilty (justifiably so) for this stupid error.

I'm really sorry guys. It was indescreet and totally fucked up. But I'm human . . .to err is human, to forgive is devine. God I wish I wasn't an atheist. And I need a hug from someone.