Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Grandad Syndrome
You know how Grandad is always banging on about shooting tourists, hating giving directions and being inordinately cruel to people who wear sunglasses on their head? . . .well I have the Grandad Syndrome. It's an inate desire to keep undesirables out of our neighbourhood only I've managed almost single handedly (huk huk) to convince the world - with a little help from my now passed colleague Steve Irwin, that Australia is a dangerous place. We don't need terrorists, we have enough harbingers of stinginess hidden within. The now departed (but still watchful) Daz commented "What's it like living in a country where everything wants to kill you?". Well it's quite consoling actually because we know how to handle them and the tourists don't. So here are some hot tips if you're brave enough to travel Up Over.
Sharks - If you're swimming in shark infested waters, you're a nit wit. Only tastey surfers, abalone divers and the odd dog actually get attacked. If they come in too close, the alarm sounds and lots of fat people run in a sticky outey leg kind of way to reach the shallows. All the splashing frightens the beasties. If you're unlucky to come too close to one ask it if it's a Bull Shark, a White Pointer or a Wobbygong - you only need to worry about the first two, the last one will suck you to death. Just poke it's eye out. Easy peasy Sharkenteasy.
Snakes: We have the most poisonous snake in the world but you have to go tromping barefoot through the sugar cane fields to be unlucky enough to tread on one. Hang on, where do all the backpackers go to find work in Spring? . . .Ah that's right, natural tourist control. We have a few red bellied blacks around here but they run away metaphorically speaking. Remember all snakes are DEAF so shouting "shoo" at them won't work. Just stamp your foot in a petulant manner and they'll push off.
Spiders: Well there's only the Sydney Funnel web that you have to worry about. Redbacks just make you a bit sickly and a bite from one is a good excuse to take a sickie off work. Huntsmen are big and hairy - not as intimidating as those movie spiders from Mexico but they're pretty speedy so spray quickly with Mortein Spider and Outdoor Insect Spray and thwack em with a rubber thong. (Warning: don't try to dab them with your skimpy knickers, it doesn't work).
Back to the funnel web. They don't like the light and rarely come inside. The fact that they like dark cool places is a great deterrent for teenagers not to leave their clothes, damp towels and linen on their bedroom floors however, my son has never been bitten despite tempting the little buggers on a daily basis.
Fruit Bats: the only Australian mammal that has a nasty disease transmittable to humans via a bite. Fortunately, they are so numerous and smell so bad that the worse thing about them is the sticky figgy poo they drop whilst flying overhead. You can hear them coming so just duck and don't try to feed them fruit. Whateve you do, never, and I mean never, park your car under a Moreton Bay Fig tree in Sydney, it'll end up looking like one of the 101 Dalmations.
Platypus: Yep the cute little duck billed chappy has poisonous barbs on it's hind feet but since you'll only ever see one behind the glass at Australia Zoo . . no need to worry.
Blue Ringed Octopussys: They're tiny, they're pretty but who wants to pick up an Octopus . . think about it.
Stingray's: Only a fully experienced, mad environmentalist would try to pick one up by the tail and look what happened to him silly bugger. But remember, even if they're dead, some of the electric ones will straighten your pubic hair and cripple yer nipples. (Yes I have trodden on one)
Box Jellyfish: Swim with your panty hose on. Yep, you too fellas. The tentacles can't attach. And don't plan a holiday on the far north coast between February and April. It's hot, wet and sticky and as they said in Good Morning Vietnam - fine if you're with a woman but . . .
Bluebottles: You will be stung! If they wash up on the beach. Don't swim they hurt like buggery but won't kill you.
Crocodiles: They are stupid, can't chew, can't run, can only turn their heads 45 degrees so if you get eaten by one you must have been lying in a creek with "Eat Me" plastered all over your chest.
Victorian Mobsters: Just don't do what that Dutch Tourist did and try to rescue a girl who's being dragged by the hair into a car. He got shot for his troubles.