Hyperflop

I've always been a lover of Red Dwarf. Who can forget the black scouse Lister, the lacklustre computer Holly, the 'cat', Duane Dibbley and the holographic Rimmer. It was off the wall, beautifully written and ultimately funny. The props were tacky, the spaceships impossible and the little puffs of space smoke generated with nothing more than a bit of dry ice dripped with moisture. I think that's when I discovered my inner geek, laughed out loud alone and totally enjoyed the ubiquitous Crighton who put all other robotic characters to shame with his knowledge, experience and pathos. Sheer genius worthy of ongoing dress-up conventions.

Well tonight, after going out to dinner with the kiddywinks and enjoying a couple of delicious chardy's with a fillet steak and oysters salandaise (just popped that in to make you slaver) I thought I'd give the new age Red Dwarf a go. A show called Hyperdrive. What a load of rubbish. None of the glib script or funny characters. It's an over- costumed digitised lame attempt to launch Britain as the bright centre of the universe in an impossible cosmos. Now there's a thought. Unfunny, stilted (that's my word of the week) and totally lacking in quality characterisation. None of the quotable quotes that mean absolutely nothing but encourage side-splitting laughter. OK it was a cult obsession and I even wore a Rimmer T shirt in my heyday but who can forget:

" Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't. "

"I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers. "

" (Pointing at Hitler) Ignore him. He's a complete and total nutter! AND he's only got one testicle! "

" Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes, you just gotta say, the laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg!' "

"Oh Smeg! What the smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me! "

"Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. "

Ooops, that last one sounds like it could have been me!