Sexy Signs Seduce Sucker

I’m not a fan of shopping. Whether grocery or any other (with the exception of Bunnings and Spotlight) and particularly not for myself but when a bargain is to be had and my fave black jumper is so threadbare I can see my skin through it (not to mention the hole under the arm), the time was fast approaching where I’d have to fight with school children and stroller mummys and face the drama that is the shopping centre.

I didn’t ‘mean’ to shop, I literally have to walk through one of our nicest department stores across the road from where I work to get to the bank or food court to buy my lunch. Normally this is an event free exercise with me smiling at the security guard at the in and out doors and never stopping to 'smell the roses'.

It all started whilst walking through the cosmetic department and a brief thought that I might be able to replace a nice Estee Lauder transluscent lipstick that I received in my special vanity case for my birthday last year. Sadly it was a limited release and its equivalent was a mighty $44. (Sheeet yeah? That’s a lot for a bit of whale grease and food colouring.) Still, knowing I had a smidgen left from my tax rebate, I thought I’d spoil myself.

Shop Assistant: “If you purchase just $60 worth of Estee Lauder, we can offer you this fabulous presentation pack with a lipstick, some powdery stuff to make you look like Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Mary Jane”, some sticky black goo to give you eyelashes like Janet Jackson and magic crème for those wrinkly eyes PLUS a cleanser and moisturiser that will even out your broken capilliaries and make you look like Natalie Imbruglia in thirty seconds . . .”

*I resisted the temptation to thump the little dolly- I haven't got wrinkly eyes or red capilliaries!*

Me: “Ooooh . . well I could do with a new foundation because the eight, half-used ones I already have aren’t the right colour and make me look pasty so I use my $5.00 tinted Ponds moisturiser instead, maybe I could splash out a little.”

So I gets the girl to choose a nice light, moisturising foundation that will make me look like Liz Hurley at a red carpet event and qualify for the ‘special offer’. Yeay! Only spent $110 and got $65 worth of freebies and a new make-up purse which I didn’t need.

Not content with being sucked in at the cosmetic counter there was a big red sign screaming at me . . .it was quite insistant "Oi YOU, yes YOU, I'm talking to YOU - come over here . . . look what’s on special and it’s not in the ‘women’s’ section” (that of course is a euphemism for clothing for the more womanly figure where I refuse to shop because I just can’t wear purple psychodellic swirls) . . .”

The sign pointed firmly and decidedly at a rather nice brown sweater, fine knit, thigh length with pretty fluted sleeves and showing just enough cleavage to be a little alluring . . .” I squealed a little squeal of delight "Oooh, here I goes again - That’s noice.” Only $44.95 so I went for broke and bought two one in a pretty Donkey Brown and the other in a muted Sage Green. Both will go well with my new lippy. Damn that naughty sign tempting me to the dark side. It was hanging quietly now waiting for the next sucker to glance its way.

The last straw was the relocation of the jeans section to just near my departure point. I was so close to gettting a sandwich, to making a break for it, to smiling at the security guard as usual on my way through when another huge “Take it OFF, Take it All OFF” sign swayed, seductively and beckoned me with an up turned index finger. “C’mon sexy” it said, “you know you want to!"


"Ok, just a quickie" . . . says I mainly because I was absolutely positive there’d be nothing there to fit my womanly form. These departments are usually for the youngsters, mostly sizes that Kate Moss would have trouble getting into. Whell hush my mouth and be still my beating heart! It was meant to be, it was written in the stars . . . a pair of really nice dark blue/black straight leg jeans with my name and $20 written all over them (now that is an unheard of price for jeans here which usually retail around the $150 mark.)

So, yesterday, in the space of 15 minutes, I managed to spend: $222. Thank god I don’t like shopping, imagine the damage I could do in half an hour!